If you stand for nothing, you will fall for anything.

Up..down...up...down

2011-01-30T13:50:00.003-06:00

I cannot believe that it has taken me so long to get my butt back on here.
Actually I was in the middle of a post on NYE, while at work when the sirens went off and a tornado decided to came through the city.
So in an effort to save my life and attempt to live just one more stinkn' day, I went to the basement and forgot about the silly post.
New Years eve came and went, and so did new years day and now 2011 is in full swing. Actually the whole freakn' month of January came and went without much out of me.
Swamped does not begin to touch the amount of work I have got to do.
I just implemented an upgraded version of our payroll, we went web-based. I had two ladies switch jobs, I am installing new financial software and because I am a total crack head. I just went out to bid for NEW auditors. OMG. I think I might puke!
I am working late, feeling like crap and burring it at both ends. On top of it all, Lance is STILL home and we are about to kill each other. I read somewhere that the two biggest issues married couples run into and the two biggest strains on a marriage are finances and kids. Well, I can safely say that is a pretty fair statement. I see him everyday getting sucked in to the his head and he gives the appearance that his lazy boy has consumed him. I on the other hand cannot seem to get home from work until close to 6, 7 or 8pm. We just got word that his unemployment has run out as well. At least when he got unemployment he could cover the daycare expenses on a weekly basis. Yes folks he sends my children to care (both of them) even though he is not working. *It is a fight I don't have it in me to fight.* But NOW, what to do NOW?
We are breaking down at the seams. He has to go find a job. He sniped at me the other night, 'well hell Michelle I guess I'll just go work at McDonalds.' My response was 'good.'
I cannot make him want to be grown up, I cannot make him get out of his funk. I don't have the energy and frankly it is pissing me off!!
This past week really kicked my butt, two really late nights and up at work on time every freakn' day. So Saturday, I did NOTHING. Actually I got 3 books and lay ed in bed all day. This made him mad. He was mad that I did not act more engaged during the day, that I did not entertain the kids ect. Well, here is where i am at. I needed a day to re-group. I needed a day to unwind and take care of me. Well actually I must have needed two days, because I still have yet to get out of my pj's. I have to get up everyday, get dressed, be the boss, fight the fights and when I get home....I don't want to do anything but hug my kids and have a date with my couch. I refuse to feel bad for that.
So he took the kids to the park today to meet my BIL who has his kids for the day ; and he left mad again. Mad at me for not going. Listen this is a no win situation. IF I would have went I would have been miserable and we would have fought. IF I stayed home, which I did, he would still be mad. So either way, he is mad. But this way, I am re-grouping and keeping myself sane. Yes, folks it is okay to be selfish and by all means know your limits.
So today is my day to carry around the funk from yesterday, because I don't plan to shower till in the morning. I plan to eat cereal for lunch, not shave or fix my hair and I cannot freakn' wait. Hell, I may take a bath just for grins.
Im not sure whether or not we are coming or going, but I am sure that I have to stay mindful and healthy to get through it. So adios January, lets see what February has in store.
Apparently we need to brace for snow and ice. Which equals the kids being off SCHOOL. OMG. I would like to think that IF the weather gets bad then I can just bunk up at home; but that is not the case this week. Tuesday I HAVE to pick up paychexs. So regardless of the weather duty calls and my office needs some attention. The conference I had in Columbia may be cancelled, but work, well that will require that I show up. So as we try to mauver through the daily task of work, family and friends. I wish you the best of luck getting around town and keeping up with the ups' n' downs' that maybe hitting you in 2011.

Rylan's life n' some....

2010-12-12T21:56:00.011-06:00

I'd like you to meet Rylan Alexander DePew, born March 30, 2001 way too early in the morning. He was born bi-lateral cleft lip and palate with the possibility of other symptoms and syndromes. At our 6mth ultrasound they asked us if we would like to abort, I lay there in horror that they could even speak such words, as I see him sucking his thumb on the monitor and his heart beating. The nurse lets me know that 60% of people that find out they are not having the perfect baby abort. I begin to cry. Listen I am already a freakn' basket case, afraid and terrified of being a new mom without the idea of having a cleft child looming over my head.

I was not the poster child of health and healthy living, but then again I was not Courtney Luv either. I have never done drugs and lead a pretty active life style - working out, traveling ect. I did not date alot, nor have I had alot of boyfriends actually less than you can count on one hand. So, I was baffled as to why we were having a child that was cleft. My brother and sister already had children, all perfectly healthy. My husband, the youngest of 6 had several nieces and nephews - once again all perfectly healthy. And yet we ended up with the 'genetic mishap' - that was a term used in a doctors office. I genetic counselor I think. Ohh these doctors get to be absurd at times.

I spent majority of my pregnancy puking, crying and being afraid of having a baby - a cleft baby. I got on the Internet and begin to gather information. This literally scared the holy bee-jeeze out of me.

Rylan was born blue, not breathing and failure to thrive. I was high on morphine and my limbs did not work. As you can tell we were off to a good start. They rushed him off to the NICU and placed a feeding tube in him. Within 48 hours I went home with an empty car-seat.

I remember being in the elevator, and a couple looking over to glance in the car seat and I started to cry. Much their disappointment and concern the seat was empty. At that point so was my heart. I walked into our apt at the time and cried. I pumped, because he was missing majority of the roof of his mouth so breastfeeding was out of the question. I would sit like a cow in the milking room, and cry. I had visions of him being awake in the NICU crying and no one holding him. I would call the NICU alot, at all hours of the night, just for some source of comfort. During the day I would hike my way to Childrens and sit for a few hours and hold him and pump. But having just given birth, I could only stay hours at a time rather than all day.

If I would have passed 'me' in the grocery store, before Rylan had any surgeries I would have thought I was a crack head and did terrible things to my body while prego. My views on life and humanity have changed, hopefully for the better with Rylan in my life. I thought I was a good person, I thought I was not judgemental, I thought I would not 'stare and judge'. I was wrong. He continues to teach me everyday.

From the start we decided to celebrate Rylan and embrace this genetic mishap. Easier said then done, I can assure you. It is a task that requires me to put one foot in front of the other each day, and there are days when I fail.

His first surgery was at 8 weeks old. Feeding was a nightmare, he swallowed so much air when eating that his belly hurt. He would cry and cry. I remember once holding him, feeling at my wits end. I layed him down in his crib, picked up the phone and called my mother. I said 'mom, I don't want to hurt him. but I am ready to put him in the closet and walk away.' And with that she came to get me and him for a few days. My advice to anyone with a newborn, have a good support system. Lance was helpful, but he worked and traveled. Know your boundaries and know when you have reached your limit. Children with clefting have feeding issues, gas issues and they take alot of time. All babies take time this I have come to find out, just a bit more with a cleft child. We were unable to sooth him at times. He could not take a pacifiers so there were times when we truly did struggle to comfort him. Warm water bottles, gas drops, bathes etc.

My regret is that I missed the first few months of his life and never really enjoyed any part of my pregnancy due to the fact that I was totally wrapped up in my emotions of being afraid and the 'what if's'.

At 8weeks old he had his first lip surgery. It was approv 2.5 hrs long. He cried as the nurses lead him to surgery and with that I felt helpless. He would have two more similar surgeries in the very near future. 8 weeks, 6 mths and 13 mths. Such an aggressive schedule for such a young soul.

Thought it all he shined, he smiled and he was every version of normal. And truthfully the night before his first surgery I cried. I was going to miss his crooked little smile. I remember being pregnant and wondering IF I was even going to be able to tell if he was smiling. Ohh the things I wasted my time, thoughts and energy on. Like a true mom, I grew to luv him despite any imperfections inside or out.

We have a team of doctors, which I am sure mean well; but I am learning not to hang on every word and take it with a grain of salt. At first I hated our plastic's guy, I mean hated! But the moment Rylan saw him, at 2 days old - he smiled. He stopped crying and smiled. It was like Rylan choose him and I was coherent enough to pay attention. We had the chipps stacked against us, they spoke of dwarfism, him being deaf, learning disability, downs syndrome all factors we would need to prepare ourselves for. Up until 2nd grade I've been waiting for the learning disability to rear its ugly head. And now that we are pushing 10 yrs old, I have given up that stress and embraced the glowing, sassy 10 yr old in front of me. The doctors get in your head, they try to prepare you, I guess. But than in the same token, I just wanted someone to say to me ' it is going to be okay.' It is going to be okay.

We are successful in part because he is such a great kid, but also because we embraced his clefting as we do his green eyes. It is just a part of him, not who he is. We keep his newborn photos up around the house and he will wear it like a badge of honor never to be ashamed.

And at this stage in his life he has found that it can lead to some pretty good lunch table laughter - such as sucking the spaghetti through his nose. The perk to now having much up there I guess.

Snowy day

2010-12-12T14:37:00.003-06:00

Well this weekend has come and went just like the wind that blows strong today.
And here in STL winter has taken a strong hold today.....
Friday night I went out with some friends from college. We met down town had dinner and then moved on to Shiver. One of the guys bought dinner, on his corporate card, we all paid for own drinks. Here is the kicker, I was surrounded by mostly Russians and I found myself attempting to enjoy a glass of red wine with dinner only to have them order rounds of vodka shots.
I'm not a shot girl. Let alone before my dinner even arrives.
Apparently they do vodka shots with everything and anywhere. Then the follow it up with a pickle. I know - a PICKLE.
We went to shiver - a dance club with a room made out of ICE. Very trendy. And the first round of drinks - you guessed it shots of vodka. OMG. Give me some water already.
I've decided that I cannot hang with the Russians.
Saturday the family went to make ginger bread houses at a friends house. It was a lovely affair - until 10 pm rolled around and I am still waiting on Lance to show up so we can take the kidz home and let the dog out of the kennel. Mind you we left the house 12:30 in the afternoon. Then we get home to a dog that has pooped and puked in his kennel. Two kids dead tired, and a dog that needs some attention stat!! Nothing like cleaning dog poop at 11pm.
Sunday was designed to be a lazy day. I had plans to FINALLY get my tree up and attempt to address the house the clean fairy has neglected. Then I look outside and what do I see - SNOW. Not that I had planned to go outside today, and now that there is snow outside that has sealed the deal. I am going to turn up my heat to 86 degrees and act like I live in FL.
As the kids get super excited, I start trying to find their snow suites, gloves and hats.
I guess today it really is time to put away my summer clothes. Awww rats!
So since it is slick as snot outside I've decided to take a few photos, and even publish a blog post.
Have a great sunday!!

Out of the blue.....

2010-12-03T14:40:00.005-06:00

I got nothing really.
A head full of nonsense, and random thoughts that keep me up at night.

Thanksgiving was a bit of blurr. I did not get to see my sister or brother that day, but in a gift from god, got to see both of them the day before. It was a totally shitty day, rain, cold and flat out gross. I was running late, because I had to run the kids to BFE and I was not at my desk for more than 15 minutes when I get a call from my sister.
And much like late night calls that put you on high alert an early morning call from any family member other than my mother can only be bad news. Well, low and behold - not bad news.
She was on her way to the airport and wanted to know if I wanted to tag along.
She got a call that my brother was flying in and he needed someone to pick him up.
Things are a bit tense for all of us right now - not worth throwing out there all the gory details, because within in time it will all blow over. But tense none the less and I can assure that with my brother flying in to see his family, his two sisters are not the top people on his list to see the moment he gets off a flight.

However I am giddy to the bone.......I look around my desk and the pile of work and throw caution to the wind. I state 'sure come by n' get me, I'm in.'
I hang up and start work damage control, I just got in - I am leaving in 10 or so minutes, and I must be back within an hour or so. I have a big lunch meeting that I have to make. I am starting to question whether or not I can really pull this off, then determine that I cannot afford not to. Not if I want to see my brother n' sister.

So she shows up and away we go.......to the airport, giggling the whole way. We pull up to the arrivals and find our bro and you can see the surprise on his face to see me in the car too. We dance around a few topics and decide to move on to things that keep us in a good spot, like kids and when we were kids. On the way to take me back to work, we decide to eat, therefore spending another hour or so together.

It was a time for us to just be us. Matt calling Misty 'shorty' like he normally does and the three of us glad for a moment to be in each others presence. For me it was very peaceful and easy. We shared a few moments of smiles and laughter, I took them to my work did a few introductions and then we said our goodbyes.

It reinforced for me that a sibling bond can never be broken. We may all have separate lives, different personalities, and different opinions on most topics - but our bond is deep. When you remove all the other elements out of our lives, our parents, our spouses, our children and peel us down to just us - we are kids again enjoying the bond we created years ago. We can see each others worry, struggles, joy and pain without saying a word. And then realize that in some cases words are not necessary. That it will ultimately be okay. We accept each others failures, choices and even if we don't like them, we are learning to respect them. Even if we have to do that from afar or with distance.

Much like that day, I think each of us know that if we ever needed each other we are just a phone call away. No questions asked. It can be pure and simple, just love and a sibling bond. I am beyond grateful for that day and those moments, I needed that small silver lining to get me through.
My day was designed to be shitty, started out crappy and by the grace of god ; ended better than I could have ever imagined. So even though we did not spend Thanksgiving together and may or may not see each other over Christmas; we have an understanding.

So I wish that on that day that seems like it is gonna suck the most, that you find your silver lining. That god delivers to you the pretty package with the bow, when you least expect it. And on those days when the silver lining does not appear you have a memory like mine to hold on too, the kind that makes you smile.

Thanksgiving this year...

2010-11-20T11:13:00.002-06:00

Has anyone else noticed that 2010 has been a bit of cluster, I mean a total cluster.
The economy has fallen to hell, every person I know seems to have lost their ever lovn'g mind and it just seems like things are off kilter. I mean like the moon, stars and oceans are totally off. Every week something comes up that makes me question what is really going on....is there some crazy kool-aid out there that everyone is drinking and keeping from me?
And it seems in true form for 2010 the holidays will be no different.
As usual, I am NOT looking forward to the holidays. I have a hard enough time keeping up with my daily and weekly stuff without throwing a bunch of hallmark crap in the middle of it. I don't cook so Thanksgiving does not tickle my fancy. The only highlight is getting to see my family and this year, that dream is fading fast.
Plus we have to scramble around like idiots for FOOTBALL. I am still in football hell and Lance decided we needed to play on another team which has a tournament on Thanksgiving weekend. See me blowing my face off.....I would rather have an actual holiday than have to run around like a freak over Thanksgiving.
As it stands now I have to work on Wed, drive to the country on Thursday to have Thanksgiving w/ Lance's dad and either drive back Thursday night or early Friday morning to make our first game on Friday. Honestly folks, why bother? My sister may or may not be down to my mothers, my brother may or may not be around (prob not), so my family will prob not be getting together for Thanksgiving. Lance and I are still a bit tense so the thought of not being able to see may family at all leaves me totally sad.
My mother called me the other day and said that she may go to the church to sever food, and actually out of all of my current options for the holidays that one sounds like the most attractive one. My spirit could use a boost and if I cannot have my version of a hallmark holiday then this seems like the next best option.
My small glimmer of hope for this particular holiday is that my dear friend Jacob, might come in for Thanksgiving. Seeing him would be good for my head and soul. Jacob will go with the flow and if we end up serving food rather than cooking it, he will not care.
I am sure at this point that christmas will be a bit of a debacle as well. And much like Thanksgiving I hate the work it requires to make all of the necessary rounds.
So as I bah-hum-bug through the holidays, I am so ready for 2011.
"Eat your turkey and shut your pie hole :)"

follow the bouncing ball....

2010-10-25T17:53:00.004-05:00

Well look at me, two post in one month - I am feeling like a rockstarr!

(well not so much).

I use to post 3 to 4 times a month - or even more. I have had alot of things on my mind, and have found that history shows that perhaps there are times when I should just not put it all out here. Even IF i really want too. So color me all grown up - or just taking my first class in maturity.

In the mean time, we are STILL playing football which most of my family LUVS and I continue to curse. Ohhh curse you football - every freakn' Tuesday / Thursday night for two hours and then every darn Sunday for at least two hours. But god luv you my son, my son the athlete. Seriously, that damn kid has some skill, well as much as a 9yr old can have. There other moms will go' hey Michelle - THAT WAS YOUR KID' I find myself tearing up with joy. Then cursing the kid that tackles him. It is a group affair at football, because to be honest when they are all out there it is hard to tell them apart. And only when on breaks away or does something cool does it REALLY catch my attention. This year I have learned a few more terms, a few more moves and Pyper has decided that she MUST cheer next year. And I have decided that they really need to sell adult beverages at all games and practices :)

So all is well on the football front, as much as I hate, I luv how much confidence it gives my son, how it challenges him. You can see him figuring out the play and see him going to get it - full speed ahead. Just like in life, he is going to 'get it' and be okay.

Speaking of my son, which I have neglected to so very often. He is a HAIR bag, I mean totally growing out his hair. This damn Justin Bieber, I curse you and your new hair trend. Get a darn hair cut. My son's hair is so long it sticks out below his football helmet. I thought the mo-hawk was bad!! But NOOO - nothing compares to this darn long hair. ick! Which by the way my LUV's.

And just one more tid-bit about this little 9 yr old kid that has part of my heart. You know the part that he stops on in his 9 yr old sassy way. He made straight A's!! Yes folks, straight A's in the 4th grade. I expected A's, B's, and maybe a C. But here he goes surprising me again with straight A's. So I must curse football and long hair under my bad breath - because at this point he is calling the shots. So give me a moment as I burst with pride.

I cannot go on and on gloating about one child with out pointing out a few good items about the other. Give me a few while a make up a few good points about Pyper -ha!! Just jokes.

This kid, well, she started a new baby sitter which has preschool circulium. She is rocking thru it all with flying colors as well, and even coming home saying how much she likes the new place. (whew!!). She too is growing in leaps in bounds. But I will be glad once she is no longer butt high, because at this point I know my butt is big. I don't need her to point it out every time she is behind it.

Lance n' I are still a bit shaky. Not sure where to start or where to go. We both agreed we must work on our communication or this is going to fall apart at the seams. And today he admitted how much not working is totally messing with his mind. It is consuming him and totally bringing him down. So out of the blue he has decided to go back to school to be an EMT/Paramedic.

No, no that is not a typo and I am sure you are just as stumped as I am.

Seriously kids, within the last four weeks we have gone from culinary school to EMT school. Totally random and totally out of the blue. Hell, I don't even think he likes people - let alone want to save them; but what the hell do I know at this point? Put a few careers n' a hat and pull one out for all I care. So I 'think' he is signing up. Rule number one, if you have to practice sticking people with needles - I AM NOT your person. This still is so darn random to me, but if it gets him a job and gets him motivated then I am all for it!!

So folks following the bouncing ball........it is all over the place these days!

October

2010-10-13T10:11:00.002-05:00

I cannot believe that we are in OCTOBER really folks where has the year gone?
I missed blogging about my son's first day of school, Pypers first day at her new baby sitter, my work, my family etc.
I feel like I have neglected you...and perhaps I have. There just don't seem to be enough hours in the day; and frankly when I get some down time this seems like the last place I want to spend my time. But then again I find myself wishing I would have written a few things here n' there.
So here I am the second week of October, semi touching base :)
I have photos galore at home, which I need to get on this site.
Everyone is doing well, gearing up for fall and Halloween. We luv Halloween at my house. Pyper wakes up everyday asking why we have not had the party. For real girlfriend, it is not time. It seems like creativity is lacking in the depew household for Halloween - Rylan once again wants to be a football player and Pyper wants to wear the dress she wore last year. So ta-da we are done with the customs.
Rylans class is going to have a party, Pypers new school is going let them dress up and have a party and as mentioned above Pyper thinks the party is everyday.
Halloween is going to be a good time this year in the DePew household.
All in all things are well. Me n' my sista are keeping in touch on a pretty regular basis, my mother is busy as a bee and Courtney my niece is growing in leaps n' bounds. And in true form she flunked her drivers permit test twice -blahh! I think Misty flunked hers too.
The holidays are fast approaching and I am not sure how we will survive them again this year, but I guess we will do what we have always done - just wing it.
Lance is still not working for the most part, he rolled the list last month which sucks. This means he forgot to call in, check in or whatever it is he is suppose to do - and now he is back at the bottom of the hiring list. OMG! Seriously dude, you are killing me. Then we got notice that he has not worked enough hours and they dropped his insurance. Hello double whammy. Luckily I carry insurance through my work or we would be screwed!! I keep dropping hints that perhaps it is time to hang up the whole union gig and find a real job. At this time he ignores me; but for real folks we cannot do this much longer - lets get a clue! So at this point the union really is doing nothing for us, and I am sure that we are not alone is this boat.
My job is keeping me busy as usual, and honestly I don't mind it because there are times when it is hard to just go home.
I spoke to Lance about going back to school, enrolling in culinary school - ANYTHING. He called about culinary school and said that they only start out at $25,000 and he would rather ride the books. Okay kids, lets do some elementary math - if you are making NOTHING vs. $25,000 seems pretty easy to me. Then he started to make excuses about the hours he would have to keep etc, etc. Okay fine, so that is off the table- but what now???
Well time will tell.....the future has to hold something brighter than the dim light that is shining right now. But all in all we are happy n' healthy.
Oh yeah, last night we got invited to play in the turkey tournment so we will be playing football into Thanksgiving - oh joy (NOT!). So our holiday will be consumed with football. We will see, hang on for the ride :)

All Good n' the Hood...

2010-09-27T14:22:00.004-05:00

Hello peeps,
It is has as usual, been a while.
I am not sure what has gotten into me and why I don't just take the time to put a few things out here.
It looks like last time I wrote Lance was still out of town.
Well since it has been almost a month since my last post, he has made it back safe n' sound.
And n' true relationship form, we were fighting with in 24 hrs of his return.
-Since his return we have been to the ER twice with my son. Who was as it turns out constipated. Which left me with a big WTF? How can a 9 yr old be constipated? Well, apparently my 9 yr old was and it required two visits to ER to get some relief.
- Next we decided over Labor Day to take a trip to Branson with the kids. We were totally winging this trip, so we left Saturday with no agenda and no idea what to do or how to do it. But we got there and we made the best of it. We went to Dixie Stampede and Silver Dollar City. So our Branson trip was like a mini-vacation. Which we all needed. But in true relationship form by the time we made it half way home, Lance n' I were not talking. To the point that I got in the back seat and let Rylan sit up front.
-The past weekend we went to visit his father in the country and attend the battle of pilot knob then scoot our butts back to the City on Sunday for muddy day of football.
- Pyper has started with a new care-giver 'Mrs. Debbie' and whenever Misty ask's her how that is all going Pyper responds with 'Mrs. Debbies sucks.' OMG. Mrs. Debbies does NOT suck, but it has been an adjustment for my 4 yr old princess.
- Rylan has been slacking on his school work and we have had to give him the smack down the past two weeks. Dear heavens they tend to give kids alot of homework these days. I am not sure how many families get it all down.
- I am as mental and crazy as ever. Working the 2011 budget for work, dealing with personalities at work and just trying to keep my head above the water is a challenge.
- Lance for the most part is fine. He has been working on and off since he got home. But nothing major has hit for him. Which at times plays a total mind job on him and our ability to relate to each other.
- Sept 23 we celebrated our 10 yr anniversary. One would think that 10yrs should warrant some BIG celebration or even dinner. Well, we went to work n' football. Yeap folks that is what our life has boiled down too. At this stage when we are just trying to survive the daily nonsense we decided it was best to keep it all to a minimum. Hopefully once things get better for us we will do something to celebrate it. But then again who knows.
-My family seems really distant and divided which is totally weird for us. We have NEVER gone with such long stretches in not seeing each other and not keeping up with one another.
- That is all that I have for now........I have a ton of photos to share, but cannot get them off my damn camera!! I am trying everything from downloading a new driver etc. So hopefully next time I will have photos to share.
Otherwise we are, as you can tell, all good in the hood :)

Moving n shaking..

2010-08-17T09:17:00.003-05:00

Well, Lance has been gone for for approx. 4 plus weeks.
The first two weeks I was luving the single parent gig, well definitely enjoying my time alone in the house without the stress. Then reality kicked in and the taxi service, the maid, mom mode, working mode and everything in between. To say that I am worn out would be an understatement. We have football every Tues/Wed/ Thurs from 6-8pm, which requires that I leave work at 4 to get my kids from my sisters, go home let the dog out, get the gear, grab the cooler, grab some snacks, change my clothes and GO. Mind you just because it is over at 8pm does not mean that we get home anywhere close to 8. It is normally closer to 9pm. At which time both kids must take a shower and after the shower they want to eat. So I am making anything from ham n' eggs to tacos at 9ish at night. Then comes the bedtime adventure with Pyper. I am still working on putting her in her own big girl room. Making her go to sleep on her own. This my friends has been a process. She gets out of bed like a million times. Or I go into her room a million times to cover her up, bring her a drink or just because she called me. Normally by 10 pm everyone is asleep and by then I am half asleep on the couch. Only to be woken up by the dog at 2am. Like clock work, 2am folks!! OMG. He is licking my elbow so I can let him out. This might be easier to take in stride if I wasn't already leaving my house 30 to 45 min early to get my kidz to my sisters. Since I have lost my sitter, my sister has been keeping my kidz. Which requires that i get them up early and attempt to drag my arse out of bed early as well. By week 4 the series of events are wearing on me.
So, in a change of events I am SO ready for Lance to come home. *gasp* I know i said it out loud. Plez, plez come home.......plez help!!
So last night I left work early to get the kidz so we could make open house between 3-6pm. On the way home from my sisters Pyper fell asleep and normally I would just let her nap a bit then put her in the shower. But since as usual we had somewhere to be I had to wake her up. We grab the supplies, the check book and head off to school. It is the twelfth hour and I STILL don't know what I am going to do with Rylan and the school bus situation. So while at the school i picked up some info regarding before and after school care. *cringe, cringe* It is that or let him get on and off the bus by himself, which does not sit well with me. So starting tomorrow I have a new wrench in my routine. Before care for Rylan.....
We have not done alot this summer, yet if feels like i have been run over by a truck ;)
So as I beg n plead for Lance to wrap up the job, it feels like a double edge sword. Please come home but find some work. Not sure I can have it both ways. I am sure in a week or two I will begging him to go back on the road. There really is no pleasing me, I know this.
However in his absence I think we have both gotten back to a point of loosing our anger towards each other and found a space of wanting to work on 'us' a bit more. That my folks is a silver lining in this debacle of a summer.
Last week my FIL had a stroke n' heart attack. I was the only one around. I was Lance's life line to his father. So me n the kids spent hours at the hospital keeping grandpa company and waiting for him to get out of surgery. Once lance's sister arrived I let her take control and once again got back on track. Ever tried to take two kids to a hospital, let alone have them around when an elderly person gets out of surgery? Well, we were there for 6 hours and I would have to say it was not ideal but my kidz did a great job. I packed color books, and a puzzle. We spent two hours putting together a puzzle. And I am happy to report that grandpa is doing well, all things considered.
So last night was open house, tonight is football practice, tomorrow morning is the first day of school the football tomorrow night and so on.....
Somewhere in all that I am shopping for food, making dinner, dishes, laundry and trying to luv them without shouting. I only get one shot at this mom gig, so I am taking it in stride but I have come to realize that another set of hands is helpful. And yes, there are times when i truly miss the support. So to all you single mothers out there - whether you are single, your spouse is away or you are just doing alone. I commend you!
So Lance, once you return, just know that I will be happy you are back. It maybe short lived, our lives only continue to get busier.....onward and upward.

Cake....

2010-07-27T08:56:00.002-05:00

Whirl-wind...
Here i am just about two weeks into this single parent gig and well, not so bad.
Each Sunday the kids n' I figure out what we want to eat for the week and we make it all up on Sunday. This past Sunday we made the following:
taco meat
sloppy joe
grilled chicken
ham for sandwiches
Friday we are going order out!!
So as we get in the groove of things, we seem to be finding our stride. Feed the dog and fish morning n' night. Take the dog for a walk everyday but Tues / Thursday - these are football days. Laundry IF i feel like it :)
And travel on the weekends to the country. Now this one has me a little discombobulated.
Last weekend we had to go to the country because Lance's dad turned 81 on Saturday. So in true, best DIL fashion I packed up the kids and we headed down to the country.
We stopped by Dairy Queen to get a cake for grandpa. So two kids, a dog, luggage and now a cake. We get to Dairy Queen and of course my queen bee - Pyper has to pee. So I take her inside and leave Rylan out side with the dog on the leash, so the dog can pee. Which of course he does not pee, he just romps around like an idiot.
Pyper attempts to pick out a pink cake, maybe a purple cake. I have to keep reminding her little 4 yr old brain that it is not HER birthday and that we need one for grandpa.
So we settle on a generic cake the has happy birthday on it. Pyper insist on carrying the cake. I get the cake out of the case, hand it to her and go to the register.
Well, she just keeps on walking to the door. I remind her that 'we have PAY for it.'
'Oh' she states. She trots back to the register and promptly butts in front of the elderly couple standing in front of me.
I let her know it is not our turn.
She glares at them with rings of fire shooting from her eyes. As if to say ' cannot you see we have a birthday cake!!'
So we ring out and begin to walk to the car.
Pyper is super excited to see the dog n' her brother across the parking lot.
So she starts to run, with the cake. She trips slightly and in an effort to gather herself she sends the cake flying across the parking lot. YEAP.
Well, since this not a normal cake - it is a frozen cake, it all stays in tact.
Mind you it ended up rolling on the black top and landed on the top of the cake. So the pretty sides are smooched and there is a bit a gravel in the cake.
Well in true mother of the year form, I scoop it up, dust it off and place it back in the battered container. Yes folks, I did I picked it right up off the parking lot.
Pyper was apologetic, I told her no need. I giggled about it, figuring it was just our luck!
Around 4pm we called Grandpa, asked about taking him to dinner - he eats early. He told us he was not going to eat dinner. Me 'what? you have to eat.'
Grandpa 'well I do eat. I ate lunch around 2pm, so I am not hungry.'
Me 'well grandpa we have cake for you n' your birthday.'
Grandpa ' I don't eat sweets.'
*this one makes me laugh out loud - he luvs sweets.*
So I go along with it all.
Me 'fine, we will be there shortly with a cake, and the kidz will sing happy birthday and have a slice.'
Grandpa 'see you soon.'
I giggled all the way to grandpa's. Here is this old man who does not even want a cake, although he will eat it. And little does he know that we dropped the darn thing on the parking lot..hehe.
This cake made my day :)

Glimmer..

2010-07-22T10:24:00.002-05:00

Somewhere between today and last week i found a few things:
my smile, my laughter, my spirit.
All wrapped up in one happy bundle stashed in a dark corner in the basement of my house. Okay, maybe not that dramatic.....
Last week Lance got a call for work out of town, and I swear that he tried everything possible not to go; which really struck a cord with me. I was ready to give him a flying elbow. For real. Listen folks, it was work, it was out of town - which is not ideal; but is better then the current alternative. And he had said he was not going to take the job and quote 'because of football and practice.' I almost feel over. It is pee-wee football folks, hell I wouldn't care if it was college or the NFL - it is not paying the bills or making ends meet.
But he was dead serious; and i was too. Get your butt on the road and get to work. Go get your man card back and turn in your Martha Stewart status.
Oh yeah and the job was helping to build a Wal-mart, which totally burned his arse as well. That part made me giggle a bit. We are SO anti-walmart at our home.
Well listen folks, when times are tough - and they are at my home Walmart helps us to get where we need to go. So as much as he hated it he did go.
He found out about the job on a Tuesday and by Wed morning at 1:30 am he was on the road.
Let me just tell you what a relief it was....
I am actually surprised at how much tension and anger has been wrapped up in me and my household regarding him not working. Sure flying solo with kids is a bit of a transition. Lets face it I now i really have to get up early, get the kids ready and have a plan of action - rather than flying by the seat of my pants. But guess what I've done this before and it is not that bad.
So, in the last week I have -
Sent my husband to work, out of state
Found a new sitter for my kids come August / Sept.
And got the best back adjustment yesterday I feel like a million bucks.
My house has new 'relaxed' atmosphere about it. I did not realize how much stress was surrounding us; or me for that matter. Lance is not totally happy and our phone conversations are short and at times strained. He hates being gone.
But, just between you and I - I luv being in the house by myself for a bit. I am getting Pyper transitioned into her own bed. I am staying up late watching trash tv, eating and exercising if the notion strikes me. I am waking up early to watch videos and drink coffee -ha!
Aside from the dog eating a few items, he too has been a champ. Because now that Lance is gone too work he has to be kenneled during the day.
All of the stress is not gone, but I am feeling better. And today I feel fan-damn-tastic. Which just helps me to gauge how removed I really was for a while. How we really were just going thru the motions and holding our breath. How thick the tension was in our house hold and how it really was effecting all of us. Lance sounds better since he has gotten back to work; like his man card has been placed in his back pocket. Mind you it is a bit tainted with being at walmart - but welcome to growing up and eating the situation when you have too.
My sister has moved out and has been working on getting settled with the kids. Even though hers is a little more solid, she too is flying solo. And as scary as it is for her, she seems to be doing well. So as continue to encounter our little bumps in the road the glimmer of hope is shining brighter these days.

looking for grace....

2010-07-12T08:53:00.003-05:00

Ever tried to walk thru life gracefully?
With your head held high and just putting one foot in front of the other - without your feet turned outward like a penguin?
Well, for the most part I do, shoulders square, head high and heel-toe, heel-toe.

I have started reading an biography on Robin Givens, which is strange i never really gave her any though and well the book was free. Which as usual seems to be some of the best kept secrets. The book talks alot about things I will never understand, being black, father issues, and abuse. However there are a few things that seem to translate - her strong family ties, her belief in god and finding grace. And just because she believed in god does not equate to her feeling like god really believed in her or loved her unconditionally.

As things came at me from all sides and I feel like I am swimming in turmoil and transition I am looking for my grace. Trying to maintain it through the laughter and tears.
At this point I am so angry with Lance, it is hard for me to see any other color other than anger. I am sad beyond belief that my sitter is moving on, not angry, but sad. I am praying and trying to figure things out for my kids. Making a few phone calls and going on a wing n' a prayer.
I am trying to be supportive of my sister as she walks through the emotions of a divorce and the unsettled emotions that come with moving on with your life and wondering IF you are making the right decision. Yesterday while hanging out with her I had these words, 'every decision you make is Right for you at the moment. And even if they are wrong, which some of them maybe, they will make your stronger.' They may not be the decisions i would make, they may not be the way I would do it - but then again, I don't have any idea how I would really go about it all. So they best I can do for her, is just be a sister and luv her with no boundaries. In hopes that if I ever need the same she will be there.....

On Friday we got a letter in the mail that my son's surgeon is leaving town. This seemed to be the straw that broke me, for just a moment. I picked up the phone, called my mother and cried. The letter took my breath away. God, please no......
In my head I am yelling please make it stop.
I am not sure how to explain our connection to this surgeon, other than he was god sent.

My son was born missing his hard/soft palate. Our doctor has performed every major surgery on my son. Mind you when I first met this guy, I personally HATED him. He was a jerk, not comforting and I was not going to subject my son to him. However.....once Rylan was born, just one day old. The surgeon came to see us at the hospital for an evaluation and Rylan was fussy and at times inconsolable. The doctor walked in room and Rylan smiled, his soft crooked smile. The doctor picked him up, in a very doctor detached way and started to measure, poke and prode him. Treated him like a butcher would treat a piece of meat, not like someone who luv'd a child. The doctor was going to keep it very disconnected. However, Rylan was not. Rylan layed there one day old and just smiled. Making his choice and his connection right then. And much to my disapproval, I knew I had to choose this doctor. He was not the best, he was the understudy, he was not my choice - but I knew I had to. And then 9 yrs ago we began our journey with this man. A journey of lip repair, after lip repair and last summer a bone graph. I have grown to have a luv and respect for this man, the doctor my son choose. My son maybe 9 but his treatment will continue for a lifetime. This man needs to be his doctor, for a lifetime.
So the letter on Friday broke my heart into a million pieces.
Right then an there I no longer wanted to hold my head high or put one foot in front of the other. I wanted to lay on the floor and cry. Feeling a bit deflated, a bit beat up by the curve balls of life.
Today I start putting one foot in front of the other, trying to pick up the pieces of the puzzle that no longer seem to fit. I have left a message for a new babysitter, I have left a message for Rylan's medical records, and I have said a few prayers.

I am not sure what god has in store for me, and right now I am not totally happy about the series of events. Trusting that it will all be alright is not a strong point for me. I like to be the driver of the bus, the captain of the ship and I like when the pieces of the puzzle all fall in place. God is asking me, or better yet forcing me to trust him and I fear that at times I am failing. When he does not give us what we want, that does not mean that he does not have a better plan. That is what i would tell someone else.......being graceful requires having the grace of god even when you have doubt.

twisty n' some..

2010-07-05T11:11:00.002-05:00

I have been absent lately. I have been out of sorts, stressed and in a freaky funk.
As I begin to write this I am not sure what to share and what to keep wrapped up in the funk.
A few highlights since we last got together......oh my, we got together in May, last.
Sorry.
In the mean time I turned 35 in June; which was for the most part pretty uneventful. I am not totally rocked by my 30's; just yet. I seem pretty comfortable in my own skin and don't mind the character builders that seem to be showing up daily. Actually I am pretty okay with it all. And now that I think about it, at this stage in my life, there really isn't anything that I 'wish' I would have done by now. I have all in all pretty much accomplished most of my goals, which means that in the near future i need to set new ones. Having a goal or two seems to keep me in gear and part on track. Without them I find myself a bit Topsy-turfy.
um.what else has happened that maybe funny or interesting??
um....can you hear that grinding n' turning that is the rusty gears in my brain.
The kids are well, Rylan decided not to finish summer school, since his father has been laid off work. So now i have two rather lazy dudes in my house, which for the most part is about to drive me bonkers. If they don't get my deck fixed and a few bedrooms painted, they are going to get one flying elbow - WWE style. ha!
Pyper is getting really big n' sassy. At the end of July I she will be in transition, our baby sitter will no longer be watching kids. Which takes my breath away....I really need to put some energy in to figuring out what I am going to do with Pyper n' Rylan. During school, Rylan will get on and off the bus at her house, this folks is a totally big deal in my world; one that I am not ready to tackle just yet; but I am running out of time. This one breaks my heart, and leaves me struggling with where to turn next.
Lance is still not working, his unemployment is running out - this is his last week and STILL he insist on waiting on the list at the union hall. This unemployment gig has begun to take a toll on ''us''. To say that I am frustrated would be putting lightly. I am sure he is as well, but we are taking to different methods in trying to handles this unemployment issue and we are not meeting in the middle very well. We are part of the American economy that has been hit hard by the recession, the construction industry, the car industry ect.
I thank god I have a job that pays our bills, we won't be losing our car or home anytime soon; but our lifestyle has had to change. And the emotional toll being unemployed for a long period time takes on a person is unbelievable. This has left us in an abyss of emotions, not all good, and some a bit blurry. So I will remain a bit twisty n' some for a bit until a few items get settled - babysitter, unemployment etc...

Mutha, mutha, mutha......

2010-05-17T16:09:00.002-05:00

Well this past weekend my father had the bright idea to throw my mother a surprise birthday party.
1) rule number one, my mother does not like anything she cannot control
I repeat! My mother does not like anything she cannot CONTROL.
This rule is nothing new, and should never be broken. She has a tendency to be emotional, crazy and bewildered at times. This time was no different. And by the way no one is saved from the wrath, just an fyi.
All last week a flock of women in my mothers life spent the better part of the week wondering who was on first? Who organized this shin-dig? Who was going to make sure it all came together? Because honestly, my mother does all of that - duh.
And with each phone call, we put a few bits n' pieces together but in our heads we were collectively thinking 'holy hell this is gonna suck big eggs.'
My fathers instructions were brief and in his mind clear. However in the mind of a women - no enough detail. Actually now that i think of it, I never actually had a conversation with my father about the part, not one. My responsibilities were all hearsay from my sister.
Heres what we did know:
1) a band has been booked
2) it will be in the new barn
3) people will park in the field
4) flyer's went out to family members, and all others were told via word of mouth (see us getting sketchy).
5) my dad wanted finger foods
6) ohh, and most importantly he got a keg of beer
7) he also rented a porta-potty (good job!).

So as usual me n' the sista wait until the last minute to get the food from Costco. A few paper products, a few bags of wings a few bags of chicken fingers,a few bags of chips and we have a party. My grandmother ordered a few subs, while in town I picked up brats and buns and voila' the food is done. Oh yeah and one carrot cake. Voila'!
Well last week was a rainy mess. I looked at my dad at 9am on Saturday, half ass pleading with him to cancel the damn thing. 'Dad it is still raining, where is everyone going to park, the field will be too wet.' He looks at me in total dad manner ' beenie we are too far to back out now.'
So that was the no turning back point. So then back up at the house my mother was in self pity mode, she really wanted to go away for her birthday, she really wanted to do something, she REALLY my father to listen to her. She was pretty angry, then she she got sad and I could feel the walls falling down around me - in my mind i was thinking 'for gosh sakes someone just tell her!!'. My father was dead set on not telling her, regardless on how much attitude she was going to give that day. And boy can she dish the attitude. So by 3pm after she ate half my arse, and chewed on my father a bit more; I packed up the kids and left.

On the way out of town, I passed my sister in her car, she flashed me to pull over. I let her know the events of the day, she was stern in telling me to turn my car around and head back to my mothers. Like some kicking screaming little school girl I tried to say NO. Well that didn't work, so I turned around and headed back to hellville. Once we got inside my mother was a blubbering mess, dear god the tears. My father told her there would be a party and now she wanted to know who planned this event for her. Because she does NOT want one. OMG. My head was already spinning from the drama all day and now the tears. This birthday party has turned into one big pain in the ass. Once she finds out that me nor Misty really had anything to do with it she walked the long way around the mountain of nonsense and decided she was not mad at us and that she should not be mad at my father either.

So now we are beginning to come full circle with the emotions, mad, sad and now apologetic. My father told her to start to get ready, have her hair done figure out what clothes she wants to wear the party will start in a few hours.

So my mother ran to town with the kids in an effort to regroup.

While she was gone we were hoping the band would arrive, this was the REALLY big surprise.
Aside from my brother also coming into town. During her anger stage she stated how much she just wanted her kids together, so at that stage I told her Matthew was in town, and then she started crying again. (dear god...please make it stop). So now all 3 of her kids were home and her grandkids were in town she suddenly felt somewhat whole again.

So the band was suppose to be at the house at 4pm, they did not arrive until 6pm. That about had my dad stroke out. But once the arrived you could see the relief come across his face. At this rate who cares who shows up, the band and birthday girl are in the house!
As the night drew on the rain stopped, the smoker was started, brats were cooked and the people began to show up. It was really going to be a party.
My mother made her way down around 8pm and the shift happened. We were now HAPPY.

The party was a HUGE success, don't ask me how.

How does my father get a successful party without invitations and RSVP's? How does my father get a successful party with no real organization? In true dad form, it just happens, it all came together.

My mother had her sister(s), her mother, her children, her neighbors and her friends all around her to celebrate her turning 55 yrs old. And to top it all off she had the music of her favorite band, who totally rocked the doors off the barn. No amount of planning could have made the night any better, you could not bottle up this success or draw a map for it. It just happened.
Another night of my family coming out to celebrate my mother and being family. Mind you, in true mutha form it took a lot of drama to get there, and my father in all his wisdom was pretty prepared for it - he knew she would have every emotion that escaped her pretty little head. He was pretty prepared to wade thru the nonsense and remain steadfast. He really does know her, and he should after close to 40 years!!

So ode to my mutha, god luv you. We have all been blessed by your ability to luv without boundaries - but with alot of emotion. There are times when you are wise beyond your years and then lost by the obvious. that is a few of the small reasons why we all luv you so. I hope Saturday, May 15,2010 you could feel the luv and respect from your family and friends. It will take a whole-hell-of a lot to top that one! Because we do know how to throw a darn good barn party. Photos to come soon!!

Mothers Day

2010-05-09T08:41:00.002-05:00

I have been absent lately, and several reasons have contributed to it...one just too much muck in my head. Second, still swamped at work, which has me totally run down, which ultimately got me SICK. Last week i was dragging ass, a total walking zombie. It took all I had to get up everyday and dragg my butt to work. I felt like crap and looked like crap. I thought I was treating an over the counter cold, well the cold turned into an infection which suddenly began to whip my ass. By Friday I drug my butt into the local doc-n-the-box only to find out that I had an ear infection, sore throat and sinus infection - no wonder I felt like HELL.
They gave me some souped up antibiotics and sent me on my way. Well aside from some darn good medicine I need some really good rest. I need to sleep and sleep some more.
I had to work again Sat morning, so not rest that morning.
After the meeting Saturday I drove to the country to see my mother and my kids - which came down to the country on Friday night. Once I arrived the house was empty, so I found the closest bed, crawled under the covers and began to take a nap..awww the much needed nap. Well this nap was the mac-daddy kind. This nap lasted from 1pm to 5 pm - holy hell batman. I missed the entire day, because I was under some covers with the intention of just closing my eyes for a bit. And I still slept all night -dude I totally needed some rest.
That is one thing about coming home for me, it still feels like I home. I rest like a darn rockstarr at my mom's house. And in true mom fashion she took care of me......she let me just sleep n' sleep some more. Then once I got up she fed me and all the other little hungry faces..ha!
Even in my almost 35 years of life, my mother still 'mothers' me - and at time it drives me totally bonkers, and there are times like then - when I didn't realize how run down I was that it is totally comforting. Mostly drives me bonkers!! But for those small brief moments, I relish the comfort aspect. No one hoovers and comforts like a mom. I see it in my kids eyes when they need a hug or snug from me and even at my age have the same feeling for my mom.
So this mothers day tell you mom how much you luv and appreciate them......and for those of you that may have lost your mother this very special day say a quick pray of thanks and think about your most special moment.
Have a great one, I plan to stay in my pajamas and hang around the farm watching my kids play and my mother play her best role ever - mother n' grandma.
Much luv.

Bobbing for apples or something like that...

2010-04-15T18:00:00.002-05:00

I feel like I keep sticking my head in a big bucket of water bobbing for apples. Why because I luv feeling as if I am underwater trying to reach the impossible apple in my mouth.
You know the deal, you get close to one and then it bobs around in the water and moves at just the right moment and well you missed it. Or perhaps you got just a small chunk - you know the chunk that makes you feel like 'maybe' just maybe you are really gonna get one.

Work is good and bad. Since the lady has left there has been a total atmosphere change, like a toxic has left the building, but the WORK, omg the WORK. It seems to never stop.
So I did my first payroll and out of 145 checks I had 1 mistake. Hello, please let me take a moment to pat myself on the back. Job well done. Well that moment was short lived.
Because just as soon as that happy horse shit is done, I am back at only this time to enter payroll hell for the next cycle. These folks here get all sorts of crazy crackhead crap on their check.
Check the FLSA cycle and anyone who worked over 212 hours get half time . Don't be fooled folks that is not time n' half like a normal person would thing. NO it some other formula of nonsense. Ohh and they can get the hours even if they don't work because they are allowed to do trade time - yeah, you trade with me and I owe you one but I get the log the hours as hours worked.
Did I mention this payroll also needs to include their uniform reimbursement - duh. Because why not just add one more monkey item to the list of things to remember on this cycle.
Holy Hell if I survive this I deserve a damn vacation.
A REAL vacation. And since hubby STILL is not working he is totally up my butt.
"you work too much, your never home, your kids miss u" OMG. Totally dude - get back to work!!! I luv you but you are totally driving me nuts. Nuts! And if I do get some down time, god forbid IF I don't want to spend it with my hubby or kids. Ohhh the shame!
Well, folks sometimes they suck the life out of me too.....sometimes I like the girl time, without any drama or strings.
There is no balance at the moment, but then again I have a job and we are able to pay our bills.
That my friends is the silver lining of this story. So many of our friends don't have jobs, cannot find jobs. I ready to grab that damn apple with my hands and shove it in my mouth - I don't like the whole bobbing game. Plus it ruins my make-up-ha!
This may seem random, which is fine - I am a bit all over the place these days. If only I could clone myself to be two places at once - that would be helpful. gotta run Work to do!

careful what you wish for....

2010-03-28T12:14:00.002-05:00

Work has been stressful lately - I have been putting in 12 and 14 hour days.
My husband and children feel abandoned and I feel quite frankly run down.
Last week I had my 2009 audit, a team of 4 was on site for 5 days. OMG
It is hard to prepare audit work papers for a year I did not work through. I did not officially start until July. Luckily the auditors were patient with me, and have been here 2 years prior, so they had some direction. It was hard for me professionally to not have the answers, not be totally prepared - I just don't function that way.
We will have some follow-up questions and documents, but the week of hell has come and gone.
At least that is what I had thought until 2:30 on Friday, when my payroll person decided she has had enough and next Friday is her last week.
This news has left me breathless and barely able to breath -um, say WHAT. SAY WTF?
This person is due to retire on May 6, so once my audit was over i was going to spend the next 30 days up her crawl sucking the past 10 years of information out of her brain.
Well that has been reduced to maybe 4 days, she already has a scheduled day off.
OMG!
I thought my kids and hubby hated me before the audit, well it is not going to get any better anytime soon. I have payroll in a week n' half, just posted the ad and well no warm body to fill the seat or cross-train. Holy Hell batman - someone scream out LOUD.
I took this job hoping for a challenge, a change ect. Well, I guess when you get what you ask for you really cannot complain. However next time I will be sure to ask with special parameters - such as one challenge at a time, the ability to actually learn one thing at a time and not have to work 12 to 14 hours. Just a thought.
So if you are looking for me, my butt will be permanently planted in my chair at work. My blinds will be open so at least I can see out side, and my heart will be heavy because my kids miss me. As I do them. Luckily Lance is still not working so the kids are not being shuffled around like hot-cakes. They really do have some stability. Who knows what next week will hold, one thing is for sure - never relay on a nice quite week when I am around.

hello from the flip side...FL

2010-03-13T19:48:00.002-06:00

Where to start.....right now I am sitting at my grandmothers lap top, in her office surrounding by her stuff and photos of family thanking god I am here.
Two days ago, me n' my sister loaded up the car and left St. Louis around 6pm and began our 14 hr trip to Tampa FL to see my grandparents. This is the weekend for 'us' to celebrate our grandparents. (us - a combined unit of cousins; 6 of us are here and several others could not make it). My grandfather is in the local VA hospital refusing to eat. We knew we must come and celebrate his life while we can, plus we needed to see my grandmother.
Me n' my sister loaded up and took off only to realize a few things.
1) we had no idea where we were going. um, minor detail.
We got the address via a text from my aunt and attempted to type it into our nifty GPS system.
We hit the highway and still did not have an offical route to follow, because I typed the wrong state in the GPS. Well not technically the wrong state, I just did not change the state.
We laughed as we left town, god help us we thoughts.
We drove, and drove and drove.....until about midnight, into Kentucky.
We got a 25.00 seedy hotel room and attempted to sleep for 4 hours.
I put the chairs and table in front of the door, and even though there were double beds we slept n the same one. We giggled like school girls, like when we were younger sharing a room, she sang some stupid song that sent us over the edge of laughter then we attempted to get some sleep.
At 4 am the alarm went off, we got up pee'd then hopped in the car. Sort of like zombies, but zombies on a mission. We got up and started driving again. About this time our other 4 cousins were leaving STL too. At 4 am 6 of us were on the road.
We were buring up the highway. We practically survived on gum, cig, monster energy drinks and coffee. BTW those energy drinks will make your pee glow - just sayn'.
Weird.
We talked, laughed and sang songs at the top of our lungs. We sang everything from Janis Joplin, Black Crows, Pink to Pink Floydd. We terroized the highways a bit, dancing in our seats and making fun of some of the cars we passed. It was for all intensive purposes the best road trip I've taken yet.
We arrived at my grandmothers house only to realize that neither one of us ever called our grandmother to tell her WE were really coming. Then we realized that we weren't even sure IF we were at the right house. We sat in the drive way and laughed so hard we cried. Finally I got out, I totally had to pee, I was going in this house even if it was just to pee.
We walked up to the door and the door knocker had their name on it. YEAH!! We really were here.
My grandmother welcomed us with open arms. The rest of the crew was a good 4 hours behind us, so we opened some wine, got in the BIG bed w/ grandma and began to spend some time. We talked, laughed and cried. I am so glad to be here I could practically burst.
As my sister took a shower me and my grandmother shared a few moments. She told me that she was trying to get the record player from an realtive so she could play me 'Peter n' the Wolf'.
I immed went back to my childhood being in her downstairs living room dancing around the circle stone table while the opera Peter in the Wolf played in the back round. It brought me to tears. Her home feels like home, it is warm it is welcoming and I feel very relaxed.
the more miles we drove the better I felt, each worry and stress left me with each mile.
As I took a shower I know my sister also shared her moment of time with my grandmother. She has always made us each feel so special individually.
We drank 2 bottles of wine by the time everyone else arrived. And then it was one big hug and crying fest. It was for all intensive purposes 'lovely'.
We are all so similiar so strong and so FAMILY.
Today we went to the VA hospital to see my Grandfather, who is refusing to eat. We all walked in and he was surprised, he forgot we were coming. He was thrilled once he finally processed it all. We got approval to get him outside, so we sat in the sun and each of us took a turn sharing a small moment in time with him. Even if it was just for a moment, he got it, he remembered us and his eyes were shining.
As we sit here as a collective unit of grandkids we feel luv'd, welcomed and like family. A strong family. We do not feel disappoint for any of our actions or thoughts, we shared stories, laughs and a few tears. It is has been so nice to feel comfortable and supported for who I am, just me - faults, quirks and nonsense.
This trip with my sister will go down in the record books as a great trip, like a modern day Thelma n' Louise. God speed to us as we trek back early Monday morning. god speed.
In the mean time we have a to do list - thrift store, physic, tatoos and who know what else.
today was a beach day....beach, water, sea-shells and a sun set w/ my family. my heart is full today and I am totally lucky. Everyone should have a rock-starr family.

Glutten for punishment...

2010-03-08T12:07:00.002-06:00

Holly hell batman, I think we have been drinking the 'crazy kool-aid'.
Over the weekend we bought an 11 wk old puppy - bulldog puppy.
We were not and STILL are not prepared.....what the hell is wrong with us??
March is here and I am gearing up for an audit, extra work since I've been assigned to two add'l committees, both my kids have birthdays this month, and well what the hell a new dog.
Oh, yeah almost forgot, one of the ladies in my office has decided to retiree......my light at the end of the audit tunnel has now turned into HELL.
The reality of my payroll lady leaving has me a bit panicky.
Oh yeah, and we bought a dog. Tank, the bull dog. Tank, who sounds like 'tink' when Pyper tries to say it.
This morning had me swirling and whirling from trying to figure out how to fit this new puppy into my morning routine. Needless to say it did not go well.
We bought the dog a kennel, which still at this moment sits in my garage in the box it came in.
It would have been most helpful this morning IF the kennel was set up and ready for the dog to go into. Yeah, in hindsight that would have been REALLY helpful.
Instead I had to be creative and FIND a place to put the puppy. And the crying, OHH the crying from his sad soul. Which lead to my son and my daughter crying - because the puppy was sad.
And we were late.
I was standing out in the backyard this morning, right after my shower, hair wet ; cursing the dog that needed to go potty. But rather than go potty he wanted to play, or lick my wet leg. As I bend down to rub my leg, because it was gross from the licking, he decided to chew on my hair. Yeah, it was a freakn' zoo. God help any of my neighbors who could see the nonsense this morning. Tank was hopping around, wanting to play and I am begging him to just go potty.
We like most men, he only really responds to food or treats. But IF i give him a damn treat he will have to poop again. aye, aye, aye.
The dog IS a good idea, we just should have been a bit more prepared.
Which by the way we are and were Not. So in the mean time the dog will have to suffer until we can get his crap situated and find a schedule. Sort like with my kids, they are at the mercy of my learning curve. They will survive, we will just be discombobulated and cranky until we get there.
And much like my kids, it is a damn good thing he is so darn cute because he has me tired and a bit cranky.
We will be all good, in due time. The goal for tonight is to get the kennel set up and find a good spot for it. We will work on the schedule in due time. Yesterday we had to get food and dog bowls, that is how far behind the curve we were. I promise to post photos - which are in my camera on the counter top. Hopefully later this week, but not too much later...ha!
Wish us luck! proud new owners of a dog.

picture day...

2010-03-03T09:27:00.002-06:00

Okay so this morning, I forgot it was picture day for Rylan.
I knew it about two days ago, when it read the little yellow slipp in his back-pack.
And well, I have slept since then and got sidetracked and by today I flat out forgot.

That was until I got to the babysitters and one of the kids so politely remind me.
I looked at Rylan and cringed, I was not going to let him get his picture taken today lookn' like that. I packed him up and made him go home in change, which as usual came with its own emotions from my little almost 9 yr old.
Needless to say he was pissed off. flat out, down right mad at me.
I decided to eat it, well for about 5 minutes. Then I got mad back at him and started to pull out the 'if you don't get over it, I will take this away or that away.'
I know classy parenting.
I got my parenting skills off the back of a freakn' milk carton, what do you expect.
But for real, I just needed him to change his darn shirt and put a some gunk in his hair and we could go.
He didn't want to wear a shirt with a collar, it itches. OHH the moaning.
He didn't want to fix his hair, he HATES it spiky. *since when??? dude we were just spiking it 2 mths ago**
He put on a pullover sweater w/ a zipper/collar. He was huffy and dumpy, but did it.
Then we moved on to the hair. He sprayed the same spot in the back then though he was done.
Me 'NO dude, fix the front.'
He carefully pulls all of his hair towards the front and attempts to walk off.
I tell him to get back there and FIX the front, for gosh sakes.
So to show me, he fixed it alright - it looks like a fish fin on the top of his head.
At this point, I gave up the battle - which was half won.
And we packed up and headed back to the babysitters so he could catch the bus.
Whew. Who knew picture day could be such drama w/ a damn boy.
As I dropped him off, I honked at him as he was walking down the path. In an attempt to lighten the mood, I waved and smiled. He moped, barely raised his hand and didn't even give me a smirk. ugh.
Yeah, I get parent of the year for being totally classy today. That was the start of my day, I wonder if it is an indication on how the rest of it will go.

smile:

2010-02-19T13:15:00.002-06:00

These days I feel like everyone I know has lost their smile.
Myself included. I know I struggle thru the winter, I always have..and this winter seems even more intense than others. New job, new struggles new crap - once you boil it all down.
The difference this year is that Lance too seems to be in a 'funk'. Normally we are not both in a funk together, which is good because it makes it easier to get out of IF there is someone there to help.
Lance and I have been struggling to reach a common ground for awhile now. We have never been really great communicators, so when that minimal communication breaks down everything else seems to get lost in translation. Which leads us to where we are today.
Which frankly, I am not sure where that is; perhaps a hazy line between just going thru the motions and finding solutions.
Several factors, I feel are contributing to our distance, and inability to communicate or communicate clearly. One - my sister has decided that she wants to be separated and/or divorced. The realization of this has trickled it way into our house hold and sent our already rocky-relationship swirling a bit. He has verbalized some fear of me attempting to act like my sister. PLEZ is my response. get a grip. He has also tried to limit my time spent with my sister, which only makes me push back. Dude, she is my sister, we are CLOSE. This is nothing new and nothing that will ever change.
He has become semi-angry at the developments between my sister and her husband and he seems to be, from my perspective, taking it out on me a bit. Which does not sit well.
Secondly, my job. Hello folks - remember in June when I changed jobs, per his recommendation. I originally turned this job down, then he told me I was a dumbass and I took the job. Well, now that i am here and it is requiring ALOT of my time and attention he is pissed. I am exhausted, and brain-dead half the time. The last thing I can deal with is him being mad at the fact that my job is requiring a more hours than expected. Once again, as he pushes I push back. And we are left with a greater distance between us than before.
Third, his job. Lets face it folks. He also got a new job this summer and it has for the most part not panned out the way he has hoped. In my opinion he has lost his passion, his drive and even his smile. While on the subject, what about friends. Where are his? I get chastised for wanting to go to dinner, go out for girls nite ect. This is who I am, who I have ALWAYS been. This is nothing new. But by the same token, he was that person too. We found a way to make it work. Lately he has become for all intensive purposes, old. I have said to him and my sisters husband, find something to do - once or twice a week. For ideas, bowling, dart league, shoot guns, cards ect. Find a reason to get out of the house and bond with some boys.
For one if he is going out a bit more he will get off my ass, and secondly I 'think' he will just feel better.
Do you know how heart warming it is to sit with a girlfriend and laugh so hard it hurts. Currently I live for those moments. I have and always have had a great group of family and friends.
He has always lived to work and work hard. Now I am not sure what he is living for and as he attempts to find that we struggle. He has started to not trust me and frankly that pisses me off. It pushes me further away. Sexually it has become a mute point. *I know you totally wanted to know that.* The more he pushes me the less and less I want to be around him and the less and less we work at fixing the obvious broken parts.
The worst part about all of this is that I am a bit emotionally numb about it all. Not saddened, not happy, actually not much of anything. And with each passing day it becomes easier to fill my time with other things and activities. We are still loving our kids and being polite (at times); but our smiles have disappeared.
I keep looking for mine. I keep hoping he will find his. Hoping that Mr. Winter has it wrapped up in a snow flake that will eventually fall out of the sky. I luv him and we all know that luv is tough, marriage is tough. This is not a post about divorce or wanting to leave. It is just a post about our current struggle, which i am sure we will get through - just wondering if we will both better when it is all said n done.
However when we talk (fight) he does not take any ownership. He feels it is all me - that he really has nothing wrong and that I create the situation, push the situation and continue to perpetuate the nonsense. And me being , well me...that does not sit well. I will own my fair share of it, but at the same time I recognize my pitfalls and my own funk and try to fix it.
I don't really think he does that.... and I think it is swallowing him alive. I think it makes it easy to blame it all on me. And normally I would eat it all and try to fix it. I am not doing that this time.
Perhaps that is part of the reason he is in a funk. I am not playing the role I normally play, the fixer role -the I am going to save this role. I feel stronger each day, I am changing and with that comes the need for our relationship to change. I am trying to find my smile, I am looking for the laughter - I wish he would too....
I hope spring brings warm weather and smiles.

celebrate family....

2010-02-05T09:00:00.003-06:00

In my own mind my family is its own version of 'rockstarrs'.
We are dysfunction, but not disconnected. We are fierce in loving each other and in protecting our own. And lets face it, we do have good genes - our gene pool leaves us with some charactistricts that we all wear with pride. You don't have to know us to know that we are related, just look at us......any number of us, and it is immediately clear. Its in the eyes.
I am speaking of my mothers side of the family, the Guertin side. I, like my siblings and cousins have been giving alot of thought and energy in trying to figure out how to celebrate our grandfather Jack.

Perhaps, I should back up. I have been lucky enough to know all of my grandparents, and even my great-grandparents. Secondly, I have been lucky enough that my mother/father made it priority for us as children to spend time with them. I was in my teens when my great-grandmother died, and in my late teens or early 20's when my great-grandfather died. They are real and tangible to me. I have found memories of them and a great affection for their commitment and luv for each other and their family. Which included my mother....
My great grandparents come to Ellis Island on the boat, one full Irish, and one full Italian. Hello -feisty, and dynamic; just based on genetics. My great grandparents were a great source of comfort and support for my mother, and for us they represented a great source of love and commitment. We did travel to NY to see them and celebrate them and create memories for us that continue resonate with me today. I am lucky to have gotten the chance to know them.

Growing up my grandparents played such an important role in my life. Back then they seemed so much bigger and larger than life to me. They were jet-setters, with their lake house, plane, boat, and even a photo w/ my grandmother attending dinner w/ President Regan. For a small town girl that sort of stuff made my eyes glitter. Growing up w did not travel out west or to the beach or to Disney for vacation, we went to visit family out east. And out east they welcomed us, all 3 rowdy kids with open arms. My grandparents took us to the capital, to the Smithsonian, to my first live play (which to the day I luv), taught us to ride the subway, train, took us Georgetown and made sure we were always learning something.

In thinking about where I am today and my personality, I have to say I am alot like him (grandpa Jack). Stubborn, dynamic, a bit twitchy, and fierce when I have to be. I luv to have a good time. I have seen him party like a rock starr and his smile charm the pants off complete strangers. He would constantly lick his finger tips. Which sounds strange, but is was barley noticeable. I twirl my hair or pace. Seems to be necessary in order to process the constantly moving thoughts and to help process. He seemed to be constantly reach for something more, constantly trying to re-invent or learn something new. Yeah, I get that, and luv that about him and how I carry that attribute in myself today. My grandfather was athletic the poster child of getting off your ass and finding something fun to do. He taught me to skii, and to this day I luv it. We would zip around the lake in his boat and he would barefoot skii, and teach each of us to trust him and get it done.
As I begin to teach my son to skii, which we worked on this summer. I realized how hard that process really is. As my son got up for his first time I felt a tear slip down my cheek. You could feel that source of confidence hit my son in an instant. He is learning to be unstoppable. Even after all of the trials and water up the nose, the moment you get up on the skii and feel that sense of accomplishment that cannot be taken away. My grandparents taught me so much about being confident. You can see it in my mom, now in me and my sister.
As I got older my grandfather and I had what I would call a personality conflict. Basically I was a smarty pants and much like him wanted to always be right. One night we were playing trivial pursuit, and we were arguing, he threatened to throw me over the rail at the lake house. Gosh, he was worked up and in hind site I was too. ha! I vividly remember my grandmother Pat sitting back and laughing. She could see it, me acting just like him. *see me glow with pride*
My grandfather Jack has 13 grandchildren, I am the oldest female grandchild. As a collective unit of grandchildren we all have fond memories of him and can share stories of how he has touched us and how we have grown because of him in our life. We as a collective unit have decided that we MUST find a way to show him how much he has touch us and contribute to us as adults.

7 year ago, while riding his motorcycle my grandfather fell off a cliff and is now paraplegic. For 7 years has not been mobile from the neck down. Can you imagine living life like a rockstarr and then suddenly being thrown into circumstances where you cannot even wipe your own ass. My grandmother was on the bike with him and has sustained life long injuries as well.
He continues to shine like a rockstarr in my eyes, he continues to be a source of straight and comfort. And once again, we as a collective we feel like we must let him know how much he contributed us. This could be the year we lose him, he has lost both of his brothers with in the last 6 mths and he has been in and out of the hospital. Our hearts are saddened and heavy.

We will rally together and see him this year, and celebrate with him as his grandchildren. It is the least we could do, given all he has given to each of us.

Earrings and more...

2010-02-01T11:10:00.003-06:00

Well, things have been tough, tense and well just down right out of sorts.
Not sure where to start and frankly have gotten to the point where I just don't care.....frankly I don't mind being in this state of mind, which prob says something all in its self.
Anyhooo!
Lance and I got in a HUGE fight over my son requesting an earring for his 9th birthday. I mean HUGE, to the point of hanging up on each other and being um, not so nice. He says, no and I say it is prob okay. Not only does he say no, he says I am an irresponsible parent for even thinking that it is okay at the age of 9.
See me fly off the handle. Sure I am a lot of things and perhaps irresponsible a time or two, but over this issue - for real? Lets be frank folks, I have let my son wear a mo-hawk since he was 5, per his fathers encouragement and support. So the fact that I semi- support an earring does not seem off base to me. Mind you I did not encourage the latest request, but I don't see any huge harm in it either.
My son gets all A's, he is comfortable in his own skin and he thinks at this stage it is cool. My husband told him it was and I quote 'gay, and that only pirates and girls wear earrings.'
See me punch him in the face!! My son was almost in tears, totally deflated by his father and his latest approach. Mind you my husband has had a tongue piercing, eyebrow piercing and yes folks even his ears. So to deflate my son in one fail swoop sent me over the edge. I told Rylan to ask his dad, feeling that him and I would pretty much be on the same page w/ this issue. I could not have been more wrong nor more shocked.
Needless to say, huge fight ensued - I called got a few perspectives and the broached the subject again w/ dear ol' hubby. Trying to be sensible, well that approach ended in another screaming match. GAME ON.
So I had plans for Sat night, going out for Girlz nite out. But on Friday, around 7pm, I left the house as well. Friday morning and afternoon was the earring conversation, so for the sake of saving peace in the house -either he needed to go or I did. Well he clearly was not going out.
I called the ol' sister and out we went. I needed to decompress, I needed to relieve some stress.
On my way out the door I get the whole ' what about your kids' speech.
My kids are fine, their father can take care of them. Besides it was prob best that one of us left, for the sake of the kids so they did not have to hear us fight (again!).

A weekend of two nights out, is about to kick my butt. Well worth it all, I SO needed this type of a weekend. I laughed so hard I cried, I danced so much my legs hurt two days later, and I have such good friends I could burst. I did not drink too much, that was not the mission. But I did decompress, I did re-group, and I am still going to stand my ground.
I told Lance that I was going to let Rylan get an earring for his 9th birthday in March, like it or not. But IF he has anything to say about it, he had better take it out on me and not Rylan. We will see how this one pans out......to be continued.

unsuspecting hero(s)

2010-01-20T08:54:00.003-06:00

So working for a fire district has been interesting 'if' nothing else.
As I get to know the guys and they become more and more comfortable with me, this one thing imparticular stands out.
They as a whole don't want to be seen as heros. This struck me as funny.
Little kids look up to fire fighters, men and women are grateful to them for saving their luv'd ones and their homes (if possible). And yet they don't want to be placed in the hero box.
My response to one of them was just this 'don't be a dream killer. suck it up and move on.'
As we continued our talk, it became evident that some where along the lines of being a fire fighter they feel that they are placed on a pedestal that does not allow them to be human or make human mistakes.
Yesterday two of our paramedics lost a guy. You could see it written all over their face, the grief; but at the same time this is their job and they must move on. In speaking with one of the guys he stated, 'you know we assessed the situation, and it was one of two roads to take. we choose one way to address the situation, I still feel it was the best choice; but then again we will never know.'
I sat back and listened, as they worked and talked thru the nonsense in their head at that moment. You can see both of them struggling with the events of the day, and somehow they need to find away to make it all okay. I sit back and wonder how they do that.........
As they move on to a more typical topic like home life, kids ect. You can see they are trying to be distracted, trying to get away from the series of events.
Then we head back to the hero subject. And one guy says ' I am only human, and I suck, I don't want to be any ones hero. I am doing my job does not make me a hero.'
I laugh out loud. I tell him he is a cry baby and to get over it.
Here's how I see it.
These guys/gals go into situations that make the rest of us run the other way. They go into situations against their better judgement, against every fiber of their being that tells them to run the other way - because the situations are dangerous. They are life and death, they are gory, they are gruesome; and yet they go. They put fear aside, they make instant life or death decisions and they go into all sort of situations that make the rest of us cringe.
I sit at a desk, and crunch numbers - not quite the same pedestal.
We continued talking and then I had this to say as well;
'okay so as humans you guys all prob suck. It is prob hard to be married to you, prob hard to put up with you. ' As the masses put you on a pedestal you have to understand that not for one moment do 'we' (as the general) see beyond your fire truck and gear. We never see the person underneath the gear - and for us that is okay.
As I spoke one of them said, 'I never thought of it like that. Thanks for the prospective.'
I smiled and said 'as and FYI you are a jackass. but at the same time IF I was ever in an accident I would want it to be you that saved me. I trust your decisions, trust your instincts and trust that you did your absolute best. Secondly, I trust you won't look at my underwear in the back of an ambulance (unless you absolutely have to) -ha!!'
Let us place them in the hero box, and once again don't be a dream killer.
We all need someone to look up too.
I work with 132 hero's and yes folks as far as general men go; they suck.
As far as fire rescue and paramedics go, some of the best. Welcome to my world of hero's, it is a tough job.

finding others...

2010-01-12T09:53:00.002-06:00

When I went to Europe and live in a flat with 12 other students I met a girl from Tulsa OK. Both being home grown and corn feed we migrated towards each other. I found her to be striking, she had bright blue eyes, naturally curly hair and cheeks that were naturally blushed.
I luv'd that...on top of that she was easy to talk too, we had a lot in common, including our new found European adventure.
During our stint in Europe we would take classes Mon-Wed and Wed afternoon hop on the train with our Euro-rail pass in hand and ride. Sometimes we would have destination in mind, other times not so much. The Euro-rail was like a ticket to travel heaven. So Wed - Sat or Sunday we would travel from country to country. Not knowing the language, not knowing how to read most of the signs and not knowing how to order off a menu - we were for all intensive purposes 'winging it.'
We found ourselves in a hairy situation or two - and how we managed to survive and walk away with a good story and smile still amazes me. We met SO many people, saw so many places - some touristy, and some off the beaten path. Back then it felt like we would stay friends forever, never lose touch. Once we got back state-side. I went to see her in OK, she came here and this went on for a few years. Then somehow we lost each other while living life - you know, getting married, getting careers, having kids etc.
There are moments when I am struck by a situation with her and I feel the urge to find her. Which is SO darn easy these days, I just had to get off my butt and get it done. So two days ago, on Facebook I found her. See sunshine and care-bears surround me. Facebook what a wonderful and terrible invention all wrapped up in one place. Wonderful - because I luv being able to keep up with people and stay in touch w/ family and friends. Wonderful because it totally rocks my world. Terrible for the same reasons, it is distracting to me. For as each moment passes I wonder who has posted, what are they doing - anything exciting, anything better than what ever task i am attempting to accomplish? Ohh how there are times it haunts me, because I just want to know - and know it all.
Such a girl!
I guess after I think about, it is like one big gossip site with photos and everything. Luv it!
Anyhoo....
I found her, I reached out to her - she is in Hawaii. Yeah, can we say plan ticket and road trip?
Its funny to me how people just sort of pop back in to one's life and how the ones you thought would stay close forever seem to fade away so easily. Bottom line I am stoked to have found her, to see her face in her profile made me gasp. Yeah! I live for moments like this....you know the good ones. So as I play catch up with a dear friend know that I am forever and grateful and haunted by facebook -ha!!! Ohh the curse...sometimes the shame, ha!
Although it is proving to lead to good things, great friends and a few good laughs. whoo-hoo.

2010....

2010-01-05T09:18:00.002-06:00

OKay so I am firm believer in Karma....
I totally believe that what goes around comes around - maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow and definitely not as quickly as I would like at times. Being mindful of ones thoughts and actions is tough at times.
Sometimes against all efforts and against all reasoning things happen. One day we wake up and things have changed. CHANGED.
I used to be terrified of change, terrified of alot of things. Not so much anymore.
I dont' have all the answers, I ask alot of questions and still find myself swimming in a pool of self inflicted nonsense. Happens.
So as I enter 2010 here are some things that I do know.
It is okay fail, as long as u learn something
I should have been 'nicer' to myself 10 yrs ago
I don't have to have all the answers, but I am working on it - ha!!
For every tear you shed you find a reason to smile
In lou' of all of the nonsense I have been truly blessed
I am so glad to have siblings and a best friend from childhood -they see thru all of my nonsense.
I am glad that my children have each other
It really is a miracle that we wake up everyday, live your life to the fullest and have no regrets
*make mistakes, but don't regret them*
Money does not equal happiness
Being alone is okay
I am not going to make any resolutions this year it seems retarded to spit out a list of generic items that I will never achieve. In the next month or so, I will forget every item on my list. So why bother.
As I enter 2010 I wonder what the future holds and wonder if I am learning the lessons of the past? On New Years day - we read our horoscopes (me, mom and Courtney) for the year. It was something fun, something light hearted to take in stride. They discussed the moon, starts and how they align and what house enters what sphere of living. A whole lot of technical mumbo jumbo - to let me know that changes and challenges are coming. Well, hello - tell me something I didn't know. Unless you are living under a rock your days and years will be filled with changes and challenges. Get ready for the ride of a lifetime, welcome 2010...

Hard Candy Christmas

2009-12-29T14:50:00.002-06:00

Christmas eve I get up in a panick because I remembered that I did not set the phones on the Holiday Greeting. In my mind this was a big deal, because I work for a fire district and it is kind of important if people are trying to records n'stuff if we are not open.
Okay, so maybe not SO important, but in my mind I was totally worked up.
I look at my kids and Lance and tell them I have to go...I throw on some sweats, slippers and grab some coffee and head out the door.

I get in the car, still beside my self, half in thought then as a habit I turn on the raido and it begins playing Dolly Parton's 'Hard Candy Christmas'.

I stop mid-thought and I am taken back twenty years or so. I have a huge urge to phone my sister - as a rule whenever we hear this song we call each other. I realize it is 7 am and she prob won't be pleased, but at that moment I want to bottle the song up, put a ribbon on it and send it across the way to her home.
Growing up we would stay at my aunts house and she would play this song over and over again. Back then you could tell there was sadness in her voice and this song somehow resignated with her life. But being 10 or so, in my little world it created memories for me and my sister - my aunt would place the record on the record player and walk around the house singing this song, she knew every word and had the emotion down pat. I still remembering thinking how beautiful she was and how much I luv'd to hear her sing that song. I am not sure what it signified for her, but for me and my sister it carries happier times in our childhood. Being at my aunts house with our cousin, having a sleep over and listening to hard candy christmas.

To this date it is still one of our favorite songs...........words like 'I'm barely gettn' thru tomorrow but still I won't let sorrow bring me way down. Oh, I 'll be fine 'n' dandy, lord its like a Hard Candy Christmas.' Me and my sister sing it at the top of our lungs. We search for it on the radio. Once we were passing each other in seperate vehicles, realized it was on the radio - I turned around ; we both pulled over onthe shoulder - I got in her car and we sang.
Basically we drop just about everything, and try to find each other the moment we hear it......strange I know.

As we find ourselves struggling thru 2009 and into 2010 it seem pretty appropriate.
This song makes us smile, helps connect us in so many ways - sort of like Janice Joplin's 'Bobby McGee'. Anywhere, anytime we hear those songs we are immed taken back to each other and find the urge the reach out and phone one another.

Christmas was good and hard this year in so many ways. So many things are changing, yet so many things stayed the same. All 3 of us were home for the holidays with our kids. Our spouses, well that is a different story. One prob not to be shared just yet, but let's just say I am glad the 3 of us got together at my mom's again. I am glad that my mother and father were around one more year, and semi social. I am glad that everyone had on their 'happy face' and those that could not play nice, just decided not to swing by.

Ohh and by the way after my little memory flash back while driving, I made it to work - switched the phones (no problem). Then as I was getting ready to leave I set the darn alarm off. I had the PD and Fire show up, while I was in my sweats and slippers - yeah, good stuff!!
So to my aunt who prob doesn't realize the wonderful memories she has created for us, I say thank you. Deep down I hope she still has her record player and her 45 of Hard Candy Christmas......

Ready??

2009-12-10T10:44:00.007-06:00

Okay folks so we are in the home stretch and the HOLIDAYs are fast upon us. Normally I am a big bah-hum-bug kinda' girl. Nothing has been normal about this year, including my feelings towards x-mas. I got my tree up a week ago, Lance strung lights on my house and I am feeling pretty grounded. It could either be my little blue pill, or the fact that we actually have a handle on x-mas this year.
With Lance still not work I have sent him x-mas shopping. I made a list of names and he has spent the last two days tracking around the stores and mall. And for that I am thank-ful - I HATE to shop, I esp. hate to shop around the holidays when all of the crack heads are out, the lines are long and the prices are jacked. Lance on the other hand does not seem to mind it, although he did state last night that he really needed a drink - ha!!
I was a bit hesitant sending Lance out with little to no guidelines, I was afraid everyone would end up with Busch beer and beef-jerky. To my surprise he has done a great job. I took care of all of the girl stuff for my many nieces and he took care of the boys on the list and as much as it hurts me to admit it, he did a great job.

Today in an effort to keep up with his new Martha Stewart mentality he is going to spend the day wrapping the gifts. Swoon!!
Aside from shopping I despise wrapping. Lance complains every year what a crappy job I do - the corners are not straight, the tap is not centered etc.... Every year I want to punch him in the face and tape his mouth shut. But this year, I am really pleased. Perhaps because I have slacked or perhaps because I don't have to do it. Lance seems pleased to have something to do during the day, and I am beyond pleased that I don't have to do much.
To keep up with my holiday cheer this year, I even signed up for a cookie swap / ginger bread house party. Little did I know that a party like this meant that I would actually have to cook cookies, like 8 dozen cookies. As I was cooking my asrse off two Saturdays ago, Lance was in the kitchen telling me how lame I was to be making choc' chip cookies for the swap. He let me know that I needed to do something more interesting, I responded with a glare.
It is either choc' chip or a box of oreo's from Schnucks. Something more interesting my arse! So sent him to the store to get eggs and he came back with eggs and a magazine that had 50 holiday cookie recipes. I decided to burn the magazine in the oven and still made choc' chip cookies.
My children had a blast making ginger bread houses, my husband came with us and was the only man around, carrying his beer, swapping cooking stories and helping Rylan make his house just perfect. He was in his element hanging with the gals and drinking.
I have so much to be thankful for and seem to have lost sight of it all during the last few months. One day and one step at a time, because the list is too overwhelming. However it is easier to manage now that Lance is actually doing most of it........I figure if he doesn't get work soon, I will lend his services out to other ladies in the community. He cooks, cleans, does laundry and apparently shops for gifts. If you allow him around you will have to put up with his mouth, which does not have much of a filter - but hey, you cannot win them all.
Happy Holidays! Stay safe, warm and healthy. I am ready for some family time, good food and drinks! Yes, bring on the drinks!

Holiday run...

2009-11-30T11:23:00.003-06:00

We are sprinting to the finish line for 2009 and I cannot wait for it to be over.
It has had its bright spots but for the most part I am ready to ring in the new year and hopefully a few new happier moments.

2009 seemed to be a year of loss for us, which seems weird - it seems like every other phone call or knock at the door was another dose of bad news. I asked Lance the other day, when I found out that my second cousin had died in a vehicle accident in Texas, if death had always surrounded us and we never knew it or has it really been a bad year? He agreed, it has really been a bad year. The individuals that we lost this year were not old, actually not a one of them died of old age - nor were they expected. The series of events have kept us humble and perhaps given us some much needed perspective during this holiday time.

To say that this holiday season will be tough will be an understatement. We are living pay-check to paycheck and sometimes not even making it then. Lance has been a stay at home dad for the better part of the year, and as much as it brings him joy to see our kids and be available it has been hard on him. His ego has burst a bit and our ability to get things accomplished has diminished. We did not take a family trip this year, we could not afford to; which is fine. However our family trip consist of visiting HIS family in Texas. His mother is in her 80's and it is important to us to create memories for them and us. A few months ago we got a phone call that his mother was in ICU, the guilt swept thru like a freight train. The one year we could not make it, could have been the year we lost her. Luckily she had a lung infection and has pulled thru, he would have been crushed to have lost her and not gotten to see her.
But at the same time we cannot jeopardize our ability to keep our heads above water, so the decision not to go to Texas this year or anywhere else for that matter was a must. Welcome to turning into adults, because honestly for a brief moment I was ready to whip out the ol'credit card.
Thanksgiving was a complete blurr.....
We ran to the country Wed night, had Thanksgiving on Thursday, got up early Friday to head to football. Had a game Friday afternoon, which we lost (actually we got smoked!) - this meant we had to play on Saturday. We won our 12:30 game on Saturday which meant we had to play again at 7pm Saturday night. This is the point where I wanted to blow my face off. The games were held an hour away, so we did not go home between Friday and Sat night. Our car was packed to the max with our suite cases from our Wed night track in the night to the country. Plus traveling with a 3 yr old can be tricky - it is even more intense when it is Pyper. Why, well - she is Pyper. On top of it all she was complaining that her pee-pee hurt. I treated it with A&D hoping it was external. Nope, it turned out to be a urinary-tract infection. OMG.
So as Lance smoked two packs of cigs, and walked up and down the football field as if we were going to win a damn gold medal, I went to the bathroom 40,000 times with a child who would wince in pain every time. Luckily the day was perfect, beautiful -therefore being outside was good for our soul. That was until we were still there as the sun went down and the temperature dropped. Needless to say we were still on the football field at 9pm. The boys played their hearts out, the games were close and good. Which is weird to say, for gosh sakes it was only pee-wee football. But if their football drive carried these boys into adult hood, they could aspire to do great things. I am beyond proud of Rylan he showed so much heart, strenght and drive. But best of all he enjoyed it - much to his crack-head fathers delight.
As we pulled into the drive at 10pm Sat night we were beat. Rylan smelled like a gym locker and Pyper looked like a damn rugrat. They crawled into bed as is...too tired to even change. As I changed Pyper she moaned in her sleep, upset that I was even touching her and disrupting her moment of sleep. It took all I had to get Rylan to take his cup out of his pants.
Once I had them tucked into their beds, I changed my clothes and went out. Yes - folks on top of the thanksgiving hustle-bustle and football I went to the damn barr. No I am not a barr fly, it was my sisters birthday. As I arrive at 11pm smelling like popcorn and ball sweat, I of course am late to the party. The girls by 11pm are rowdy and I have 2 hours to attempt to catch up. By 1am I am SO ready to go home, so ready to sleep in my bed. As I get home and grab a quick shower I thank god I am home and that everyone is asleep in my house. I have high expectations of sleeping in and staying in my pj's all day Sunday.
I would like to say that was the end of our adventure, but then it would not be my house if things were that easy. Pyper woke up - her infection got worse. Up early to take her to the doc in the box, well they sent us to Urgent Care. Yes, finally a damn prescription to treat her UTI - whew. This morning she was a bit better - after three doses of an antibiotic.
Rylan spent Sunday in his pj's playing the Wii, eating and just relaxing. He needed a break.
By 8pm last night everyone was asleep in my house.
By 3am I hear Rylan's feet hit the floor and him whining. I rush to the bathroom to find him bent over the toilet. I am cursing in my head *damn, damn, damn*.
His sad eyes are pleading with me to help him, he feels like puking. I feel his head, no fever - I think I am in the clear. I send him to bed with a cold rage, only to hear him 10 minutes later.
By the time I make it to him he is puking his guts up. No, no, no!!!!
I fear we may have the flu. So now we have a UTI and puking. I begin to wonder if we got the flu from the someone at football - do you know how many hands he had to slap in an effort to say good game?
I do no do black friday, nor do I do cyber monday.
So I have not bought one x-mas present, we do not have our lights or tree up and Lance is at home w/ two kids. As we spoke this moring, we agreed that it is just a matter of time before Pyper gets and with that we kissed each other as if to acknowledge 'here we go'.

A little GOOD

2009-11-20T14:38:00.002-06:00

Okay so as I bitch and moan thru 2009 I dug deep to find a little good....good that I thought I would share.

Work - thinks are getting better. I am getting my arms around it more and more each day, and starting to feel like someone who deserves to her paycheck, rather than feeling like a complete moron. That folks is a good feeling, as each day passes I dive deeper and deeper into the 'ins' and out's' of this place. And although it has its dark moments it is by far a better place than my last job. The people are just as nice, the politics still suck, but by far a better place. I am getting grounded and starting to feel like I get it and I belong. Whew - just shy of 6mths in the making. I am thankful to have a job in this market and the recession. I know alot of Finance people are struggling to get work or keep their jobs, I feel pretty secure that my job will be available regardless of the market. The pay is not top notch but the benefits are great, the flexibility is great and the pay is guaranteed - I will take it!

Lance - well I know I don't always have the best things to say about him. It happens, all in all he is a good guy and a jerk all wrapped up in one. Just the way I like my guy! So today after 10 years of being a non-driver he got his license. HELLO folks that is HUGE in my house. He was a drinker/driver and prior to even getting w/ me he had his license revoked for 10 yrs. He had a hardship so he could drive to work, doctors ect. But insurance has been high for us, including the breath thingy in his truck that has to be monitored by the DOR every month for a fee of close to $100. Too say that a huge stress has been lifted would be an understatement - not having a license has limited us in MANY ways. And today, with little to now hoops to jump thru it happened he took his test, got his photo taken and is now legal. OMG! OMG!
If I wasn't mad at him for being, well him - I would jump his bones and kiss his gooey insides.
That folks makes for a great Friday and a good November.
I hope you all get a little ray of sunshine in your day as well.

This year.

2009-11-16T15:56:00.002-06:00

I keep trying to remind myself to count my blessings this year, to take it all in and remember the good.
This year has been a REALLY, REALLY tough one, and it seems like it gets worse with each phone call or knock at the door. Last week we had to attend the funeral for our 20 year old football coach. This event rocked us to the core. My son is sad beyond words and my husband even put a suit on. We had only know Kyle and his family for a brief time, but it felt like a lifetime. We spent a lot of time together over the past few months. The loss of Kyle has left us with a lot of sorrow. Lance and I continue to remain close to his father, step-mom and brother - all a constant reminder of what a great guy Kyle was. We spent last week getting food together, going to the viewing, going to the funeral ect. All of these events came with their own level of emotions, and helped to place some items in prospective.

Last night we get the news that our babysitters brother was in a car accident and is in the trauma/icu at a local hospital and is refusing treatment. Our sitter is sad beyond belief. Her brother Chad is a main stay at her home as he attempts to complete a messy divorce. My children refer to him as U. Chad. We we were not super close, but close none the less and once again our hearts ache. Chad continues to refuse treatment and signed a DNR, at 31 yrs of age he signed a DNR. I just got a call that he has a fever now and won't let the doctors review and attempt to fix his spline which they think is torn. By not fixing a torn spline the toxins could seep into his body and could kill him. At this point he has left strict instructions that the doctors are not to reset his collar bone nor are they perform surgery. His only sister is on the verge of losing her brother right before her eyes. Painful does not begin to describe the sound of her voice, her heart is broken. And with each passing hour that he refuses treatment the worse the situation becomes.

As a sister my heart hurts, and this encourages me to reflect on my situation with my siblings.
I luv them dearly and just hope when it really matters that they know. The same with my husband and kids, I hope when it really matters - they know.

Both families could use warm wishes and prayers. Praying for strenght, wisdom and healing.

Halloween 2009

2009-11-16T15:48:00.003-06:00

2009 Halloween was a success at our home. Rylan decided to be a football player for the 2nd year in a row.

Pyper decided to be princess with football player make up.

Because once she saw her brother with the make-up out she HAD to have some too.

Pyper had been telling us and everyone she met that she was going to be Snow White, which was fine - we have two dress up Snow White outfits. As you can tell, she did not end up being Snow White, she decided to be her version of 'Bell' (from Beauty & The Beast). Well, more like Bell the football player.

This was the first year that Pyper really 'got it'. She carved her own pumpkin, she dug out all the goo and luv'd the finished product.

At the same token, Rylan seemed rather bored with the process. Half way thru his arm got tired, his eyes hurt - blah, blah, blah.

This was the first year, we did not stay home in our subdivision. The kids got more crap and candy than they will ever eat, none the less.

New terms -

2009-10-29T15:09:00.003-05:00

So as we were sharing stories about our kids this morning at work, over coffee one of the ladies said 'have any of you ever heard of a bu-thigh (buh-thigh)?'
We all looked at each other, our brains churning trying to recall if the doctors ever mentioned an issue with a bu-thigh or trying to determine if it was some new crazy virus.
In our morning haze, we all came up blank.....blank, and still blank.
Well, apparently it is alot like cankles - you know the cross between your calf and ankles. I know I had them twice, one with each kid. No one could tell where my calf stopped and my ankle began. And today I learned that I have a bu-thigh as well.
This is where your butt meets your thigh and no one call tell where one ends and one begins.
ahem.....sigh......ahem.
As side from being a little depressed about the conversation, and not feeling like this is a term I ever really wanted to learn I gave a little thought to my back-side.
Which folks is in sad shape - no need to go ahead and coin a term for it.
I've decided there is one indicator that you have officially moved beyond my butt to my thigh. Hello! the saddlebags, these are not located in the butt area - they are carefully placed on the side and are encouraged by each and every calorie filled bit I take. (Hello cheeseburger from Helen's this afternoon). So next time GenY, Z or whatever this generation is called decided to come up with a new term - think hard, because it may sound funny now, but one day you too will be 30 and up and you will eventually get a bu-thigh to match your sag, wrinkles, and cankles.

Baby Einstein

2009-10-27T14:24:00.003-05:00

So by now everyone has heard that Disney is going to refund anyone who bought a baby Einstein video between 2000 and 2005; which by the way would be a ton of people I know - Including myself.
Of course we bought the video's, we watched them - hello bold colors, random movements and silly sounds. My household rather enjoyed them, my son found them to be interesting and they did keep him occupied for a good 10 to 20 minutes - which is mommy world, equals relief.

Hell, I would pop in Porky's if I thought it would give me 10 to 20 minutes of relief during the baby, toddler stage. As a consumer, as a parent and as a semi-level headed adult, I never imagined that the videos would actually make my child smarter or create the next Einstein. I found them to be a better option then the Ed, Edd and Eddy cartoon their father insisted on watching. I found that 8 years ago I could tolerate the videos better than Barney the big purple turd. Because during those day, no I did luv barney, and he did not luv me - we were not one big happy family. In my mind Barney was worse for kids than crack, who in hell thought up a big purple monster that was designed to annoy parents and delight their kids all at the same time.

The Baby Einstein videos on the other hand, never held a topic long enough for it to make much of a difference. Which seems to be part of the recent complaint against their maker - in a nutshell (I think) some are indicating that these videos helped to contribute to short attention spans and semi ADD behavior. Right now I am sighing with a big WTF. That is a bit of a stretch, for REAL. My son's attention span is not longer or shorter due to the damn video and his ADD behavior comes from his father, just like very other character flaw he inherited. That is what happens when you breed with a delinquent - duh.
But just like his twitchy father, he also inherited his softness and ability to play alone -twitch and all (ha, I kid). I get so tired of the 'sheeple' concept - I stole that work from Jamie Allman 97.1 - hello mass America acting like sheep. I was one of those sheep, I bought the damn video. But in hopes of it doing anything other than buying me the precious 15 minutes of down time. But I refuse to jump the bandwagon and demand a rebate for a video that we utilized and enjoyed.
Come on America have we no boundaries anymore. Where is the ownership for our own actions, did you really think your baby would be smarter?? Look at your significant other, check your gene pool - if you want smarts, try an upgrade in that area; not a damn baby video.
Next we will be attributing Pyper's nakedness to the fact that I watched too much Brett Micheal's Rock of Luv, because we all know that the participants are perfect role models.

I am also slightly stunned that Disney is going as far as they have with this issue, such as you can get a rebate even without a receipt. WHAT? Why not just say something like the advertising was a 'stretch' - which is sort of ironic, because folks, that is advertising. Not everything is true. I know 'gasp' - your teeth will not be whiter just by using the $2.00 toothpaste, and your waist will not be smaller by just utilizing colon cleanser. No your teeth are stained, use a treatment and you will spend way too much time in the bathroom w/ your colon cleanser and your butt will be raw, but your fat cells - well still the same.
I am done with my soap box, thanks for the rant - i feel better :)

role reversal...

2009-10-23T08:57:00.003-05:00

I swear I am married to a morphed form of Martha Stewart and Ed Bundy.

I refer to Tuesday as our hell days, these are the days when Pyper has gymnastics and Rylan has football - we run around like idiots. Well this past Tuesday, we were also at the hospital with Lance's dad. So I decided to put on my mom pants and be the one who would run the kids around, normally I am at work and Lance gets it all done.
I left the hospital in enough time to go home and catch a quick half hour nap prior to picking up the kids from the sitters. I managed to convince myself that since Rylan wasn't off the bus yet, I could go home and make nice with my couch, open my windows, say a few prayers and attempt to unwind. That lasted like a milla-second.
I get the kids, get home and start the Tuesday scramble......start Rylan's homework, find the uniform, find the football crap, feed the kids, pack snacks, pack chairs, pack a cooler, pack Pypers mystery bag of stuff to do for 2 hrs of football practice. I start ticking off items in my head as they are getting done, only they are not going as fast as I had imagined. For one, Rylan cannot get his damn uniform on, because he cannot find his cup. I inform him that it is not my job to keep up with it, so he had better find it - or just not wear one. He was appalled to think that I would even advise him to NOT wear one - ohh, the shame. What would his 'boys' do not all snug in that plastic device designed to protect them......I rolled my eyeballs (whatever!!).

So we spent to much time looking for his cup that he never got his homework done, nor did I get dinner started or done - to major things. Eventually I called Lance on his cell phone to attempt to locate the missing cup - of course he knew where it was, right off the bat. As a side note: who places the cup downstairs in the laundry room, on a hook- WHEN the rest of the uniform in upstairs w/ all of the pieces??? Just saying.

I pack so much crap you would think I was leaving for a week or going to feed the starving children. We make it to gymnastics and make Rylan get out his homework and the lunchable which will be his rock starr dinner - because I am Rachel ray on a shoe string.

About that time Lance shows up at gymnastics to get Rylan because football and gymnastics overlap by approx 15 minutes, and god forbid if we are EVER late for our beloved football. Lance scanns the situation at gymnastics and states 'why is Rylan doing his homework now?'
Me 'because we couldn't get it done at home. Plus he has a lunchable that he needs to eat before he starts practice.'
Lance 'You didn't get homework done, nor did you feed them dinner?' His tone is rather disgusted.

I glare at him, and with a bleacher full of soccer moms and their kids that are not flipping and flopping on the floor below I state 'well, Martha Stewart, I was not able to rock it all out today.'
He continues ' how could you not, you left before me, you had plenty of time. You know when I do this, I make dinner, feed them dinner, have all the home work done and still make all of the appts.'
Me getting rather worked up 'well, happy horse shit for you, we decided to take the slacker route today. It was a lunchable or cereal - we thought the lunchable would be the more reasonable choice.'

By this time Rylan is packing up his stuff and getting ready to go to football, mind you he has not eaten his rock starr dinner....he has decided to wait until he gets home from practice (at 8:30pm) so that way his dad can make him something. Great, now I am really the loser mom.

On their way out, I ask Lance if Pyper and I can just skip football and go straight home to get some things done. He says he would prefer if I didn't show up. That makes me laugh, at least we are on the same page here. With out missing a beat he states while you are there switch out the laundry, it is all caught up but the dryer needs to be run one last time to 'fluff' the stuff before folding. I nodd as if I understand - but secretly I HATE laundry, and I am trying to figure out a way to avoid the dryer all together. But since he did do all of the laundry this week, think I can find the time to dragg my ass down there to at least fold one load.

I get home Thursday and he has cooked a turkey - not a just a turkey and lemon, sage turkey.
Does anyone see the role reversal going on here.................

Well don't be so quick to give him kudos, at least not just yet - he won't give up his man card for a turkey and a few loads of laundry.

We end up having a heated conversation during our turkey dinner. I was angry at how 'structured' our dinners have to be. He has no mercy on Rylan, esp at dinner - no elbows on the table, no using your fingers, you need to everything (even if you really don't like it), don't chew too loud, don't chew with your mouth open. ect, ect, ect. It seems like it never stops at the dinner table. While Pyper on the other hand, flutters around like a damn butterfly on crack. She eats off my plate, uses her fingers, can sit there naked if she likes, or all dress up like a witch (which she has done this week). She does not have to eat all of her food, or any of it for that matter. She can get up whenever she wants - and she does so she can sing or dance in front of the table.
So I make a comment at how he needs to let up and 'chill out' at the table. I did not grow up with such structure, and as much I can appreciate it we need a little bit of a damn break. He informs me that he wants them to have manners. Okay, manners I get - but tonight take them and shove them. I proceed to ask him, if he things there are two different standards at our table - one for Rylan and one for Pyper.
He looks at me, matter of factly and states 'yes.'
I look at him a bit stunned and state ' why'.
He looks rather content with himself and states, 'well, Rylan is the man and he needs the most structure and Pyper is just a girl, who will be JUST a women.'
I begin to see red and envision myself crawling across the table to choke him. I continue to ask'just WHAT exactly are you trying say?'
'well, you know just that women are inferior to men - and it is okay if Pyper flutters around, but Rylan has to know the ropes.'
*Okay folks see him swiping his 1950's man card right across my face. *
I look at him like I have no idea who he is - I am livid, I am pissed.

At this point dinner is done and we about to kill each other. The kids are looking at us like we are from the WWF, with each of us in our respective corners. I am ready to put the smack down on him. We exchange a few glares and a few code words and remind him that he has been doing alot of 'womens work these days'. And lets me know that is because I do a 'crappy job at them all.' I smirk and state 'fine with me, IF u do them, gives me more time to sit and eat bon-bons.'
And with that we called it a night...............

So as the roles seem to have been reversed in my household, just know that he has his 1950's membership card in his back pocket and is not afraid to use it. As a quick reminder I let him know that I have a full membership to the biz-nitch club. I will gladly pull out my biz-nitch card and match him one to one.
*but the turkey was good and my clothes are wrinkle free - ha!*

over...

2009-10-21T10:06:00.002-05:00

Just in case you were wondering I am ready for 2009 to be OVER.
It has seemed like the year from hell.
Yes, folks...H.E.L.L

Lets run thru the short laundry list
-recession, has kicked our arse, and drained our savings.
-Rylan's surgery, need I say more. *he is a total rock starr, and we are glad it is over.
-family, friends, pressure, work ect.; my way of being generic.

Here are some most recent events that continue to support my thought that 2009 has sucked.
A week ago we got a call that Lance's mom was in the ICU - in Texas. Can we say hello emotional overdrive. We did not hope on a plan and make our way to Texas, we waded thru phone calls and updates. Well actually he took them all, and only dispensed the information after hours of prying and begging. After a week or so it has been determined that she will need oxygen on a full time basis and over all is pretty healthy. Whew!

In the back of my mind my thoughts were as follows ' this was the only year, in 8 years that we did not trek down to Texas for some sort of vacation. Hello, ONLY year...and if Lance's mom passes away and he did not get to see her, he may never forgive me.' 'But hell folks, we did not take a vacation at all, we stayed put and paid our bills. dear heavens.

Yesterday I took off work, yeah that job of mine in which I have minimal to no days - because I just started. I took one of those non-existing days and did two major things.
First I took Rylan to the ortho and after I chopped off my pinky finger and signed in blood we had his braces taken off and were issued a bright green, glow in the dark retainer. Oh, and on top of glowing in the dark it had a penguin graphic on the bottom of it. Can we say WTF.

Whatever happened to the bubblegum pink ones that they issued?? You know the plain jane ones that everyone took out at the lunch table, wrapped in their napkins and invertible threw away and had to dig thru the trash to find.
Now they have upgraded to a whole phamplet of colors and graphics that your kid gets to choose, and you owe and arm and a leg for. And they give the phamplet to the kids, no warning to the parents - i could not have asked for the plan jane one if I wanted to.
I did this before 10 am.

Right after this I dropped his butt off at school, without his new retainer. Which was a whole conversation in itself. He only has to wear it at night, so NO you are NOT taking it to school. I don't need the damn thing broken or lost before it is even 24 hours old. He was mad, I didn't care and we called it a day.

I trucked down to the hospital to be with my husband, his brother, a step sister and my FIL. My FIL was having heart surgery, but they didn't know what kind until they got in there. So one week it is my husbands mom, the next it is his father. I know it comes with the territory of having parents that are close to 80 yrs old, but that does not provide much comfort. Lance did not sleep at all Monday night - I know he was nervous about his father. As usual we did not talk about it, he never does, and since it was his emotional roller-coaster, I decided to allow him the luxury of dealing with it in his own way. Which is to ignore it, not sleep, watch crap tv and pray for the best. I made just as they were wheeling my FIL back for surgery. I met him in the hallway, kissed his cheek and gave his hand a soft squeeze.
We sat in the waiting room, looking out the window at the wonderful day and waited. We attempted to make small talk, thumb thru crappy magazines and waited for the bat-phone to ring in the corner. The call came, my FIL would be fine and they did not perform surgery. Actually, they did nothing. Which raised it own set of concerns. WTF - he just had chest pains friday and saturday. He is short of breath, his color is off - the list goes on and on.
Nothing, yes folks - that is right they ran a scope up his leg to his heart, so the flutter but did nothing. As a combined unit we were agast. My FIL was at the hospital at 9 am and sent home by 4pm. I am still a bit leary of it all, but we are just going to have to take it one day at a time.
As a side note, today marks the 2nd year anniversary of the day he lost his dear wife Nancy. The family tells us that my FIL has been wearing her sweater around the house for the last few weeks, clearly it is a womens sweater - clearly he is a man, but I assume it helps him feel close to her. Sad does not begin to describe how he feels since she died. He has prob aged a good 15 years in the two years since her death. The fact that Lance could lose both of his parents between today and next 5 years is very real and very sad. Anytime we get a phone call we are placed on alert and emotions run high.
Yesterday around 6pm we both took a moment to breath a sigh of relief, it maybe short lived, but we will take what we can get.
So yes folks, I am ready for 2009 to be over, I am ready for the news to stop talking about the flu and damn swine flu. I am ready for the recession to be over and for my husband to get back to work. I am ready to stop going to the damn orthodontist every 6 weeks and paying thru the nose - although his teeth do look 'pretty'. And damn it is only Wednesday..............who knows what else the week might bring.

sleep...

2009-10-16T10:49:00.002-05:00

Okay, as much as I hate to accept it, we are in sleep hell.
Pyper STILL does not sleep all night. She does not go to bed on her own, she falls asleep on the couch with me, then I carry her to her bed.

Before I get a bunch of emails about it all, let me just state, that I know I am an enabler.
I honestly have not worked on trying to get her to go to bed in her own bed - I just let her lay next to me on the couch until she is snoring.

She is such a touchy child, she will feel and twist my hair until her it is wound up tight and knotted up to my scalp. Once she even got her fat little sausage fingers wrapped up in my hair the tip of her finger turned blue. If she hurts me, and I ask her to keep her fingers out of my hair then she will move on to her own. Wrapping and twisting until her little eyes are closed.

Prior to bed time I am too wrapped up in wanting to lay in the couch and veg out in front of the TV that I honestly have not made putting her in her own bed a priority. I can own that one - that one is my bad. A situation that I have created and continue to enable. And before I get totally frustrated with her for not closing her eyes, there are small moments of pure glee coming out of my emotional pores. Like the moments when her chubby little cheeks are pressed next to mine, as she hugs me for the hundredth time. Or the small bird like kisses she gives these days and that soft child like voice that squeaks 'i luv u mom'. I could bottle those little moments up and sell them they are so darn cute.

But why in hells name does the child not sleep all night once she is finally snuggled in her own bed. I put in her bed, cover her up, place pillows all around her (thinking I am fooling her into believing someone is laying close to her). She will sleep soundly for a few hours, anywhere between 3 to 4 hours and then she will wake up either calling my name or be standing next to my bed with her dragon breath. These are the sleepy, gauge my eyeballs out, moments that make me freakn' crazy. The moments when I curse the child and wonder what in the hell is wrong with her. In my sleepy haze I either go crawl into her bed and allow her to pull my hairs out one by one off my head or I pick her up and place her in the middle of my bed. Either way by this time in the morning, my only goal is to keep getting sleep. Not fidget, not fight, and not talk. Girlfriend does not want to talk at 3am, no girlfriend should be sleeping and dreaming about beaches and drinks.

What I cannot determine is why the child is getting up?

Because once I am close to her she snuggles up close and goes right back to sleep.
I use to convince myself that once she was back asleep, I was going to stay awake long enough to either get back in my own bed or put her back in hers.
This never happens.

I am never coherent enough to drag my butt out of her bed - I usually find myself in her winnie the pooh room around 6am. It is either that or I wake up to her nailing Lance with her flailing arms and legs. For some reason when she is in our bed she torments Lance, he swears she is there to drive him out of his own bed with abuse. I joke that she is best birth control we could ever have.

H1N1 debate??

2009-10-13T09:28:00.005-05:00

Okay folks flu season is upon us...and the damn H1N1 is all over the place.
The flu basically sucks anyway, without this nonsense.
My work and my doctor are pushing the vaccine - I am dead set against getting it.

I have never gotten the flu shot, nor have my kids.
But on the flip side, it could kick our arse or kill my babies.

We just got a note from our football team that a kid has been diagnosed w/ the swine flu - a kid that was sickly looking during Sat's game. So in essence we have all been exposed to it and I am bit freaked out.

But not freaked out enough to shoot the crap in their arm or up their nose.
But honestly I am damn scared!
Someone throw me a bone - what are you doing in your household?
Is anyone else torn?

I met a mom during football who said her son just got over the swine flu last week - his fever was 105. OMG! 105, I almost puked right there. She said it was scary, her son lost 7 lbs - but stayed home and she managed it.
I am finding it difficult to imagine Pyper (3) or Rylan (8) with a fever of 105......
Are good eating habits, vitamins, and exercise enough to combat this flu season?
Am I risking my children by not getting them the swine flu shot?
But here is my flip side - what if the CDC comes back next year and with a statement like ' oops we are sorry the swine flu vaccine had some side effects we didn't fully test. sorry, your kids are messed up.'
Give me the scoop tell me how you are handling this in your home.
Today, I am holding steady about not getting the shot(s) for me or my kids. I pray nothing bad happens based on my decision - today, I feel it is a gamble either way.....

Childish....

2009-10-09T08:46:00.005-05:00

men...grrr.
men. or at least my husband.
The double standard that floats around my house makes me crazy, bonkers - crazy.
So this weekend I am going on a 'girls' only trip. I will be leaving Sat morning coming back Sunday. Hello, like 24 hours - no big deal. The entire week he has been making snide comments about how much I get to get out, ect.

Sure he is half ass jealous - but for REAL dude; keep it. Last night he started with the whole 'you know you are going to miss the football game.' I knodded in agreement.
then he stated 'well, what about Pyper? What am I suppose to do with her?'
My reply ' the same damn thing I would do with her at the game - watch her!'.

I have yet to tell him that I work happy hour planned for next Wed, I am not ready to catch hell for that one. I need to get thru this Sat first.
But for real, if one of his friends calls and wants him to go - he goes. No worries, no what about the kids ect. Plus in Nov he is going to leave for a few weekends to go deer hunting, which is code for drinking beer with the guys. Why - because he doesn't even own a deer rifle, he just goes to ride 4 wheelers and get the away for the weekend. No time table, no I'll be home by noon, no guilt.

So I am leaving bright and early, out of a group of 16 people I only know 3 of them - which is just the way I like it. I don't have to do anything but just be out and about, drinking some wine. I am sharing a room with a girlfriend, who is alot like me - not bs, no drama.
So tonight will be another night of nonsense with Lance, the closer it gets, the more he will pour it on. I will pack the football bag, set Pyper's clothes out (hat/gloves ect), make sure the house is clean and call it a day. I mean for real, he could do nothing for 24 hours and be fine. Get a few movies, order pizza and then I will be back.
Looking forward to a small get-a-way.........
*************************************************
Here's the other thing that really burns my arse. He was off for a few weeks, and during those weeks he decided to fix a crack in our ceiling. Well, I came one day to find the ceiling fix (yeah), but he had gotten carried away at attempted to fix every small inperfection on every wall on my top floor. Every wall on my top floor has a big white spot of spackel on it - omg. He started painting one of the 6 walls that now need to be re-painted. Last weekend I said to him let's work on this a few hours on Sunday. His response ' not with the kids home.' I looked at him sideways ' when do you think we are going to get this done? The kids are always home.' He just shrugged his shoulders and responded ' I guess the next time I have a few days off.'' OMG.

In my mind we could spend an hour or two each night getting some of this done, and as far as the kids go - hell, let them help. They will get bored and find something else to do in less than 5 minutes. So two years ago he laid me a wood floor - looks beautiful. However he never laid the trip, he was waiting to paint. So now I have spackeled walls and no trip. He is known to start projects and NEVER get them done - it drives me bonkers. bonkers!

waiting

2009-10-08T09:03:00.004-05:00

I have been absent lately, and not from lack of things to say, just a lack of how to say it all - and it not come back to either bite me in the arse, or regret how I decided to communicate it all.

I am waiting for all of the muck to work its way out of my head, waiting for a little relief, waiting for the full moon that seems to have driven everyone out of their 'effing mind to get back to half cocked rather than full.

It seems like the tides, currents and moon have all aliened to throw me curve ball, after curve ball and it has frankly sucked. I feel like a i am walking around with a damn target on my head, and both of my middle fingers are in the up-right position. Because these days I frankly don't care. Folks, that is bad place to be......

I am not one that 'waits' well. I am normally a fixer, normally gett-er done kind of person. But some of the issues are not mine to fix, others came out of the blue because people are CRAZY. (reminds me of that song 'god is great, beer is good and people are CRAZY - that seems to be my theme song these days).
End result is that I have brought it all home and now Lance either has to wade thru the muck with me or put some distance between us. He has decided to put some distance between us, because recently I have been a damn basket case.

So in an effort not to torment my family I went to see my doctor. I broke down, admitted my inability to process it all, fix it all, and not be overwhelmed by it all and was once again prescribed the dreaded little blue pill. That was earlier this week, I am waiting for the little blue pill to kick in and give a happy medium gauge -rather than the raging idiot one I have been on.

I am sad beyond word about some of the most recent events surrounding my life, things I have decided not to blog about, for fear of it being misconstrued. Secondly, I don't want to deal with the bs that follows a post that encompasses real, raw honestly. I have had enough bs recently that I will be full for the next 3 mths.

In my absence from blogging here a few things that have sent my emotions reeling: My aunt was diagnosed with cancer, they got it, BUT what a scare. It made my heart heavy, and it was my first close exposure to cancer. Sort of rocked my world a bit. My SIL has come at me with guns a blazing, which is weird because I have nothing to do with her g00d, bad or indifferent. I am going to leave it at that. My father is not recovering well from his motorcycle accident this past july. My sister is going thru alot right now, and I spend my time praying she makes good decisions. Then there is Lance who is weird at the moment, and I have been too wrapped up in drama and work to really get the root of his stuff. But what I do know is we are off kilter, out of sync and slightly distant. Work is still a learning curve, which frankly pisses me off, plus it has required a LOT of nightly meetings which puts a bit of stress on my home life.

Oh and one more thing, I called my mother a few days ago, in the middle of the night - sobbing. Hello folks, my mother. You know you have hit rock bottom when you make that leap, make that phone call and cannot wade thru all of the muck in your head. I went to bed, started sobbing - overwhelmed. Lance and I tired to talk - not much success. Then i called my mother, knowing she was asleep, it was late - but i needed too. Hello, earth to Michelle ' the mother ship is going to take you away'. Clear signs I am a basket case. Not to mention the sobbing that spewed from my eyes and the snot from my nose that night. OMG. She answers the phone clearly sleeping and I am squeaking thru the sobbs - for real you would have thought something was really wrong or that someone had died. Nope, just me losing my mind. I'll take one ticket to crazyville. Once she realizes that it is me and that everyone is okay, she humored me and stayed on the phone. Spewing words of wisdom wrapped up in her own version of nonsense - which we all luv. And occasionally losing track and she would speak to the mouse that was running across her floor. Yes, folks we are all easily distracted.

I am too the point where I either want to drink my lunch, punch every other person in the face (because stupidity drives me crazy) or gauge their eyeballs out and eat the gooy insides.

Lastly, because I am into self humiliation. I forgot to pay my phone bill for two months in a row. Who does that??? I manage over 20 million at work, pay alot of bills and work thru a lot of financials and I forget to pay my own damn phone bill? Not just once, but twice......I swear I just overlooked it all. I feel like I sink to the bottom, bob back up take a breath and then start sinking again. The small spot of light is not sunshine, but a spot light from the guy giggn' frogs and he is ready to spike me in the eyeball at any moment.

i play, that was drama filled.....I know.

THERE are some positives and I can embrace those to the end. my kids.
the best thing I have going - work, family, money and worries all go away with the smile of my darn kids. Thank god he gave them to me or I would be in worse shape than I am now. We survived a summer of surgery, unemployment and ups & downs. We will survive this bump in the road too, I am just ready for things to smooth out - just bit.

So I am waiting, for the tides to turn, moon to re-align and my head to be less hazy........any day now would be great..

Just another day ?

2009-09-23T19:41:00.004-05:00

nine years ago today, I went thru my morning as if it was just another day.
I remember attending class, it was a Saturday class and I had a final.
Lance and I were living in an apt in Webster Groves, and by the time I had made it home he was gone.

Growing up, I never wanted to be a princess, or get married and have a big wedding w/ all that stuff. I never really thought about the white picket fence, or if I did - I imagined the fence on fire. (ha!). I just was not that girl. I never really pictured myself with children, actually the thought of having a child terrified me. I could barely wipe my own a*s, how was I going to really take care of anyone else?? So the thought of having an actual wedding day left me a bit perplexed. It left me not really sure what to do with myself.

I was determined to take a bath, relax and enjoy being alone. I was going to enjoy being Michelle Bates for one last moment. I didn't have any real second thoughts about becoming Mrs. DePew later that afternoon, but I wasn't sure I was completely done being Ms. Bates. I luv'd my life, luv'd my then job, and was living life like a rock starr. I made my own money, got to travel and had a boyfriend that I totally dug. Plus during that time he traveled too, so when we final got to see each other we were super happy to be together. He was gone alot, on the road so it felt like one big date night all the time. The screeching halt came when the prego stick had two lines, he jumped for joy and I hesitated. Whoa mama.

So we jumped in with both feet, not completely unaware of who we were or what each of us stood for, there were no real surprises.

I take that back, there have been a few surprises.
Having Rylan sent us into a whirlwind, we were both rallying to keep some resemblance of our 'old' life. We had to muck thru that for awhile. Then buying a house and a car, like real adults. Then the idea of having a second child. Well, it was always his idea, but it took alot of coaxing for me. We have had good times and bad in our last 9 years.
More good than bad, I think.......no, I am sure.

That day I remember not being nervous, I remember nothing being conventional about the whole ordeal. I gave everyone a 3 week notice and by the time I informed my family (aka my mom), I had already booked the church, hired the singer, picked the date and gotten rings.
No amount of crying or whining on my mothers part would change the dynamics of the soon to be wedding. Well, one topic I did give in on was getting my own dress. In the beginning I was determined to just wear my sisters. The reality of it was, I was just going thru w/ the church gig to keep my mother semi-pacified. But in hind site I am glad we did have a church wedding.
And now that my sister has 3 girls and I have 1 perhaps we both needed our own dress as well. (yes, that is my small way of telling my mother she was right *cring*).

As much as i hated it at the time, 9 years later I look back on that day and I smile.
My father got to walk me down the isle, my mother got to cry in public (ha!), my family surrounded us in support in luv and we have plenty of memories to share with my children.

Today we spent our evening talking about our day, cooking dinner and hanging out with our children. If you would have told me that 9 years ago, this would be life, I would have laughed. Prob. out loud and hard - big o'laugh. But today, it seems natural, it seems comforable, safe and secure. Being married to someone that you still dig and luv takes some work, but for the most part it comes together like a zipper, one notch at a time, but seamless and tight The zipper that holds together the memories of our life, the fabric of our being.

Nine year ago today I said 'I do' to becoming Mrs. DePew. It is one of the best choices I have ever made. So for you, it may have been just another day - but today was my Anniversary..
The day I gave up being Ms. Bates and became Mrs. DePew. If I had to give up my madien name and my old life, then I guess this gig is not too bad.........nope, not to shabby at all. It is a work in progress, we take it one day at a time. Praying for a life time of love and happiness. Praying that the good days get us through the bad.

Old enough?

2009-09-16T09:47:00.002-05:00

My 8 yr old has an email account...
My 8 yr old has decided he wants long hair (like Jeff Hardy - the wrestler).

This has me wondering who is really running things - apparently not me :).
I review his email, see who and what is going on. You like a concerned, engaged parent should do. But I must admit - I find it odd. He was even IM'ing the other night w/ the neighbor girl.
So as he sits in his boxers typing with his little 8 yr old fingers, I envision him being 15. Not wanting me to look over his shoulder, not wanting to share his emails with me. I am a bit horrified, so I soak up these moments when he thinks I am okay to see HIS stuff.

BTW - he keeps asking for a damn phone. Why? Who in the hell is he going to call. I am adamant about not getting him a phone. Well, that was until Lance took him to the Savis center last month and left Rylan and another kid in their seats while he went to smoke. While Lance was gone some drunk guy sat next to him and started eating his popcorn. The guy was still there when Lance got back and boys had moved two rows behind the guy - they were afraid. It times like this, when I wish I had given him a phone.

Okay moving on - Long hair. It has been my experience that every boy goes thru this stage. I saw it with my husband, with my brother and even once w/ my dad (that makes me giggle). But at 8 - ugh. There is this wrestler w/ REALLY long hair, that Rylan luv's. So now he has decided that he is NOT going to get a hair cut.
How do I go from a Mohawk, which entails alot of hair cuts - to not wanting to get one at all??
Rylan has football photo's this weekend and I told him last night ' you need a hair cut'.
His response 'no.'
I shot him a look and said 'yes.'
He was just as strong back to me 'No.'
I walked away and shook my head, trying to decide if this is really a fight worth fighting......
I don't know yet. I figure he may get really tired of trying to get long hair once his hair is fluffy, I may just wait him out.

Request:

2009-09-15T08:52:00.004-05:00

So folks do me a favor, and don't read this blog if you find it to be full of drama, exaggerations or anything in between.

If you find it not be to YOUR specifications than I recommend the following:
1) start your own - you may find it therapeutic
2) get a life, and realize I use this avenue for ME - I believe I have said that a time or two.
3) don't come by - don't swing by, don't read the nonsense
4) or comment when something really does not sit well
*unless of course it is easier to grip about it but not let me know.*

I am very tired these days, in case you haven't noticed.
I am tried of the nonsense, tired of the crap.
If you have something to say to me, then do me a favor and let me know.
Write me, call me or come by.
If you think I am crap, say so.
If you were mad a month ago, then let me know a month ago - not today.

I have used this avenue to vent, but it has been so much more than that for me.
I have written to my kids, put my fears out there, and even made some very good friends.

It seems funny to me that I only hear from my family when they are upset about me writing about them - but I never hear from them if a post was good, or written from my heart about things going on in my life. I would consider that convenient.

Secondly they let me know that some of the items on the blog were inappropriate - but won't say which ones, nor do they comment when they find it. They wait, like little school kids for the right time to pounce and beat me down. classy.

I am no longer going to play it safe, for my families sake. Because in the end it does not matter. I have tried to be gentle, tried to be fair, tried to hinder my thoughts - which by the way are MINE solely. And in case you have not notice I am entitled to them, in the same manner you are.

So as you rack up your tally list of my wrong doings, just be comforted that I am fully aware of what they are, and I OWN them. The flaws you point out in me, I accept and I carry the guilt for them and I must live with them. As I get on my high horse and ride off into the sunset with my perfect little family, perfect job, and perfect little life - just know that you know nothing about me. Which is the way you prefer it. But do me a favor and don't make it up as you go along, things are not as they appear from the outside. You make and more and more clear that you are less interested in getting to know me, but don't mind taking the jab when you see the door wide open.

We have spent alot of years going thought motions, but not really getting to know each other and not really supporting each other. I luv you, I pray for you, and I miss you dearly. I am sad beyond words at the most recent chain of events, I have shed many tears - but in the same token I am not sorry for any of my actions. As we go thought the motions it becomes more and more clear how you feel about me, it just would have been nice if you could have shared those thoughts the day you had them and not during some fight.

I take ownership of my part in letting all of us get so far apart. I have 110 excuses not to make time to work on our relationship, friendship and family foundation. I am not the martyr, I have made mistakes - I have tried to learn from them. I have repeated most of them time and time again. don't paint me out to be someone I am not. As you point out my flaws, do you ever take the time to remember any of the good? Or is our relationship so tainted that you can wrap me up in a bow of nonsense.

I keep locked away in my heart the times we were children, the times that make me laugh and smile. The times when we did support each other, when we did lean on each other and when the walls build around us were easier to break through.

Sometimes...

2009-09-14T10:14:00.002-05:00

Sometimes being a sister is tough.
Sometimes it is hard to stand on the sidelines and keep ones mouth shut.
Sometimes you want to be so hopeful.
Sometimes you break and say harsh things.
Sometimes you place a wedge between each other you dont' know how to remove.
Sometimes you don't recognize the person you are looking at.
Sometimes your heart breaks.
Sometimes you cry.
Sometimes you miss the person standing right next to you.
Sometimes you just have to wait for time to heal.
Sometimes you pray a little harder
Sometimes I just don't understand.
Sometimes I fail at not being judgemental
Sometimes I fail.......
Sometime loving a person is not enough.
Sometimes there are just no words.

27 yrs old

2009-09-11T09:08:00.002-05:00

The things kids say:

So the other night, Rylan was asking for money to buy a DSI.

I looked at him and said 'you got any money?'
He looked shocked and replied ' no.'
I replied 'well, it looks like you will have to wait until you get a job. You still owe us for the DS we just bought from A. Misty last month.'
*mind you in order to pay off the DS, he agreed to empty the bathroom trash can, put his clothes away, and take the big trash out to the can. He is 8 - so these chores are appropriate in my mind*.

With a total serious face he looked at me and said ' you mean I have to wait until I am 27 before I can buy anything.'
I laughed out loud ' you mean you are not going to get a job until you are 27?'
Him ' well, yeah.'
Me 'um, you have another thing coming. You had better have a job and move out by 27. '
Rylan ' well, 27 is when I am suppose to be really grown up.'
Me : laughing out loud. Thinking to myself - this kid is never going to move out.
God luv him!!!

I remember the days when I thought 30 was old, well now days they think 27 is old.

Shop locally

2009-09-09T16:03:00.000-05:00

Okay, did anyone esle get this----?

Hi Michelle –

I just wanted to follow up re: this Buy Local St. Louis initiative I sent you an email about last week. As I mentioned, shopping locally can have an enduring economic impact, which is why Contribute 2009 challenges individuals to spend $50 at a local small business on or around Oct. 12.

I’m hoping you’ll be able to share the message of Contribute with your “Working Mother of Two” readers, perhaps by suggesting they spend $50 at a locally owned St. Louis business. For more info about Contribute, check out this CNBC story and contact me at 216.298.4676 or via email, mkoski@edwardhoward.com. To take the pledge to spend $50 locally, visit www.scentsycontribute.org.

Thanks-
Melissa

MELISSA KOSKI
mkoski@edwardhoward.com
OFFICE 216.781.2400DIRECT 216.298.4676

Shop Locally:

2009-09-09T16:00:00.003-05:00

I received this today - so I thought I would pass it on.
As a side-barr - we always try to shop locally. We luv the local (Soulard) farmer mkt, our fav pharmacy is the local mom and pop shop at the top of our hill. Both of my parents own a business, I understand and respect the purpose and drive to shop and use local services.
Good luck and enjoy. * I will try to post tomorrow- so much to say, so little time in the day*

Hi Michelle –

I just wanted to follow up re: this Buy Local St. Louis initiative I sent you an email about last week. As I mentioned, shopping locally can have an enduring economic impact, which is why Contribute 2009 challenges individuals to spend $50 at a local small business on or around Oct. 12.

I’m hoping you’ll be able to share the message of Contribute with your “Working Mother of Two” readers, perhaps by suggesting they spend $50 at a locally owned St. Louis business. For more info about Contribute, check out this CNBC story and contact me at 216.298.4676 or via email, mkoski@edwardhoward.com.
To take the pledge to spend $50 locally, visit www.scentsycontribute.org.

Thanks-
Melissa

MELISSA KOSKI
mkoski@edwardhoward.com
OFFICE 216.781.2400
DIRECT 216.298.4676

Football family ?

2009-08-24T13:35:00.003-05:00

This past weekend, we attended a lovely football gathering held by our football coaches. In an effort to get to know everyone, they took a photo of each family and posted on their website. Here is our family in all of our glory.

Yes, Pyper is wearing swim goggles - because just like her mother, she listens to the beat of her OWN drum. It was a nice picnic at Arnold park, and we finally felt like part of team. The coaches are doing a really good job at building moral, involving the family and dealing with the boys. There are 21 boys on the team, and after this day, we all felt a little closer to the cause and a little more involved.

To say that it was nice would be an understatement. The picnic was from 3 to 5 - we were there from 2 to 8:30pm.
Perhaps we are a football family..............I feel my heart swaying.
Time will tell.

Another day, another grade higher......

2009-08-20T12:00:00.007-05:00

Dear world,

Today I present to you a smiling, humble, shy and sometimes sassy 8 year old.

Each year he becomes more and more confident, and comfortable in his own skin. It is hard for me to imagine that together Lance and I have done this good, so far.

As we begin to step foot into the 3rd grade, I take time to reflect on the last year.

Rylan has had a few trials over the summer and he has rocked them out like a true rock starr. He continues to grow in leaps in bounds, bounce back from surgery, and take his family dysfunction in stride.

His dad becomes his shining light and center for direction more and more each day. *which is a scary thought at times*. As Rylan looks more to his dad, he relies less and less on me. Sure he may need the occasional hug or two, but not alot. He walks around with half my heart as he continues to enter the big world. Him and his dad are bonding over sports, tv, fishing and general boy stuff - like farting. Gone are the days of bottles, baby baths, chubbers, and some good ol' snuggling.

These elements have been replaced with a shy smile, an intense giggle, a heart of gold and a hit of sass.

As we enter the third grade I cringe at how fast the days have gone by, but glow with pride as I watch him wipe my kiss off his lips and hop thru the school doors. He was upset that I drove him to school, he really wanted to ride the bus. But he humored me and let me drive him, much to his displeasure. I figure this is my last year of getting to drop him off and even getting a kiss out of the deal.

As we sit in the drop off line, I make small talk. He admits that he is 'nervous'. That makes me smile. How big he is to understand the emotions that comes with nerves. I tap his hand and tell him it will all be okay, he smiles and nodds - as if already knows that.

So dear world, as you welcome my 8 year old son into the 3rd grade world I implore you to take good care of him. Don't make his heart hard with mean kids, hurtful words, or hard times. Keep his eyes shinning and his smile across his face, these attributes light up my day.

These attributes remind me that I continue to do a good job. Remind him to be nice to others, don't always follow the crowd, and that it is okay to be sad at times. Don't steal his confidence, it has been building over a period of time, but can be brought down in one fail swoop. He is a genetic combo of his father and I so, just take that into consideration as he begins this learning curve.

May he continue to luv his sister with no boundaries, and know that it is okay if he teases her but be fierce when protecting her from others.

Please send him home to me each day with a great story, a happy heart and good friends. These are the years in which he is building a foundation that will support him for a life time.

We are excited for another year of football, learning and struggles.

So dear world.........take care of my son. Love always his mother.

Wonder....

2009-08-17T22:13:00.003-05:00

Ever wonder why we keep on making the same mistake?
Like recently when I took Lance to a work function last week and once again he acted a fool.
Deep down I knew better than to ask him, let alone bring him.
So grab your best cup of joe, or your fav' beer and take a moment to thank god you are not me.
I get tickets from a work consultant to a luxury suite at a recent cardinal game.
*for the record I am not a game girl - I don't drink beer, I get bored, and the seats hurt my butt after too long. As a rule of thumb I just don't go. Lance and Rylan go to at least 3 games a year. Lance is a game freak, he prob goes closer to 5 or 6 times a year w/ friends. *
So I get the kids arrangements made, get home from work early and mind you I have to work the next day. The game is a Wed night game, and my butt has to be to work on Thurs for a 7 am staff meeting. I already want to gauge my eyeballs out, I HATE 7 am staff meetings - who does that shit?
So we go to the game, there are alot of older people in their sports jackets and dockers. um, not us - no Lance wears his hat, flip-flops and cardinals t-shirt. I wear some jeans and a t-shirt.
Fine, no big deal........It is a cardinals game.
Lance starts drinking the free beer, but does not eat the free food. He does not want to kill the mood. By 2nd ing he is whistling from the back row and yelling towards the field in the back of this old couples head. You can seem the physically flinch every time he stands up. I walk over and calmly tap his shoulder, and ask him to tone it down a notch. He listens for like a mil-second. He lets me know we are at the game and 'they' need to get over it.
Then I see him wander back to get a beer out of the fridge, then he never comes back. He is in the back talking w/ a group of guys. My radar goes off, I start eyeballing him and a lady waves me off. The lady, who knows I am worried about Lance lets me know the guys he is talking too are ' guys - guys' and I have nothing to worry about.
WRONG.
I half smile at her, but know in the back of my head this night is gonna suck.
I pull up a seat on the other side of the barr next to this big guy. He leans over to me and laughs and says ' this is too easy, Lance is just walking around w/ a target on his head. Watch this one.'
The guys says' hey Lance.'
'What 'Lance replies
What do you get when you cross a Mexican and an Asian worker?
Lance looks at the guys sideways, the big guys states ' a local 1 union worker' then he erupts in laughter.
Lance on the other hand erupted in a long string of foul words.
I hang my head low, shake it and hold up my hand in a motion for him to take it down a notch. cool off and perhaps stop drinking.
Just about this time a cute little 24 yr old girl hops around to Lance's side of the barr to get a beer too. *mind you she works for the company that invited us*
She bends down to get a beer and all guys immed look at her arse.
Lance acts as if he is going to slap it.
I shake my head and state 'don't you dare'.
The big guy next to me says ' i DARE you.'
Lance takes a moment then the big guys sees Lance hesitate then he states 'You are a big chicken, you don't have it in you.'
Right then Lance slapped this girl on the butt.
OMG.
On top of slapping her on the butt he comments on what a nice butt she has and thinks maybe he should feel it again.
She immed. get her beer and gets the hell out of dodge.
The entire group of guys are laughing, I am humiliated and mortified.
MORTIFIED.
I make Lance apologize and he does a half ass apology. You know the one, where you make them. He has some stupid sheepish grin on his face and attempts an i'm sorry.
I find the girl outside and apologize a few other times, feeling like a dumb ass.
I go back to get Lance stating how inappropriate it was to play grab ass at a work function, let alone to play grab-ass in general. He states, ' I had too, they dared me.'
*they are really all 12*
They DARED you, dear god, like I give a rats ass.
Then he goes on, 'besides the dare Michelle, she asked for it. I mean for real she bent over right in front of me, '
At this moment I walked away. Mortified, humiliated and trying to figure out how to save face tomorrow with the consultant. Anyone have a local husband or brother I can take to work functions, because Lance is officially NEVER allowed to attend another one.

smile.......

2009-08-12T14:53:00.009-05:00

reminding myself to breath and not miss the moments- they are growing up so darn fast!!

times are tough.

2009-08-10T10:56:00.002-05:00

Thank you to bun and Farrell for the response............
Farrell for the record I would luv lunch or happy hour.
I know we keep talking about it we just never seem to get there - I 'think' I am really close to your work these days. We should plan on it in the near future.
Bun - I may need an apt. ; I don't have the link - if you send it that might be good.

The weekend was good. I kept my sisters kids Sat into Sunday early afternoon. I took them to the pool for a few hours. I swear I looked like I was running a darn day-care. It was fun non the less. We got milk-shakes afterwards, ordered pizza then settled in to watch Icarly. My soul needed some down time with the 'small fries.'
Sunday my sister took all the kids home w/ her for a few hours, and Lance left to go brew beer w/ a friend. Bottom line, I was home alone for part of the day. I spent most of it being rather productive....I cleaned out Rylan's closet, got him ready for school. That my friends was quite the chore, but what a relief now that it is done. On the flip side, we will need winter clothes.

Lance has been home for the last few weeks, I think in the last 6 weeks he has worked one 40 week. This is putting a strain on the overall system of my household. Not to mention his attitude. I have him working on a long honey-do list, but most of this requires him spending money as well. *grrrr, such a double edge sword*
Here is what also really burns my a*s. He needs to apply for unemployment, that folks would bridge the gap between my paycheck. He keeps acting like he will, but he has not.
I keep trying to tell him that it is necessary, he acts like he gets it - but once I leave for work there is NO follow-thru. Plus as a added bonus the union will provide a supplement as well. Which could also help. We are not totally down and out, but making ends meeting is a bit tough. A few phone calls and a few pages of paperwork and he could be contributing to the cause.
I know people fight over alot of things, and money is prob at the top.
i guess my issue is, if he knows it is available to him and we in essence need it - why is he not getting it done?
Pride?
Today I mailed a voided check to the unemployment office on his behalf - even with that it takes two weeks to process. Then he must submit his check stub - or lack there of. When you have zero hours, you don't get a stub. Such a vicious cycle.
I know tough times are hitting alot of people, and I am grateful for my job and its security. I am grateful that I can meet majority of my big bills - we are not going to lose our home or anything else.
But with each week that goes by I lose a little bit more of my husband, who takes great pride in getting up and going to work everyday. He also got alot of joy in bringing home a paycheck. It takes a toll on a person when work and money are taken a way - even for a short period of time.
I know his boss is working diligently to find work, this is not his weight to carry. Time are tough everywhere. And that statement is true for my little world.
On the flip side his being home has made him available for the kids a bit more. Trying to find the siliver lining folks......it has to be here somewhere.

Stalling

2009-08-05T13:18:00.002-05:00

I have been avoiding this blog thing for awhile now - maybe a week or so.
I have alot to say, but have learned over the last year or two that it is not always ideal to place ALL of my thoughts on this site.
I would like to think that I use this site as my own personal 'bitch session' but the reality of it is - I have avoided the 'bitch session' aspect of it completely.
For several reasons -
1) Afraid that once I put my emotions out there (here), I will never be able to take them back. And, well hell, that is not good. I am the type of person that needs to vent, be ugly, think I am right and then sleep on it. The problem with posting my emotions --well, by the time I have worked them and changed direction. I have already done some damage that I didn't really mean to do.
*this folks has been a hard lesson to learn.*

I have put things out here before that I stand by for the moment they were put out there, but hurt people in the process. And suddenly I am sorry beyond words and cannot fix it.

Bottom line, my head is mucked up with a bunch of BS that has me scrabbling at the moment. And I am half irked that I have to stifle it all. Irked would be putting it lightly.

Part of me needs advice, part of me needs to get it off my chest, and part of me REALLY wants to vent. Any advice for that damn issue?

Question:
If you have an issue w/ a friend or family member do you lay it all out here?
*Experience has told me no. *

There have been several conversations over the last few months where either a friend or family member has said to me ' Michelle, please dont' blog about this.' um. Some of the situations, I would have NEVER put out here to begin with - which makes me wish people would give me a little credit. Although on the flip side they really are trying to protect me (I think).

I hope to post photos of Pyper in Rylan in the near future; prob as a filler - until I can wade thru the muck in my head.

I HATE a mucky head, it sucks!

Football -

2009-07-29T15:59:00.002-05:00

Football season has started again, and I already HATE it.

Okay folks here's the deal - lance lied.
Bottom line - big fat lire actually he is a big fat lire that grins from ear to ear about it.
Yeap, that makes me want to jump up and punch him in the face - color me a grown up (ha!).

So here's the skinny - Rylan has one more week until he is officially off doctors orders, until he has hit his 6 week full recovery period. Which 'should' mean NO tackling in football. Actually this is what WE agreed upon. No tackeling until after 6 weeks.

IF - Rylan decided he wanted to play football again this year, then he could run and work-out with the kids; BUT no hitting until the end of 6 weeks.
*all pretty reasonable if you ask me.*
Well, last night is draft night and equipment night.
Lance tells me I don't really need to show-up; him and Rylan will go.
I think to myself - 'how nice of him.' *now I know better*. Secondly, I didn't really want to go -because I went straight from work to gymnastics w/ Pyper until 6pm.
I decided to stop by football practice, just to check it out.
Mind you I am still in my dress, heels, pearl necklace etc. Which is code for 'freakn miserable' because I still have my work clothes on.
I pull into the football parking lot and it is packed. No parking anywhere - people have parked up in the grass, created their own spots ect. I drive in circles and finally find a spot.
So, Pyper and I arrive ; her in her gymnastics uniform and me in my work attire. To say that we stuck out like a sore thumb would be putting it lightly. What the hell ever - I am use to sticking out a bit.
I find Lance on the sidelines w/ a cig hanging out of his mouth. His mouth is wide open and he is yelling at Rylan to run. I want to punch him in the face, I think 'for gosh sakes leave the darn kid alone'.
I get into Lance's view and his face drops. um, I thought.
I sit and watch the drills, no big deal. I decide I am going to leave, I am tired of being in my work clothes and things look fine. Then the teams switch into a new drill.
The hitting drill. I look at Lance and state ' he cannot do this one, we discussed this.'
He ignores me.
I say it louder ' HE CANNOT DO THIS ONE, go speak to the coach'
He ignores me.
By now they have started the drill and Rylan and this other kids are hitting each other. I feel myself puke a little in my mouth, my face is white, and I have grabbed Lance's shirt. Rylan does the drill then walks to the back of the line, unknowing that I am freaking out. Lance looks at me and smiles. I state 'if he gets hurt and has to have surgery again, I will NEVER forgive you. NEVER. And you lied.'

Rylan finished the practice, he came up for a drink twice - he said he was fine. And Lance smiled the whole time. I envisioned myself wiping the smile off his face then rubbing his face in the grass. *grow-up I know.*

I am so angry. I cannot see straight.
Tonight is another night of football practice, I suspect the same situation.
As you read this you may ask - 'why didn't I just go to the coach myself. Why did I just sit on the sidelines.'
Truth ' I thought Lance had already had the talk with the coach, we had an understanding.'
Secondly, by the time he was hitting I was too sick to move, and ashamed that I even let it happen. I envisioned myself sassing down the field in my work clothes, speaking w/ the coach and Rylan being mortified. So in an act of cowardliness I sat on it, and waited.

I trust that he truly is okay, but I would have preferred to have waited just one more week for full recovery.
In case I never said it - I hate football.

When -

2009-07-27T11:11:00.004-05:00

When does it stop?

-When do we stop thinking we are not enough?
-When do we stop thinking we cannot meet society standards?
- When do we stop trying so hard to be someone else?

-Why are we just not enough?
Not enough time, not enough money.

Not enough luv'?

This weekend a friend of ours (not really close) was found dead in his garage.
In an effort to maintain some level of compassion for this man, I will not spill the gory details - but the death was intentional. It is sad, it is tragic and surreal.

I feel like I am in the twilight zone. I feel like the neighborhood where this family lives is drinking toxic cool-aid from the same drinking well.

Is it a sign of the recession? Or just reality catching up with people? Is it a list of bad decisions catching up with an individual that they wake up disgusted by the person they see in the mirror?

The small block along the lane in this subdivision is falling apart at the seams, even before this tragic accident. The man and his wife were having issues, they were splitting up. With three kids involved it become very complicated. He did afew bad things, she had enough. I liked them both as people - enough said. I would have never pegged them for extreme choices.

Across the street is a home where approx a year ago, the young women in the house also lost her husband - in a tragic accident. My sister found this man dead at the bottom of a hill. And still deals with the pain and emotion that surrounds finding someone dead and losing a good friend.

In some strange god like way, these two women whom have lost their husbands end up in a 2 hr car ride together over the weekend. I say strange, because in the natural way of the world, they would never cross paths - let alone end up a car ride together. I pray the find comfort in each other and might be surprised by a friendship.

How strange it is that it takes something so tragic for you to find out who your good friends are. Or that you find friends you didn't even know you had.

My sister has been dedicated to keeping the women company, she has not left this ladies house for the last two days. My sister has been her rock in these tragic times. Last year my sister found her best friends husband dead, this tragic loss cannot be easier on her either. My heart aches for her at the moment. My sister has been the rock, for two women who have lost their husbands. My sister has been the source of comfort and support and has had to see things and do things that will haunt her forever. I pray she is strong enough to process it all. I am not sure I could be, but I guess in these situations you have to be. We are the women, and we are always finding strenght we never knew we had.

I am doing what I can from a distance. I have brought food, stayed 4 to 6 hours at the ladies house trying to keep them all company. Sometimes just having someone around is a good source of comfort. My mother is also helping from a distance, the best way a mother can. Yesterday she took my sisters kids and my kids to the country for afew days so we would have the flexibility to stay with this women and attempt to help her sort thru this mess and tragedy.

Yesterday, as I field phone calls from family, friends and the funeral home I find myself in auto mode. Trying to protect the lady who is sleeping for the first time since she arrived home. I find myself talking about cremation, about a guy, I expect to walk thru the door any moment.

We find ourselves going thru his packed van - he was leaving on Monday to start his new life. We find HIS stuff and I am almost afriad to touch it. The feeling of wanting to puke never leaves. The feeling of wanting to cry is never very far away.

I look around the room last night and this is the mental picture.
Me - wondering why am I here. Then I see my sister across the room, dead tired in the arm chair staying put to support her friend. I then see the women who just lost her husband and is left behind to pick up the pieces for herself and her 3 kids. I think 'god help her' and say a small prayer.
My second thought is I need to see my own husband because the thought of living a life without him saddens me beyond words. This drives home the fact that we never know what tomorrow might bring, so live today like it maybe your last.
Then I see one more person - my sisters other friend who a year ago lost her husband. Then I remember why this seems a bit familiar to me. I have been here before - about a year ago. Hanging on the outskirts of a neighborhood tragedy. These ladies will need each other and may be surprised to find how much they have in common. They may also be surprised at how much people really do care, and where their true friends are. There maybe some good things to come out of this, but they maybe blinded by tears at the moment too see it.
I feel helpless and at a loss.............

But I did go home last night determined to fight a little hard at keeping my marriage strong, and letting lance know that no matter what happens I don't ever want to this without him. Her tragedy pushes me a bit closer to loving my husband and for that I thank her.

It has also made me realize how strong my sister really is, and how much hurt her heart has seen and carried recently. Some of the tears I cry these days are for her, but in return I feel joy for the women she is becoming right before our eyes. As I told the ladies yesterday about my sister and I quote " She is RockStarr. We luv to hate her, and her attitude sucks - but she is good to the core, and the best friend anyone could have.' If you are luck enough to have seen a glimpse of her for real, you will be surprised, amazed and in luv with her. She does not let anyone 'in' - but when she does you are there for life.

Please keep all of these ladies in your prayers - they each have a heavy burden to carry. I hope they realize:
When to cry on the shoulder of a good friend
When to share a glass of wine and a good story with a good friend
When enough is really enough
When all of it really does not matter........keep the money, fortune and fame. Give me good friends and family.

Scarr

2009-07-20T18:07:00.003-05:00

Today we went to our 3 week check up at Children's Hospital.
We were cleared for everything.
He can have chips - as long as he puts them in the back of his mouth. We must still avoid utilizing our front teeth too much. However the bone graph seems to be a success - the doctor even feel the bone in his gum line.

Two days ago the tape on his hip came off. The tap was attached to the surgery site. Apparently it is some new fancy tape that NEVER has to be changed. It was attached to the stitches, and once the site was healed it came off. It was water proof and everything.

Under the small strip of tape is a scarr. If I get enough courage, I will take a photo of it.
But for right now seeing the scarr makes me want to throw up. Makes me want to cry.
I put on a strong smile when I look at it for Rylan, but it symbolizes so much in my mind.
For one, that is where they cut him open. That is where they physically hurt him on purpose - the purpose was to cut to the bone, open his bone and dig out the marrow. *cringe, cringe, cringe*
The reality of it hurts my heart.

As a mother that carried him for 9 mths and has luv'd him since I saw him rolling around in the ultrasound, the scarr reminds me of my failures. Reminds me that as normal as he may look - he is cleft. And because of his cleft he was subject to such pain and now a permante scarr. I feel part responsible. I feel part ashamed, and I know I shouldn't - but I do. I would give anything to make him okay, and to ensure that he never had to be subject to another scarr.

This is scarr number 3 on his little body - two in his lip line and now one on his hip.

I pray i can keep his emotional scarrs to a minimum; but to subject him to a process that produces a scarr intentionally seems wrong to me.
I know he needed it, and I am glad we did it. But I am saddened by the constant reminder. I feel like I have failed him in some sense. I feel like I should have done better, should have protected him more. Or done crazy things like ate more fiber, folic acid etc. I guess as a parent you always play the 'what if game'. I've seen my mother do it 100 times, and when she does it I think she is crazy. But today, I wonder what if I had just been 'better' - would he have been okay?

He will wear his scarr like a badge of honor - and he should. He has so much to be proud of. It will remind me of this summer. The summer he was 8, and I allowed the hospital to add one more scarr to his body in hopes of keeping him 'normal'. Today, I cannot take a photo of it.
I hope to be stronger tomorrow.

Recovery going well.

2009-07-12T22:28:00.007-05:00

Upate 11 days after surgery. All is going well. Swelling has gone down, smile is back to 100% and we are happy. A photo of his gumline so you can see the stitches, a photo of his hip so you can see the surgery site. A few photos of us and him. We are happy these days and blessed.

Recovery..

2009-07-06T21:58:00.015-05:00

Our bone graph was a successful surgery - I survived (I think). I pinch myself every time I think I actually survived. We had a few snafus, but nothing we could not overcome.

To say that Rylan is a ROCK STARR would be putting it lightly. This kid totally rocks my world, and makes me re-think my thoughts on life and purpose. He does not do it on purpose, it all sort of just happens.

We WERE released within 24 hours of surgery - which floors me.

Surgery was from 12:20 to 4pm. And somewhere among it all, my mother wanted me to eat. I could barely breath - please don't make me eat. As we were called back to recovery, I noticed sticky stuff around Rylan's eyes. The nurse commented that his eyes were taped shut while the machine 'helped him breath'. *my heart skipped at beat at that moment.*

I imagine the stars lining up so that everything goes JUST right, so the kid can come out from being put under. That scares the living hell out of me. He is groggy, his voice is strained sounding - from the tube they put down his throat.

And 2 hours after surgery he is puking up his guts. The pink puke tray is filled with blood and sprite. The amount of blood, makes my skin crawl. The puking throws him into severe pain - his hip hurts, his mouth hurts and now the puking. It is almost more than I can stand.

We give him oxy-codone and Tylenol at the same time - he goes to sleep. While he is sleeping, I crawl in bed with him - being sure not to touch his hip. I lay next to him while he sleeps, I don't sleep much - for the most part I cry. Tears of joy, sadness and relief. While I cry, Lance sleeps on the other side of the room. His snoring is rather comforting, and Rylan's breath strokes my heart and reminds it to beat. I am so glad to have him back.

He wakes up at 4 am - the puking continues. And that sucks.

He is still drinking, though - so we are giving him ANYTHING he wants. I pull out the camera - I feel like I must document this adventure; even if it hurts me to the core. The moment he notices the camera he tries to smile. A small giggle escapes my mouth - that damn kid; swollen 10 times more than normal and hurts like hell and wants to smile for the camera. God bless him and his tender soul.

I take photo's to document the recovery - I feel it is important for him and the multiple families that we stay in touch with. The darn kid even gives me a thumbs up. While I am on the phone on Friday, I am telling someone about the number of times he puked thru out the night - he holds up his hands and corrects me. He lets me know he actually puked 4 times thru out the night; not just the little 3 I was explaining. Somewhere along the way early Friday morning he even found it in him to sass me - I was taken aback, and humored at the same time. I hugged Lance and we both smiled - so very glad to have him back.

They released us close to 1pm on Friday - Rylan could not even walk, nor was he keeping much down. I was half angry they let us go. I thought they were CRAZY thinking that they could send us home because he would recovery rather quickly.

Well, color me all wrong.

Friday and Friday night was still a bit of a struggle. I had to help him walk to the bathroom, and hold him as he attempted to slide each foot across the floor - picking them up was too hard. Friday was another night of hell. We bought him ensure, ice cream, apple juice, sprite, yogurt, mash potatoes. Anything soft - nonchew and filled with calories. He drank the ensure like a champ and was glad to have a soda more than once a week. His drink of choice was sprite.

I leave early on Sat to go get Pyper - this takes me 5 hours. When I left he was still in hell mode. When I got back, 5 hours later, he was walking around. I almost fell over.

WALKING AROUND. He even took a shower - by himself. He was playing his gameboy. I asked Lance if he was on his pain med's - nope. Just Tylenol. I thought it was a fluke. Rylan begged to go see the fireworks - I eventually gave in.

He walked around with a punk in his hands - dragging his right leg around so he didn't hurt his hip. And we stayed out for a couple of hours. During his 4th of July outing him and some friends put tape on his shirt. The tape was on the front with a big letter A. I asked him what that was for - he smiled and stated ' because I look like a chipmunk, and I get to be Alvin.' *see him steal my heart at that very moment. His sense of humor, and ability to take it all in stride amazes me - I have so much to learn* I expected our 4th of July outing to put him in alot of pain. I figured we over-did-it. Color me wrong again. Sunday he was even better.

He continued to laugh at himself, continued to let me take photos and continues to get better.

After Friday I never touched his pain med's again. We maybe give him a dose of Tylenol here and there - but nothing frequent.

Pyper told him, in her 3 yr old way, that he 'looked weird'. She asked him flat out 'what happened to you?' His response - 'my dad hit me' ; then he rolls laughing. *dear god*

Pyper luv's it - and has told everyone that her dad hits her and her brother. *see child services arriving any day now*. That kids has such wit, and such a good disposition - I could not be more amazed.

So, Friday night Lance and I are sitting out back while Rylan sleeps. We are reconnecting, and thanking god that Rylan is safe and sound. Me with my red wine him with his beer. We are sharing our stories of amazement, laughing and crying. Then it dawns on us 'He never asked why.' He NEVER asked why he had to have this done. Sure we talked to all the doctors, we explained the procedure - yada, yada, yada. But we never said WHY. And he never asked. *damn he is a trusting soul, I can only hope we don't disappoint*

So on Sunday night, around the dinner table - I asked him. 'Do you know why we had this surgery?' He states 'no.' and he shrugs his shoulders, in a whatever manner. We explain that this is to help with jaw growth, and for future teeth - in an effort to keep him looking normal as he grows. He laughs, smiles and said ' well thank god they didn't take bone from my butt, otherwise I would be kissing my butt all the time.' And with that we laughed until we cried and we moved on.

This child is amazing. I know he is mine and I AM biased. But I will not keep him forever, I will share him and his wonderful attitude with anyone who will listen. He truly is one of a kind. Most of his qualities of kindness, humor and willingness to accept the unknown does not come from me or his father. I pray we pay enough attention to him and Pyper that we don't miss the important attributes in both of them. To say that I am amazed would be putting it lightly. I am blessed and I know it. Lance and I both agree he has a soft heart and no little guy (girl) should have to endure the operations that he has, we are so grateful for him and his sister.

Thank you for the outpour of support, prayers and well wishes. We are rockn't his out one day at a time. Today I went to work for a few hours. He asked to go see the kids - he didn't want to stay at home with me and be 'bored'. I gave him a 4 hour window. Now it is 10pm at night - his day was fine and still no pain med's. I am taking it all in stride - that is all I have these days. I am letting him lead me on this one.

He IS swallowen. He had nothing external done to his face - just internal. To graphs of bone were placed in his gumline. Each day the swelling goes down and he looks more and more like my 'fry guy'. This was taken on Saturday. I will post an updated on soon. You will be amazed.

The room

2009-07-02T07:19:00.002-05:00

It is the operating room at that hospital that freaks me out the most.

How would I know that - because I go back w/ him until he is under.

The room smells like a hospital, it is bleak and sterile.

The only splash of color are the scrubs the doctors and nurses wear. And in an effort to try to lighten the mood they put characters and colors on the scrubs. I try to imagine being 8, on a kiddie cocktail (they really call it that), and being laid on the operating table surrounded by a bunch of big heads in red caps w/ snoopy. With the kiddie cocktail surging thru your veins, he prob feels like he is tripping. I imagine it being WAY too scary. I imagine him hearing a bunch of voices talk around him, but not too him. I imagine him being terrified as they strap him down to the table and begin poking him with needles. I imagine him wishing someone was around that he knew, that could comfort him. This is why I go back. I want him to feel and hear me, even in his head. Even as he goes under. He can take the rest of it in stride -the room, the people w/ snoopy on their head, and the drugs that will begin to surge thru his body. And hopefully somewhere in it all he will find a sense to remain grounded, to hear a voice comfort and know that the hand touching him is mine.

This room scares the living hell out of me. It is the place I tell him good-bye, it is the place I leave him scrawled out on a table looking dead and helpless. It is the worst memory to keep locked away in that swirling head of mine. This is the most challenging mom moment I have, and just getting there and walking thru it takes all I have.

I can only imagine what it is like for him, and with that thought I have find the strenght o walk into and out of those doors.

Today at noon, we are the last surgery of the day.

We must be there at 10 am for prep, this includes the kiddie cocktail and then the room.

It will take anywhere between 2.5 to 4 hours - Lance likes to say 3 hours I lean closer to 4.

Really way to long for his little soul to be under. I hope he has nice thoughts, I hope he has good memories to hold on too, and I hope he knows we luv him.

Normal?

2009-06-30T08:16:00.005-05:00

The DePew family is trying to remain as normal as possible - whatever that means.
I am getting up every morning and going thru the motions - hell I even shaved today.
Along with shaving I am pasting a smile on my face and trying to keep that lump in my throat down.
We saw the orthodontist and plastic surgeon yesterday. We all listen, we nodd in agreement -that we understand, then we all paste those damn smiles on our face and we move on.
Lance and I fight over the littlest things, then 30 seconds later find each other to apologize - we know what is really going on. Lance has taken some time the last two weeks to do things w/ just Rylan. I think it has comforted both of them. Yesterday, Lance took Rylan to the orthodontist in the morning then they went to swing-around-fun town. A good memory and distraction for both of them. I see Lance reaching out a bit more, and being more tolerant these days; and for that I am grateful.
Rylan is a bit more aggressive - towards me at least; this makes me angry as a mom. But then again I understand it - so at this moment we are tolerating his need to find an outlet. As adults we have spoken in front of him, with all of the doctors - not sure if that is a good idea or bad. Not sure if he 'gets it'. But what he does get, is that HE is having surgery and with each passing day he acts out a little bit more - who could blame him.
Yesterday we were sitting at children's hospital and I was asking him if he understood - he sits there sort of blank, with a scared undertone and he has two questions.
1) Mom, will I have stitches?
2) Mom, will my face be okay?
The lump is closer to the top than ever, the tears are in the corners. The smile MUST appear and I must do this.
I answer him honestly- that is all I have.
'Baby, yes you will have stitches. Both in your hip and in your mouth.' His eyes get huge, fear is beginning to take over. I continue ' but it will be okay, you will barely even notice.'
'As far as your face goes, it will looks just the same; once the swelling goes down.' Relief washes over him.
He asked 'are u sure?'
I glance at him, trying to read his mind. Trying to imagine being 8 yrs old. Then I ask, 'Are you afraid of looking weird? Like Frankenstein?'
He glances at me, sheepishly 'yes. I don't want to be weird, mom.'
My heart leaps, and I think *I don't want you to be weird either.* But I state out loud 'you will be just fine, just like now. You will be sore, you will have stitches in your hip and your gum line.' At his point I point into his gum line so he knows it will not be on the outside of his face.
He seems comforted at this point. With what little comfort you can find sitting at Childrens Hospital.
So today is one day closer.
Here is what I know - or what I remember from the conversation with the doctor.
1) He didn't know if they were going to graph both side of his mouth or just one.
- kind of an important point at this stage in the game.
2) They will retrieve the bone marrow from the right side. Mainly because that how the surgery room is set up. At this point they are planning on retrieving a thimble size amount of marrow. Unless of course they are going to do graph both sides, then they need more.
3) Surgery could take anywhere from 1.5 to 4 hours; depending on if we are graphing one or two sides.
4) At least an overnight stay. They expect us to be released on Friday. We will see.
5) Liquid diet for 4 to 5 days. Soft foods for a couple of weeks.
6) No more swimming - or rather don't allow him to blow water, or anything else out of his mouth. It might blow the graph.
We don't have a surgery time yet, but we are hoping for early on Thursday.
The earlier the better.
A brief thank-you to my mother, sister; who are helping us by caring for Pyper during this time. It is a relief to know that she is taken care of, and we can focus on Rylan. Thank you to my parents for coming with us to surgery - I prob won't remember to thank you then.
We will try to remain normal in the mean time - whatever in the hell that means.
God bless you baby, we will get thru this one moment at a time. My heart aches that you have to go thru this, and I don't understand it all, but I am faithful - scared by faithful.

Somewhere in between

2009-06-23T19:46:00.009-05:00

I just realized that I forgot to post on father's day - which by the way I did not see my father. Yes, folks - for the record; I SUCK.

We spent all of Saturday on the river and by Sunday we were spent, no excuses -just reality.
So in an effort to not be a complete arse, I did call my dad.

Luckily enough for me, that is enough for my father. He is not a big Hallmark holiday kind of guy - as I have said before he will dazzle you with the little things so you had better be paying attention. Secondly, I am not sure that he is up to company - well company with kids. Or should I say company with kids for an extended period of time. He is still, much to his displeasure, recovering from being hit while riding his motorcycle. He luv's us and our small children, but in the same token, he does not mind luving us from afar.

Which by the way, I totally get, and for the record totally don't mind. My small twinge of guilt comes over not seeing Lance's dad for father's day. For gosh sake the man is going to 80 in July, we prob should have made more of an effort to drive our happy arses down to the country to see him. Luckily, he already had bbq plans - either that or he lied to us, so we didn't feel guilty for not coming down.

So in the mist of ditching our own fathers, we celebrated father's day at the DePew household in a mild manner. We all slept in, we all took naps, we lounged around had steak-n- crab legs, then I made a cake. For Lance, it was ideal. For my household, it was good for the soul. These days we are somewhere in between being run ragged and forcing ourselves to take some much needed down time.

I know you must be thinking, how in the hell can someone who has had three weeks off need some down time? Without going into too much I will say it is complicated. While our house hold is strong, others around us are falling apart ; plus emotionally I am a basket case. Aside from every appliance going out, my purse being stolen and the damn tree falling on our home - my nights are haunted by our pending surgery, and the struggles of my new job.

In a way I am grateful for the new job distraction - it keeps me from thinking too much about the surgery that is 9 days away. However on my way back from dropping Rylan off at day camp today, it hit me. There I was driving in the car and crying. like a freakn' baby, like someone who has raging hormones. I did this type of thing when I was prego - which by the way I am not. I am PMS'ing which might explan the ragining hormones. (maybe?). I am somewhere between being overwhelmed and grateful for the multiple distractions.

Rylan has day camp right up until his surgery date, which is next Thursday. And today Pyper took her first gymnastics class. I am running around like a damn chicken with its head cut off trying to work full time and be a mom who makes every thing - because I refuse to fail at either one. Somewhere along the line I am failing something - I mean for real, something has to give.

So I think it is my sleep. The brain does not shut off, the mind does not stop wondering about all of the what 'if's' ; it keeps haunting me with the surgery and the pending work stuff I have not gotten my head around. All of this has lead me to believe that perhaps I am an over-achiever or just glutten for punishment. I would prefer to view myself as a slacker - I like that much better, but my choices tend to lead to the other direction. Which in turn leads to my craziness.

I am greatful that Lance and I are strong, loving and healthy. At least on that front, I am not distracted - actually I am comforted. It is nice to be married to your best friend, it is nice to know that you can be yourself and it will all be okay. I am not sure if I could take the stress of us know doing well, and luckily I don't have to find out.

I am trying to get a lot done in a short amount of time, I find no comfort in that - I have to keep reminding myself that in the end it all does not matter. In the end I had better be a good wife and a mom; because nothing else matters. My children will not remember that I was the Controller, but they will remember if I didn't make it to gymnastics, and if I was not strong enough to keep it together for surgery. they will also remember how their father and I treated each other during these tense times, and lucky for us we just keep on truckn' and smiling.

Here we are last weekend at my mother's trying on wig's while everyone else is asleep.............it is Lance, me and Rachel. Thank god for spouses and best friends. These photos will make us smile for a life time. *if you ever find yourself somewhere in between, find that someone who makes it tolerable, then take a few photo's as a reminder of where you use to be. Document the journey, enjoy the ride.*

Fun n' the Sun 2009

2009-06-21T16:50:00.006-05:00

The DePew Family has been hooping it up at the river and lake lately, these are photos of some fam'damly time. The top two are from two weeks ago at Black River, and the bottom two are from this past Saturday when we spent 9 hours on the Meramac River. I know I cring when I write it - the Meramac is a dirty, trashy river - but we made the best of it by skiing, tubing, boating and hanging w/ good friends. I skiied my butt off, and luv'd every minute of it.

Rylan did the knee board and rocked the river like a champ.

It was his first time and you could see the hesitation, the fear and the anxiety starting to take over while he was in the water holding the line. I stood at the back of the boat yelling encouragements at him - yes I had to yell, so he could hear me over the boat. Then you could see it, the instant his made it - his knees were set and he was still alive and well. Then his face held the confidence every parent lives for. I cannot begin to find the words to capture the moment, but damn it was incredible. The terror was replaced with a sense of accomplishment, which was over time replaced with a sense of fun. Then he hit some choppy waves, rode them out, then he got cocky (he is his fathers son) and ended up falling off. This was his second test - yes son, you must do it again. And again he did - confidence builder #2 - he rocked the waves and I could not be more proud. After the knee board and several times of me skiing we moved on to the 3 man tube - a little more his speed. Enjoy the photos.

Handi-capped

2009-06-17T13:08:00.002-05:00

Day duex at my new digs and I am feeling extremely handicap.
Sort of swimming around in the land of the lost at the moment, hoping that I get a freakn' grip.
From an outsider looking in it seems like this dept is run in the dark ages, and the that the lady I am replacing spent a LOT OF time spinning her wheels and FORCES items to work.
That in general makes me cringe, I mean it makes my skin crawl.
I am hoping that my initial thoughts are not the case, but everything I review and touch I want to change. Normal generic things have been turned into major projects - and I am not sure why. Perhaps it was her lack of understanding about the sources of the data, therefore she did not know how to process it without tearing it apart. *just a thought*.
But something as generic as getting a revenue deposit, seems to be a big deal. That I don't understand - at all.
I don't want to show up guns-a-blazn' and change alot of things, but then again I can get the same result w/ less steps and less time. Seems like a no brainier to me - maybe?
Anyhoooo..........I am here, and apparently so is she.
Which also has its own weirdness to me. People are also confused w/ having two Controllers.
Here is the deal, her official last day was May 20th. However she is staying on payroll to 'wrap-up' a few items, which as of today are still not done. One very important item is the 2008 audit, which is due to the state by the end of the month. And she is working on a very important form for the IRS as well. Both of these documents she has taken off site and taken over.
The IT department won't create me an account or set me up until they turn her off. Which is strange to me, in my mind she is basically a consultant, not a controller. *but who the hell asked me?*
So what does one do??? Well me, being-well, me. I called her (she is on vacation this week), and got her log-in info and pswds. I need the data, I have a budget to get out and get done by August and I have NOTHING. So much to her reluctance she gave it to me. Which about pissed me off, she is technically not working - just logging hours here and there. ahem.
So, I am being productive, still under her guise - but productive none the less.
Just between you and I, I am not so sure she is going stop logging hours any time soon. Which could be a problem......just a SMALL one.
Then there is the issue w/ the software, it is messed up. She didn't trust the software, to do it's job so she forces and manually makes alot of it work. *OMG*
This is NOT necessary, this is NOT rocket science. So today I put a call into the software company. The software does not have reports set up for generic things like - chart of accounts or a balance sheet. She does the balance sheet manually.
Which might be fine (no even in a small business it is not fine!), if we did not have 7 gazillion bank accounts and 9 funds along with trying to manage 25 millon $$$.
I am not looking for the easy way out, but for real - some of this is a no brainier.
I am taking baby-steps, but the big picture keeps me up at night. I did not sleep at all last night - kept thinking about all of this crap. I am tackling one thing at a time, and holding my breath about the items that I should be getting too, and trying to imagine what I am forgetting.
But all in all I am glad to be back at work, and even happier that it is not my old crappy job w/ the city down the road.
I have plenty to share from my last week at home, we went to the wineries, the river, saw family friends and hung out.
If I am lucky I will even get some darn photo's posted.
In the mean time I am still waiting on my freakn' phone to show up from At&T. The one I lost when my purse got stolen about 1 1/2 weeks ago. grrrr. The banks still has us messed up and my gas billed did not get paid because it went to the old account, which was closed. grrrrr.
I have left Lance to deal with the insurance guy about the tree on our house - which is prob a mistake; but I refuse to deal with it. He is a sucker and we will get screwed, because he refuses to ask questions and/or challenge them. But it is his ball game, not mine.
Praying that my sister works thru her stuff. I would luv to say more, but better not. I will ask that you keep her in your prayers as she works thru this rough patch. Growing up sucks and growing up too fast can be confusing, not getting lost is a challenge.
I saw my brother over the weekend and after a few pissy moments we called a truths.
The last thing him or I both need is more drama, so we decided to just stop the madness between the two of us. color me all grown up- for a milla' second. ;)

For REAL folks...

2009-06-07T10:45:00.003-05:00

As if things could not get worse..........someone stole my purse.
SWEAR!
Okay, so I am part to blame, I did leave it in my car overnight - unlocked. My bad, totally my bad. However our subdivision is not a bad one, I have done this several times before.
The purse was in the hatch of my trailblazer, not even in plain site. They took my purse and all of my loose change, but left the GPS, the video player for the kids and the beer.
My purse was behind the beer that was left over from us hanging out w/ some friends on Friday night. I mean for real. By process of elimination I 'think' it was a bunch of kids - otherwise they would have taken the other items; which are prob worth more at a pawn shop.
I had no money in my purse - zip, zero.
But what I did have was all of our social security cards *gasp, gasp*.
Why, you may ask? I had taken them out of the safe, so I could sign my kids up for my new insurance at my new job last week. They were going back in the safe this weekend. The fact that they are out there floating makes my skin crawl, and it down right pisses me off.
I am so mad!! *part angry at my self, I was the dumba*s that left it in my car*
So now, I have no license, no checks, no debit / credit, no cell phone - GRRRRR.
I filed a police report yesterday, and contacted my bank and cell phone company.
Bottom line, this sucks along with the other list of items that have gone wrong in the last two months.
Here is a run down of things:
Fridge
Stove
TV
Tree fell on house / deck
Purse stolen out of my car while in my driveway
Yeap, I have officially met my max, I am done. Please move on to making someone else's life a living hell. I am no longer finding humor in our stuff breaking, acts of god, and my moments of stupidity leading to my life being turned upside down.
On the petty side, I just bought a new wallet at a purse party last week (Coach) and that damn thing is gone too. Mind you, I only paid $8.00 for it - but damn man. Give me a break - perhaps I should clarify before I break a bone. Please remove whatever hex is on us.
We were going to go to the horse races Sat night, well that plan was shot to hell in light of my life being stolen. It is sad to imagine that my life or some major parts of it lie in a big white bag, which contained a coach wallet and all of my stuff. How small it really makes me feel.
So as we get ready today to go to church, I find myself raiding our piggy banks so we have change for the offering. It feels low and leads to anger. Gotta run, 11am is right around the corner.

One down, one to go....

2009-06-05T13:27:00.002-05:00

Before I get into today, let me say a few bits about yesterday.
To sum it up - Yahoo!
Much to my hesitation we packed up and went to Six Flags (stl). As a sidebarr - I hate heights and rollercoasters. I am not the best person to take to Six Flags, and in my short sightedness, I thought my kids would hate it as well. Color me all wrong.
First yesterday, Pyper woke up with an ear ache - so at 8 am I am visiting the doc in the box (Walgreens) and trying to think up ways to get out of the whole trip. Lance would not hear of it, so at 10am, we packed up, grabbed two extra kids and went to the theme park. All the way I am grumbling under my breath 'why in the hell are we doing this. this sucks blah, blah'.
We drive to where the coasters are in site and Pyper forgot all about her ear and she was animated and ready to see the coasters. Needless the say we had the BEST TIME EVR'. We stayed until 7pm, we practically had to drag everyone out of there. Pyper was just tall enough to ride the log flume, thunder river and fell in luv w/ a horse on the carosole. I owe Lance an apology, which he will never get. Him and Rylan rocked every ride there at least twice and they are still smiling about the adventure even today.
*************************************************************
Which leads me into today, part of the reason we went yesterday was two fold. One Rylan got straight A's (again) and today he had part one of his prep for his bone graph. We went to the Center for Advanced Medicine and had a tooth pulled. Lance and I were going to gether - well that plann was shot all to hell when the adjustor called and said he would be at our home today between 10 and 11. Of course between 10 and 11 ; when Rylan's appt was at 10:30. So, Lance stayed home and I went to the doctor w/ Rylan.
My stomach was in knots all morning. Rylan was too busy glowing about yesterday to even give today two thoughts. That was until they stuck the damn IV in his arm. This is part about being a parent I hate the most. The part where you know that you have to subject your child to pain in order for them to strive and remain healthy / happy.
As the big tears stream down his face, and he squeezes my hand, I put on my mom face. You know the one...that one that wipes his tears, speakes softly in his ears and trys to convience him that it will all be okay. When inside, I am praying it will all be okay.

*At that moment I am cursing everyone I know for making me do this alone.*
The pressure from the band to make his blood vessel pop up is uncomfortable and he begins crying, the needle for the IV turns up his anxiety to overdrive. Once the medicine is put in the IV my child is calm and I am asked to leave the room. Every time the doctors ask me to leave the room, I have a moment of hesitation. I hesitate in an effort to take one last look and whisper one more i luv you. Then I go back to the waiting room and WAIT.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
By nature I am not a wait-er' ; I don't wait, and under circumstances where your child is in another room drugged up and having items extracted, I for real, don't wait well.
So I dig thru my purse, then start to pace. While pacing I say a few small prayers, and curse Lance for not coming with me.
Then the come to the door and summons me back - I want to run.
Rylan is drugged up and sleeping in the fetal position in the chair. My heart leaps, and I gulp back the tears. I sit next to him, while the doctor explains that all went well. He is not really waking up, he seems to want to sleep. Then I explain that we wore him out yesterday, so he is tired from Six Flags. They get us a wheel chair and I wheel him out to the car. He is drugged up. Ever tried to wheel a drugged up 8 yr old across campus to a parking garage. While in the wheel chair his teeth start to chatter and his arms start to shake. He gives the appearance of being on the verge of a seizure - this makes me sad and scared. The doctor said it is a side effect of the pain med.
I drive home in fear of my child having a seizure, and that sucks. I am on pins and needles. As the medicine wears off, I see the glimmer of my son coming back.
And now 2 hours after being home, I am glad to report that he is fine. So well, that we are now playing WWE smackdown on the Wii.
In 4 weeks we go for a bone graph, in the mean time I wear my heart on my sleeve.

Bumps in the road

2009-06-03T16:39:00.004-05:00

See the broken tree above - well that happened yesterday. I got home from work to see that the brief storm had left us a present.

The nice storm left us a broken mature tree, which decided to land on our deck, roof and gutter.

The up side to this damn thing - now I don't have to stain my deck, which I had planned to do over the next two days. Now, I will spend my time calling the insurance company, and try to get a damn adjuster at my home to assess the damage.

Hang on, because I am fully of good news - you know the kind that makes you shake your head and wonder why in hell do you really visit my blog?

Last week my father was hit while on his motorcycle. Scared the living hell out of all of us. He was stopped, making a left hand turn in to his driveway when a lady who was TEXTING hit him from the back. He saw her, he had his blinker on, he even put out his arm in a effort to make sure she saw him. Well, if her nose wasn't stuck up her text message she would have seen him and not rammed into the back of his back. We are lucky he is alive, and she can live another day knowing that she did not kill someone. Thank god Missouri requires helmets - it along w/ his leather jacket saved him.. It is a complete mind job begin hit by car - he said he could see her tire and was afraid she was going to run him over. Apparently, after reconstructing the scene my family has been told that she NEVER hit her breaks. He is banged up, bruised - but no worse for the wear. We are lucky, he is even luckier.

In true form, my father cannot wait to get another cycle and get back on the road.

God luv him and bless him. The only thing that saved his life that day was quick thinking and god. *hands down*

On a brighter note, we are taking the kids to six flags tomorrow. Today was Rylan's last day of school - he got all A's. *I am so proud* Not sure what genetic make-up he has going on, but proud none the less. Friday he is having a tooth pulled in prep for his bone graph, which will occur on July 2nd. *I am breathless thinking about it all*

In the meantime I can be distracted by the tree that has destroyed our deck, part of fence, sits on our roof and gutters. As I tell my family my latest drama they laugh - like out loud. My sister could hardly control her self. What the hell can one do, but laugh. Did I mention that the houses around our home are fine....but ours well the bad-mo-jo continues. And we stand stunned, mouths gapped open and then laugh out loud. What the hell else can one do??

At least we have a home, and thank god we have insurance. It could be worse, we keep telling ourselves...and we are sticking to that motto. Although with each incident it is harder and harder to believe.

Tomorrow should be better, folks.

Stay positive - see this is the face of a positive person.

2009-05-27T18:21:00.003-05:00

Two of my favorite reasons to take some time off!

Well that was the plan, but it did not quite work out that way......at least not today. I went to work at my NEW place for 7 hours - sort of training. I woke up this morning, took a deep breath and was actually relived that I did not have to return to my old job. I mean it felt like a big weight had been lifted, I even smiled. Which is big these days. Normally I would blame it all on PMS, which is haunting me - but not today. I did not realize what a drag my old job was, and how toxic the work place was until I didn't have to drag my happy ass there.

I am sure my new job will have its own hurdles, I will struggle in the beginning. But I am beginning to feel that the move is TOTALLY worth it.

On tuesday some of my co-workers threw me a happy hour - I did not show up. Tuesday was my last day on site, I did not want to see everyone after work. It felt pretty shitty...for like a milli second. Leaving my old job site was like breaking up with an abusive boyfriend......it was hard to leave, my emotions were raw, and some of my co-workers were taunting me - with their half-ass good wishes, and smirks. I needed a break - not a happy hour.

Plus I could not be surrounded by the long faces and emotions that people were laying on me because I was leaving and they were staying. It was emotional over-load for them.

drinking in their company would have only made it worse.

So - i stayed home, kissed my kids, had a glass of wine, began to read a book and began to let go of my old job. Once again, I related it to breaking up w/ an abusive boyfriend. Part of me wanted to call today, stop by, make sure everyone was okay. As I drove by today (my new job is just pass my old work), I flipped the old building the bird and smiled on my way to a new beginning. I have stopped the cycle for myself - but had thoughts of getting sucked back in; abuse will do that to a person.

I am officially taking the rest of the week off.....

Tomorrow is field day for the 2nd grade class, I will be there in my shorts cheering on my son, with Pyper in tow.

By noon, I will have a drink - because I CAN.

I may even take a damn nap, and I may get some sun.

Friday I will take Pyper to the pool, and get some more sun.

I have decided that times are good, I deserve this and I am going to damn well enjoy it.

I will post more photos - I have alot of time to take some.

I don't start my new job (full time) until June 16th......I plan to go in next Mon/Tues for a few more hours of cross-training; but no 40 hours.

Hello summer, hello tan, hello wine ! Hello smile - it is good to have you back!

*Thank you to Farrell* She helped me with my resume, she was a total rock starrr and I owe you a drink (or several!); now that I am off, we can do happy hour.

Cheers!

Up and over the hillside

2009-05-19T11:52:00.002-05:00

This one is going to cover a few days and a few topics -
I may seem manic at times - that is because I am, YES I am a bit manic these days.
um....where to start.

Back to the offer, then the counter offer, then the ACCEPTANCE of the job.
Yeap, I accepted the job and I plan to give two weeks notice and take an additional two weeks to hang out w/ my kids then start a new job. All very exciting and very nerve racking at the same time.

After the acceptance and a great sigh of relief, I submitted my resignation. My immediate boss read my brief resignation letter, and stated 'well, Michelle I am sure they will be a better fit for you.' um.

In the mean time everyone around me is freaked out. The lady in my office is crying, a few board members have called me crying. That is alot of emotion to handle for something that is suppose to be a positive in my life. I have gotten a ton of emails or employee visits - all wishing me the best of luck, and telling me how sad they are to see me go.

This is all fine and dandy, but it is taking an emotional toll on me. I should have quit and left, staying and listening to every one's emotions about this is a lot to take in. I greatly appreciate it, but please don't be so sad - if you too are unhappy, then take control and make the changes for yourself.

Last Friday, Lance and I had drinks with a few co-workers. The co-workers started crying about me leaving, he was baffled. And he said it best' what the hell is wrong with you guys. She is not that cool, and she is replaceable.'

That made me smile and cringe. He is so right, I am not that COOL......I took great strides in doing the right thing, and always sticking up for what was right - even when it sucked. But please don't make me out to be more than I am. I am human, and pretty much done with this place. Also pretty afraid about something new; but excited at the same time.

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In the mean time my car had to go in the shop. Have you been keeping track of my nightmare with appliances and electronics? I am in electroinic hell.
Apparently my child, the 3 yr old, put a bunch of coins in my CD player and almost caught my entire car on fire. How does one know that.....well for the last week I have been telling lance that something is wrong w/ my car. He gets in it, drives it around the block - only to let me know that it is FINE. I roll my eyes and envision myself punching him in the face. It is not fine. I grew up around cars, I know a few things - like where to put the blinker fluid (ha!).
Anyhooo.......my radio has been randomly going out lately. Over the weekend, while in the country w/ Pyper my entire dash board lit - every emergency light lit up as I made a turn. That is code for HOLLY HELL! I pulled in a parking lot, turned the car off and lost all power - my locks and windows would not work. DAMN, DAMN, DAMN. I thought it was my altnator, just based on the sympthoms. My dad showed up to look at it for me and everything worked just fine. OF course, so I looked like a dumbass for calling him to town to HELP me and pyper.
*Lance was at the Cardinal game w/ Rylan, so he was no help*.
We get home on Sunday, 1/2 way home the radio goes out - again. Apparently, I was on the verge of a fire. So $200.00 later, and a few coins dug out of the radio and I have my car back.
So let's keep count - Fridge, Stove, TV and now Radio. What am I missing? I should take inventory, because I need to know what will break next.
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Rylan has school until June 4th and on June 5th he will have a tooth pulled in prepartion for his surgery. *cring,e cringe* My new job was very understanding about his July 2nd surgery and understands that I am not flexible about my time off to care for my son - can it be true? We will see.
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So next Tuesday is my last day, I plan to bring Pyper in with me - we are having cake and I prob won't stay all day. This Friday I am off to go w/ Rylan on his field trip, and next Friday I will get to attend his field day at school. Then I have two weeks off in june and the plan is to get some sun, luv on my kids, drink in the middle of day - because I can. Smile, see my family and thank god for the small things.
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Here's the web-site to my job, in case you really wanted to know..........http://monarch.chrisscholl.com/

Add'l if anyone is looking for a Dir of Fin job, my is open ;)

Holding pattern...

2009-05-12T21:01:00.003-05:00

okay, so the guy called me and asked me to come in Monday night for a 2nd interview.
I made some arrangements - this is code for - Lance stayed home, until I got there.
I showed up at 5:10 for a 5:20 interview and for some reason I was nervous- I am not normally nervous. Anyhoo...I interviewed with a panel of 5, plus two on lookers. 5 - a panel of 5 (OMG). The one guy had 7 questions - typical interview questions, only I did not brush up on the typical interview questions. But I must have done pretty well, none the less.
I got an offer.
Today, I counter offered.
Which means as of now I am in a holding pattern.
The HR guy sends me an email that the board is reviewing my request and/or counter offer.
So here is my questions - should one counter offer?
I always thought it was to be expected.
I only upped the ante a few bucks more, but nothing too much or too extreme.
um.....
So tell me, do employers normally low-ball in hopes of a counter offer?
What is a respectable counter offer?
I asked for $3,000 more than the intital offer. Once again not a lot, but I think the expected thing to do is counter offer.
Some one throw me a bone!!!
Plus IF I take this new job, which is really similar to my current job - I plan to give two weeks notice, but take 4 weeks total. I am going to take 2 weeks in june to just chill w/ the fam'.
Plus I told the interview panel about my son's surgery - I need 2 weeks to care for my son during and after surgery. This request is not flexible. The panel seemed really responsive to this request. *let me state, a panel member works in a local NICU* I think that helps.
The lady I am replacing actually had 3 of her 4 kids at this place *they may actually be family friendly. dare I say. does it exist?*
So kids, this is where I am at.

Ohhh, then this morning I took my kids to the doctor and they BOTH have strep throat. That folks requires a place that is family friendly.
At my current job *aka hell hole* I had to miss a night meeting tonight due to the fact that I am caring for sick kids and hubby is working 2nd shift. We are in the middle of a give & take situation. I asked him to go in late yesterday so I could go on a interview / tonight I must give up a worksession.
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He is stressed that he may be laid off soon. Perhaps we will both be home for a week or two - I suggest we hit the road w/ our kids and see the states. head west, I say, head west!!! time will tell. Our paths are windy, tricky and full of surprises. We are lucky to have each other and our little family. Keeping fingers crossed either way.

Mothers day and more..

2009-05-11T15:38:00.002-05:00

Welcome back, it has been quite a while - NOT.
What is god trying to do to me these days??? Make me crazy - well it is working.

Let me know just tell you that Lance thought that Mothers day was Saturday.
I mean really thought it was Saturday, which is better than most years. Most years he has told me, 'I dont' have to do anything for mothers day for you. You are not my mother.'
So we are upgrading, slowly but surly.
I get up Sat morning and he is gone - I figured he was out getting donuts. He showed up with flowers, card and balloon. I looked at him sideways, and asked him what this was for on a Sat he states 'Mother's day.'
I looked puzzled ' but it is tomorrow.'
Lance 'no it is today.'
Me 'um......no, tomorrow. but thanks (I think).'
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Over the weekend Lance and I spoke about the fact that I stopped the process with a job that I pretty much had. He let me know he does not get me, and never will. He felt I should have just gone for it and then worked it all out. I don't work that way, and my head is not in the game, so I should just back out. We agreed in the end, that I really wanted to continue with the process, and that honesty was the best way to handle it - but he thinks I should have continued with the process. I backed out.
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Until today.
That's right folks.
I got a call from the HR guy at the place, he never told the interview panel that I was not going to show up today, he did not tell them I dropped out of the process. He called me first thing this morning and requested that I re-consider. He said they would work with me, they all have kids and he felt I was the best candidate.
WHAT?
WHAT?
OMG................um, okay. I will see you at 5:20pm to continue the process.
I called Lance, I could feel him smirk thru the phone. Well, in order for me to continue w/ the process he needs to go into work late. He was fine with that. This will have to be a team effort in our household. More to come..........

Re-gain footing on friday

2009-05-08T14:13:00.004-05:00

I am so glad it is FRIDAY.
This week has been pretty odd for me, I woke up this morning and thought it was Thursday.
Somewhere in the week I lost a day - which seems to be pretty typical these days.
I am not sure which day it is and whether I am coming or going.

So at 9am this morning I sent a thanks but no thanks letter to a controller position.
Damn that was hard! I WANT to continue with the process, I WANT out of here - this place is stealing my joy, and killing my spirit one emotion at a time.
But for the life of me, I just cannot leave - yet.

I need the 4 weeks that I have built up to care for my son & get paid during that time.
It sucks to have to stay here and feel this way, but I have to believe that god is good and that things are in the works that I cannot see. I must 'trust' the unknown. Which is a stretch for me, I hardly trust the reality of daily living.

I have to keep reminding myself that it is really okay, and that I can do this. I have to keep 'finding' my joy in the small things (a small hello, a smile from my kids, and a kiss from my husband). So far 2008 has been a humbling experience for me. I only hope is am paying enough attention to learn whatever lesson is begin presented before me........because right now, in the thick of it, it is all scrambled around in my head and all I see is gray, dark skies. The light at the end of the tunnel is not the light to guide me out of this hell hole, it feels like a semi-truck w/ its high beams on and I am the target.

A worker came to see me two days ago, he popped in to see how I was 'doing'. This man has been here 8 years and knew that I have been looking and was checking to see how things were panning out for me. Two days ago, things looked good - one foot out the door. I was on my way.
He basically asked me not to go, said 'people like having you around, and we need you.' I said to him 'I don't know that I can stay and keep fighting. It is taking its toll. I feel off kilter, and the mo-jo in my house is BAD.' He said to me, the age ol' line of b.s. 'patience is a virtue, and perhaps if you make a decision about not looking you will be back to normal.'
In the moment I laughed him off, chalked him up as a wise guy.
Because we all know the bad mo-jo is from Lance *wink*.

So in my search for an answer, I got several.
Some were among all this crap, I still need to stay; and deep down that sucks.
I just had another fight with my boss yesterday. I so want it to stop, and I was so close to being able to tell them that I was going to be gone. I WANT to tell him off, I want to flip him the bird - I want to punch him in the face and give him a weggie. PLEASE!!!

Then I scheduled surgery for my son, and my heart dropped.
A worker came to see me to ask me to stay. This is out of character for this guy, he is a maintenance worker, pretty unassuming, pretty happy go-lucky and really not involved with any work b.s. He just shows up, does his job and lets the rest of the world revolve around him.
His words kept ringing in my ears ' patience is a virtue.'
Okay, so WE all know that - but to practice it, and pay attention to the message.
I had to sit back and pay attention to the person who delivered the message, as well as the message itself. Okay, god - I will take a step back.
I will be upset that I need to, because I really don't want to. I will trust that I still have something to learn, give and gain from this experience with the City. Although at the moment it all seems tainted. Tainted, I tell you.

Writing the letter to the other job prospect, in the middle of a recession, declining the second interview was HARD. I did not want to do it, but knew I needed to.
So as I realign my life, I need to realign my emotions - because right now I am cranky and sad.

*I am sure by now everyone has heard that Joshua was found. The small town in MO is thrilled and holding a parade for him. Thank you to everyone who prayed. I know god is good - even when things look bad.*

um and then some.....

2009-05-06T15:28:00.002-05:00

I feel all over the place these days.
Random thoughts, random words - nothing really connecting.
Yet, with all of the chaos - there is a strong sense of calm.
Weird - right?
At this moment, I think it is weird that I am asking the web - if, they find me weird.
How is that for taking it to a new level?

So, I am still convinced that we have some bad mo-jo going on. I am not sure if it is Lance or myself who is off kilter - but we continue to struggle with keeping our personal items working. But on the flip side, neither one of us are really bothered by it all - we have been just laughing it all off and moving on.

We have been joking about how 'bad' our luck truly is - and we weren't even drunk. It is nice to know that in the times of chaos, we can find humor. Although I must admit I am a bit done with the comic humor, here's to praying nothing else breaks in my house. *fingers crossed*

So yesterday, as I made phone calls, I held my breath. It is here, the time is here....the time I have been dreading since the kiddo was born. I scheduled Rylan's bone graph. *gasp*
I was tense on the phone, all night and just walking around in a haze. I don't really want to do this, damn it. So here is the schedule - he needs to have two teeth pulled; this will happen June 2. Once that has healed he will have a bone graph on July 2 - happy effing' fire-cracker day. It was either July 2 or June 24th. The doctors felt June 24th was not enough time to ensure that he healed completely, so we pushed it off one more week.

Which as a side note is strange to me, because why ensure that is healed - when they are going to open it all back up again. color me -perplexed.

Anyway, so here we go. I am submitted the paperwork to take two weeks off for his recovery. I don't really think I will need them, but just to be sure. The doctors indicate it is a 6 week, full recovery time. Which is code for kids summer shot to hell!
Perhaps I need to sign up for netflix - we will be watching ALOT of movies. :)

So in the mist of all of this I have two interviews. Actually, they are second interviews. I have been up front with each of them, letting them know my schedule - thinking they would say thanks, but no thanks. But they are going ahead with bringing me...........to continue the process. For one job, it is just me and one other person.

Here is the kicker - what if I get it?

Is it bad timing? Or am I just afraid of the move? *perhaps a bit of both*
However on the flip side, if I don't go for it -what might I be missing.
Or - should I just step back; because people it really is not about me at this moment.
But- what if they will work with my schedule and still want me (is god telling me to go for it?).

Ugh, I am tormented soul these days - yet happy and content.

Complex, how about that - just sign me up as complex.

*please keep us in your prayers in July......*

Lastly, the little boy missing from MO, is from my home town - we went to school w/ the mother & father. In the spirit of prayer - please pray for them and their lost son Joshua.

manic monday.

2009-05-04T11:04:00.002-05:00

I wish I had good news or better karma - but not yet.
umph.
I spent 3 days at Lake of the Ozarks last week, at a conference. The conference was full of accounting 'type' people - yes, folks this equals boring. I am not your typical accountant, I know-gasp.
I find most of the people there to be stuck up, old and old acting.
I know plenty of old people, who do not act or look old. But this group fits the mold and stereotype to the tee. So how do I fit into the mix, well not very well.
However, god must have been shining down on me....i took the lady in my office and the new guy from another local gov't rode with us.
We found out the new guy, who is younger (28ish), is a gay accountant. He appears to be wound-tight....um, not so much. I ended up having a great time w/ my little car load of people.

On the drive home Friday night, it took us 6 hours to get home. OMG.
The drive should have been pretty simple, except some of the roads / bridges were closed due to the weather. So we ended up lost - which is pretty typical for me, but made for a long damn day. The road trip was nice, we had great conversations and perhaps I was meant to be lost in a car for hours with these two people. Okay,not perhaps - I was meant to be lost for hours talking about religion, self and positive thinking. I am trying to get back my positive mo-jo and it is harder and harder each day.

During our stay 'we' (all 3 of us), got fake tattoos, hats, swimsuits and drank martini's well into the night. The other guest were not sure what to think of us, I didn't really care. We were a circus everywhere we went, and I laughed so hard I about fell over.

Sunday, we finally get home - from traveling to Ironton to see family, get kids and re-group.
We picked up our second stove on Sunday, only to discover this stove was also damaged. OMG. I thought Lance was going to lose his mind. However in our desperate need of actually needing a stove - after 6 weeks of not having one, we installed the 2nd damaged stove. The damage on this stove was in the back, so not very visible. But, for real folks, what gives?
fridge, tv and stove x's 2......
I am not sure we are out of appliance hell - my washer is on its last leg.

Today, I am trying to play catch up - which sucks.
We are staying home this coming weekend, and I cannot wait for it to get here - it is only Monday (ugh!). I have a meeting tonight as well - which sucks times 10.

Bad Mojo....

2009-04-27T16:31:00.003-05:00

Okay, so I need someone to come to my house and say a few prayers, spray the damn thing w/ holly water. There is some bad mo-jo happening in the DePew household.

I have been absent for several reasons...and after this you won't blame me.
We all know my stove has been out FOREVER!
So two weeks ago the facet started to move off its base, and then the bottom of the sink gave out, from an apparent rotten spot. So two weekends ago we spent HOURS searching for a faucet, a piece of wood (for the hole) and a stove. We brought our kids, which equals chaos. Word to the wise, don't bring kids appliance shopping. By the 4th store they sucked.
By the 4th store I was ready for a decision myself. So I asked Lance what his decision was - he gets to pick the stove out, he uses it the most. He points to a WHITE stove. I almost punched him the face right there.......I turned around and walked out. He stood there baffled stating 'what, what?'
Me ' didn't you just bring me home a stainless steal fridge? Don't you think our appliances should match?' *what a novel idea?*
Lance 'no. the white is cheaper, what do I care if they match.'
Me 'we are leaving, I am done.'
And with that we left the stove for another day.......................................
In the mean time my new fridge (that I did not need) works like crap. Yes folks it too is broken. Then this past Friday, we get in from playing outside, well into the evening and our TV is only showing 1/2 the picture. SWEAR.
At that very moment I hear god giggling up stairs at my life in appliance hell.
Count it up people
Fridge, stove, and now TV.
We made a list in April of how to spend our tax money and those items were NOT on it. At the top of it is a washer / dryer. Because that folks is on its last leg, but luckily still working, because everything else in my house sucks.
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This past Saturday I got to American and get a damn stove. Lance must pick it up on Tuesday. Wanna bet how long it will take for Lance to actually install the stove????
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This morning Lance called the repair guy for the fridge, yeap the fan is broken. hence, not cooling well, hence bad food. screw the swine flu crap going around, I am going to make my family sick by having a new fridge that does not work.
The repair guy is coming back on Wed - aGAiN.
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Lance was suppose to go and get a new TV today. who the hell knows if that happened. And if it did, he had better remember we are on a budget. He gets man eyes when he walks in the TV section, he sees nothing but the blue ray disc players and expensive crap.
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Any bets on what will happen tonight?????? I have bad mo-jo these days!

Easter-Late:

2009-04-17T14:12:00.008-05:00

The post is LATE, but what the hey. I have been distracted, and busy lately. I have been 'meaning' to post about Easter, and before I knew it, it was 'effing Friday. So, in my haste, here you go.

Let me start out by saying we had a rockn' time. Which is pretty usual when we spend time as a family, with my-side of the family. The only kid missing was my brother (and his family). My mother commented several times about how much she missed them.

I am sure their kids would have had a blast, these are the times my children will never forget and for that I am thankful.
The first photo is of our last day there - and all the kids surrounded the Easter Bunny. *one for the scrap-book. *

Here are my kids posing it up. Because clearly they are shy kids - NOT. And yes, before you even ask - Rylan is rockn' the mo-hawk again this year. And NO, I do not make him get it. Actually, I kind of cringe every time he request it - but what the hey, I do have to let him be an individual as well. So, on Good Friday while waiting in line for his hair cut, he said 'mom, can I get my mo-hawk? It is spring time...' My heart sort of sank, then I looked at him and thought who really gives a sh*t? If the can wear it and all the stares and looks that are associated with it, then more power to him. He was so excited to have it back, he practically burst. He could not wait to show his dad and his family at the lodge.

Here are the kids on the dock. They ran up and down this damn thing, creating things to look at, like 'the creature in the water'; then they would all run off the dock. They splashed the water and attempted to shove each other into the fridge water. And of course, Pyper actually fell in, along the shore. She was rather proud of herself. I personally luv this photo.

While the kids played, the adults played poker. We played inside, because the weather was rather chilly - and we are wimps. We would poke our heads out to do a head count every now and then.

Here, my father is teaching Misty how to play 5 card stud. She screeched like a girl on crack when she won her first round. My father and I agree that Misty is not good Vegas material - she sucks at poker, but she was good for a laugh or two.

Speaking of laughs. God bless, nana. During the afternoon, they had a face painter on site. Here are a few photos of their art work. My mother of course, was the Easter bunny. Misty and I went for a few low key swirls on our face. But in true mother form, she went all out and the kids luv'd it. Why does Rylan get a mo-hawk? For the same reason my mother walked around all day w/ her face painted - because they really are that cool!

Here are the kiddo's w/ fresh paint. Rylan the tiger and Pyper the butterfly. The face paint lasted all day, and the kids walked around like they were movie starr's.

To say that we had a good time, even with the crappy weather, would be an understatement. I know these are the things my children will remember, and that folks, makes it priceless.

We rode bikes, we fished, we hiked, we ate until we wanted to puke, we drank wine and beer at night, while playing cards. We hid eggs, found baskets, made one more memory - and connected as family one more time. I could not be more grateful for such great parents and family. Everyone should be so darn lucky!!!

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for those of you still keeping count - no stove!

Add another year...man, ol'man.

2009-04-09T10:53:00.008-05:00

As I have said MANY, MANY times, Lance and I have been together FOREVER. And this folks, proves it beyond all sense of the imagination, that we were hanging out in the 1990's.

I am almost embarrassed to post this picture, but then again - not so much. It is part of our history. Here we are in 1990 at his Senior Prom. Yes, he is sporting the 'stash' and greasy looking hair ; and I am wearing big hair - which is a sign of the times. It makes me laugh out loud every time I see this photo.....I refer to it as his 'Rico suave' look. A look that I loved from the start.....god help me too. We were teenagers, and living life to its fullest. Our stint of being together was just that - a 5 yr stint. We had a fall out once I went to college, and he took a job on the road. We meet up a few years later, at home over x-mas. The attraction is undeniable....damn our hormones. But then again, I never dated a guy, that I didn't ultimately wish was him.

Moving on to the next stage in our life together. Our wedding day......you can sense a level of dedication just by viewing the photo. His manly hands wrapped around my face, heads tilted, and the kiss for all to see. Yeap, life long commitment in the making. We were on a wing and a prayer at this stage in our lives. Both in our 20's, and starting a family. I am not sure we saw beyond the tip of our nose. We had not plan, no real idea - but really didn't care. We had each other, and so it began. Him at 28 and me at 26.

Here we are 8 yrs later, him turning 36 today and I give you a glimpse of where the years have taken us. Bad hair, bad breath, bad decisions and a great life in the end. Every decision we have made, either alone or together always lead us to the same place. Back to each other, to build our life one stepping stone at a time. Really to this day, no major plan. Just taking it one day at a time. Hoping that we remain happy and healthy. Now hoping that we remain healthy enough to see our kids grow up. Because, they have become an important extension of who we are, and who we want to be in the future. But as our kids get older, so do we.

The bittersweet extension of us........it is so sweet to watch them grow; but so sad to notice each wrinkle and gray hair associated with our age as well. For every year they are older, so are we.

We now find ourselves saying things like 'remember when, or those were the days.' A clear indication of our age....yeap that age that puts us closer to 40. In our 20's, we thought 40 was OLD, and now that it is looming over us - I think we were right. It is old, but we would like to consider ourselves a cooler version of the almost 40 crowd. And my kids and nieces/nephews will be a reminder that we in fact are NOT cool, and yes, 40 is old. In our little humble abode, we will snicker and laugh at them......because we can. We will start to try to protect them from 'our' childhood mistakes. Because our age has taught us SO much.....ha!!!

One thing that age has taught me is that to love unconditionally takes alot out of a person, and makes you question your own thought foundation. It is one thing to say it, but another to live it. If you are going to love your kids unconditionally, then you had better be prepared to love your spouse in the same manner. Because in the end your kids will LEAVE you, and if you don't watch it your spouse will too. We are trying to not get lost in the mix of keeping up with Jones, or being so busy that we lose site of loving each other. It is a struggle at times.....but it seems to all go back to the 'stash and greasy hair look'. I want to be with him just as much now as I did then, if not more. Our roots and connection is strong and as he turns 36 today, we share a life and level of love that even surprises us. We love our little life, our little house, and our kids. We are living the American dream, together and creating our own little version of history.

You can mark this morning as a day in our history book. Lance was asleep this morning as the kids trampled down stairs like a heard of horses to give him his card and gift. He is working nights, and was sound asleep, as Pyper giggles her way to the bed and shoves a card up his nose. He abrupt awakening is softened by seeing his kids glowing with anticipation.

They cannot wait for him to open their card - it has sound. Pyper cannot wait, she about to burst, and Rylan is giggling just thinking about it. The card is opened and Lance see's Timmy from Southpark on the front - he opens the card and Timmy squeals something about 'money and tacos' I mean for real, Timmy from Southpark for him turning 36. Well, the smiles on the kids faces was contagious as we listened to the card 50 more times. Each time encouraged more and more giggles from the kids, which made us smile from ear to ear.

We had a small family moment, laughter filled the air, and his birthday was official. And we will pack that way with the rest of our family memories. Welcome to turning 36 with Timmy from Southpark. Because that is the way we roll...

Happy 36th Birthday, we luv you!!!!

Color me ALL Grown up.

2009-04-07T10:26:00.005-05:00

This blogger thing is a 'funny' little monster. In that you put things out there and in hind site you can never take back. Which is just fine with me, because I don't really want to.

Blogging is good for me; I carry so many emotions that without a release I feel like I would burst sometimes. Despite most of my entries, I feel a sense of relief just by getting it out there...

Which leads me to yesterdays' post. Prob not my best post, you can file with the rest of the BS that I have put on this site. After my post, I did not feel better; actually I felt more frustrated then when I started. Out of all of the people in my life, the last person I want to fight with on a consistent basis is Lance. The last person I want to be disappointed in, is Lance.

As we called each other yesterday, we continued the charade of being civil to each other; without being loving. This charade pissed me off....so I packed up my stuff, told my office I had an errand to run and I went home. Yeap, in the middle of the day and stormed in side. We were going to lay this crap on the table and have it out. I was not going to spend my week tip-toeing around it all like the big elephant in the room.

He was surprised to see me, then we began talking.
Well, screaming at first.......................
Here is what we agreed upon:
- We have a communication issue; this goes both ways.
As a result of our Saturday spat, I was not planning on coming home at all Sat night. I was in the 'i'll show you mode.' Only, I could not see spending $300.00 on a room at the Casino, so I went home at 2:30am instead. And woke everyone in my house up.

Not my most mature moment. Which is sort of the point of this. I realized when I speaking 'at' Lance (YES, I speak 'at' him; he is not allowed a word edge-wise until I am done) that he may have made some mistakes on Saturday; but so did I. Not my most grown-up moment. And yes, I was thinking out of spite.

- We will attempt to respect each other. I say attempt, because we are still 12 at heart, and with both of us being as stubborn as mules, neither one of us will give in or be humiliated.

So as he humiliated me on Saturday, I set out to give him a taste of his own medicine. Because I am classy like that. I know that it drives him nuts when I go out with my sister. Not that it is her; as much as it is that we see no one other than Joe Dirt. And he hears all of the 'stories' of bad behavior that he hates the image that is left in his head when I leave. This is not a trust issue - he totally trust me; he just hates it. *which by the way I get. And earlier that day I told him that I didn't think I was going to go, because I know the drama attached to it all. So he was surprised when I jumped in the car and left at 6pm. Surprised would put it lightly - he was pissed. Hence the fight.........

As we wade thru this marriage......we agree on the following: We don't want to do this 'marriage' thing with anyone else; nor do we want to live alone. *So, since we have nothing else going on - we might as well stick it out a few more years - ha!!! The last sentence is a joke.*

The other night made me realize that I miss my close group of friends. I miss having a girlfriend to call on the fly; rather than being stuck at the mercy of a Joe Dirt night. Did I really want a night out SO bad that I would subject myself to the drama that is attached to Joe Dirt again - that answer is YES. I wanted a night out. I needed it, and regardless of the parameters - I took it.

As I explained to Lance, I actually spent an hour or two gambling by myself. Because the dynamics between my sister and her group were too much for me to put up with as well. I spend all week being a single parent; because he is working nights. That I could not see beyond getting out of the house. Couple that with his afternoon attitude and you can color me a damn brat.

And three days later, i put on my big girl panties and cleared it all up. Given our stubborn streak, we could have stayed mad forever. Cheers to not being mad, and to growing up one fight at a time.

Weekend,

2009-04-06T09:57:00.004-05:00

I had a good and bad weekend, all at the same time.

Highlights
-the weather was nice.
- the kids were good.
- we dyed Easter eggs

Downturn
- husband
- husband (again!).
- husband.....slept on the bottom bunk bed in our son's room.
- night out w/ sister = drama.

*Really too much to go into; bottom line. I could not be more disappointed in him and his actions. Perhaps I am a bit disappointed in myself for not punching his lights out. We will survive the marriage by being equal partners, or else we will not survive. In case he has not noticed, I am NOT someone who he can treat badly.
I am his wife, and the reality of it is, he should have a better level of respect for me. If he does not, or can not; then we will be no longer. I will compromise on this one......not today & not tomorrow.
There are times when 'sorry' is not enough. Actions must change, the manner in which he speaks to me MUST change. There are times when he shows complete strangers more respect than he gives me. BTW- I don't care if you were mad. Being mad is not an excuse for bad behavior.
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Secondly, I went out with my sister for another Joe Dirt night. Please remind me the next time I 'think' that is a good idea that it really is not. As much as I needed a night out, I should have known better. It was not the good time or release I was looking for. The opinions and emotions of everyone else in our group were overwhelming to me on Sat night. It got to the point that it just made me angry, I just wanted to get the hell out of there. First Lance, then this - really too much drama for me for one day. Her and I did have a good drive home - just her and I discussing the events of the day. Which were weird in nature and so off base at times. It is good to have a sister in times likes these.
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Will I ever learn, perhaps not. The highlight(s) of my weekend were all over shadowed by the drama. I, by the way, hate drama..........
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Update - our stove still does NOT work; for those of you keeping up with us. We are going on week 3. And now our NEW fridge does seems to be cooling very well. *not my problem!*
How are we eating???? We are using the grill.
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Lance turns 36 this week. Do you think he is acting out because he feels old? He said he is now closer to 40 than ever. Do men get freak'd about their age?

Another year....under his belt.

2009-03-30T10:43:00.007-05:00

I remember having him, in my drugged out haze and arms that did not work - I could hear him screaming across the delivery room. The scream was delayed, he was born blue, born failure to thrive - on top of being cleft.
The chips were stacked against him, and I sure did not help.

I was hopped up on so much morphine I thought my toes were glowing, and could not feel my legs. His birth was not picture perfect, his entry into the world was tough.

The instant I hear him cry, I lost a part of myself. I was losing my ability to be so darn selfish...this screaming kid needed me. His cry touched my heart to the core. I needed to hold him, to touch him, and I needed to cry. He was here and I was terrified, and ecstatic all at the same time. Me, a mommy. Him, a son - a child of god, and now my child.

Made me question if god really knew what he was doing?
For real, he must be handing out kids like candy - Lance & I were no way parent material; or so I thought.

I remember leaving the hospital with an empty car seat and crying all the way home. Mommies are not suppose to leave the hospital without their babies and now I know why. Even thought I could not change a diaper, I knew I needed him close. I know I had SO much to learn - and yes, he was my learning curve. I may have gotten an E for Effort and an L for love - I luved him so much I could burst. And as my learning curve, I clipped your nails too close, didn't know how to clean your pee-pee (it freak'd me out!), and hit your head on a wall or two. Sorry, does not seem like enough - I am just glad you survived having me as you mommy.

As a baby I could never picture him growing up.
Is that weird?
I mean seriously, I never pictured him beyond the baby stage. Perhaps because his baby stage was filled with so many unknowns for me that I could not see beyond the next hurdle. Too bad, I am sure I missed some really good moments, begin wrapped up in my anxiety driven world.

Eight years has come REALLY FAST. I could never see beyond the sleepless nights, the crying, the feedings; shame on me. Although all of it seemed worth it, when you smiled at me. Your little broken smile could brighten up the darkest room.

In your eight years of life, you have taught me so much.
You have taught me that special needs is just a label.
You by the way, are not - special needs. You are not failure to thrive, and as you eat me out of house and home - I figure it is punishment for believing such nonsense. *For real, you eat TWO subway sandwiches this past weekend in one sitting (gross).

They said you may never excel in school - well once again color me WRONG.
You made all A's (again) this past report card. This makes me wonder whose child you really are - clearly these are not your dad's genes at work.
At this rate you will be smarter than me, oh by, tomorrow. ha!

You have a stubborn streak that is starting to make me crazy, but is tempered by the way you luv all things good and bad. Such as your sister - even in all her badness; you luv her. For instance when she was poking you in the head w/ the DS pencil - you still hugged her. A level of compassion I will never understand, but find amazing. I would have slapped my brother silly.

You make me want to be a better person and for that I thank you.

Your sister makes me want to drink, and I appreciate you being on the opposite side of the scope - it helps. When I yell at you, you are instantly sad - a reminder to me; that I don't need to take out my frustrations on you.
Some say our eyes are the window to our soul - I would say that applies to you. Your green eyes are so telling of your mood, disposition and happiness. As we enter the world of DS games, Moster Trucks, 4-wheelers, Metallica, friends, 2nd grade and Pokemon. I pray that you continue to make me your best friend, continue to think you father is the coolest person you know. We are so lucky to have you, and hope you have the best birthday ever!

Happy 8th Birthday my fry guy- I luv you!

Appliance Hell part duex...or DUH

2009-03-26T14:02:00.002-05:00

So the drama continues.....
Where was I when I last left off- well, we established that Lance has the mentality of Patrick the starfish from Spongebob and today he continued to confirm that.

Before I get ahead of myself..let's talk about yesterday.
I call him around 10am - he is working nights, so he was home.
Me' hey what are you doing?'
Him 'getting ready to pick up the fridge?'
Me 'good.'
I call back 2 hours later......tick-toc, tick-toc.
Me 'hey, what is up?'
Lance ' well, I just had to cut the counter top to get the fridge to fit.'
Me slamming down the phone. *dear god.
Lance 'I measured it wrong - I measured it from the top and the counter is down below and it sticks out further than I thought. So, I had to cut it.'
Me ' what? Why did you not just return the fridge?'
Lance 'why, I have it at home.'
I hang up.
I get home that night, he is gone and the old fridge is in the garage and the new one it hooked up and working in my kitchen. Counter is cut and a bit jagged.
Whatever!
I go outside and begin cleaning the fridge outside - it is empty; but needs a good wiping. I take out the shelves & drawers. I take them around the house to hose them off - when I head back to the garage to put them back in, I drop one of the shelves and it SHATTERS. I am PISSED...this is the angst of my existence. I sweep it up and leave the damn fridge alone. I officially hate it - new and old. All this time the electric stove sits nicely un-used in my garage. While the old broken gas stove stays in my kitchen - taken apart and unable to be used.
So for dinner I use my dialing finger and get take-out.
********************************************************************
Today.......
I call Lance again...around 11am. Thinking that the drama is over. I mean for real, what more can happen - the fridge affair is over.
Me 'hey, what is up?'
Lance 'just cleaning out the garage and making the fridge fit.'
Me 'how are you doing that?'
Lance 'Oh, just moving things around. Plus, I put the electric stove out on the corner with a FREE sign.'
Me 'What the hell? The stove that works? Get your a*ss back out there and bring it inside. Why don't you put the broken stove on the curb with a FREE sign?'
Lance 'Who would pick up a broken stove?'
Me ' BUT WE NEED THE STOVE THAT WORKS?' duh.
Lance' fine, I will go get it. but damn Michelle - what do you want me to do with it?'
I am thinking to myself - let me draw you a picture. I want you to take out the broken stove, place it on the curb and put the stove that works back in our kitchen. DUH.
I hold my breath, count to 10 - then just hang up. I don't have the energy to talk to him......
So tonight I will once again be in a kitchen with a new fridge and a broken stove.
I have dared some people at work to call my house and say that they were coming over with a truck because they saw the free stove.
Then I told the lady in my office, next week I suspect that Lance will just open my front door and put an 'open house' sign in my front lawn.
Perhaps, Patrick from spongebob is smarter than my husband - who is not smarter than a fifth grader.

Appliance HELL

2009-03-23T21:15:00.008-05:00

Tell me, have you been enjoying the weather - if not, then you are living under a ROCK.
Don't go out today (tuesday), it is suppose to suck; but prior to today it was beautiful.
A short run down on our events, which in return lead me straight to appliance hell - with Lance smack dab in the middle of the mess. *I know big SUPRIZ.*

I took Thurs & Friday off work to spend time with the kids while Rylan was on an 11 day spring break. We didn't really have the money to do anything big - so we had a 'stay-cation!'
I took the kids to the zoo on Thursday - we had a blast.
Friday, we took the kids to Purina farms then headed down to Washington MO. Lance went to work that day, when we had decided that he would not - so he didn't get home until 1pm; so half of our day was shot. If you 'think' you notice a bit of tone - then you would be perceptive.
We were suppose to go downtown - that is a far cry from 109 and Washington MO. grrr.

Thursday night I go to preheat the oven, and it does not work. um.
So, I try again. Thinking that I am appliance challenged, so it could just be me.
Turn the knob to 350, turn the other knob to bake - um, nothing again. the oven is NOT getting hot; but the stove top is working. *that is weird to me*
I inform lance that HIS stove is broken. It is his, he does all the cooking - he seems miffed that the oven is broken; thinking that I just don't know how to work it he goes over to turn the knobs.
I stand idly by, eyeballing him as if to say 'told you so!'
He states ' they oven is not working.'
Ahh, well now that we are communicating clearly lets move on.
He 'thinks' it is the thermal cuppol (sp?) - I have no idea, but it sound good.
So he decides that he will take the oven apart to get the part out, then go to Sears and get a replacement part.
The back of the oven is taken off, all of the wires and knobs are placed on top of the counter and he pulls out this long wire longer than my arm with a circle at the top of it. This is code for holly hell, I am sure he has screwed this one up.

So on Sunday with the part in hand and the make / model of the stove he headed off to Sears.
So tell me, how did he end up at Sears on Sunday for 3 hours.
The kids and I made it to church and back before he ever made it home.
He comes strolling in around ohhh - 1(ish); with no replacement part. Sears does not have it. Still he has a receipt - a sales receipt.
Why you may ask - well, he bought a refrigerator while he was at Sears.
Of course, because that is what we needed....a stainless steel fridge to go into our white kitchen. Why did I not see this coming? So he purchases a fridge and leaves it at Sears - because he cannot get it home.
So now I have an oven that does not work and a fridge that I don't need.....(an cannot get home)
Oh, hang on kids, it gets better.
So today, he goes on a wild goose chase looking for the oven part. He makes his way downtown and calls me the part store. this is our conversation:
Lance 'hey michelle.'
Me 'yeah, what.'
Lance ' I am at the part store and the thermal cuppal is $289.00.'
Me banging the phone on my desk asking him ' do we have a BAD connection, I thought you just said over 200.
Lance 'yeah.'
Me 'turn around and get the hell out of there. The damn stove is not even worth that much.'
So now I am the proud owner of a fridge I don't need and an oven that I need to replace.
Now if you remember a few months back we had a stove episode when he switched our stove from electric to gas. You remember, when I thought he was going to blow us all up.
We still have our electric stove in our garage - for safe keeping. Perhaps god knew I would need it, or perhaps Lance is a pack-rat and it is out there with the console tv we have never used. Soon they will all have the nice company of a white fridge - because it too is being replaced; but still works well.

BTW we have until Thursday to get the new, shiny fridge from Sears....Lance is working nights and I am working days. This should be interesting!
Always good times at the DePew household......always.

Whew, it is over..

2009-03-16T09:44:00.003-05:00

Well sort of..

And if anyone is downtown, and sees half my a*s could you please pick it up and bring it back to me. To say that the meeting was brutal would be an understatement. We were downtown from 9am to 4:30 ; no lunch, min breaks, and NO damn WATER.

Why would a federal building not have a water fountain or a water container? Perhaps by design, because they don't want anyone to stay.

My mother showed up at my house, around 8am (right on time), in her attorney attire. Ha! That makes me laugh, she was dressed nicely, and my niece apparently told her she looked very attorney(ish). Lance took the day off work to go with me as well, luckily he did not dress in his daily overalls - he put on his date clothes in stead. ha! He asked if he should wear his suite, and I responded ' your funeral suite?' he said 'Yes, the only suite I own.'
I quickly replied - 'no, that is bad luck.'
Off we went. Me with my husband and mother in tow. We were on time, which is so NOT like us, we were nervous and semi-ready. The other party would not let me have anyone else in the room while the discussion took place, so my mother and Lance were placed in a separate room off to the side. I was left alone in a law library while the other party was escorted back.....I stood up the whole time. In my mind I didn't want to be sitting down upon their arrival.
Perhaps too much TV or too many books, for some reason I had convinced myself that IF I was sitting down upon their arrival I was suddenly at a disadvantage. Who knows? Either way, I stood - looking out the window, saying a few small prayers. I had on my pant suit, and my hands in my pockets - just waiting.
The other party walks in and HUGS me, I mean for real people, they both hugged me. Then asked me if I was okay. um...can we say awkward. But whatever!.
8 hour later and several situations where I removed myself from the room and confided in my mother and Lance. You know I am scrapping the bottom of the barrel when I am relaying on Lance as the voice of reason. Well, that day, I was.....and as much as it pains me to say so - I am SO GLAD they were both there.
I did settle, I had too.
My case was not as open and shut as I would have hoped. Plus, apparently it is SUPER hard to prove discrimination. Then a twist came and I had to prove two levels of discrimination - because I report to a board as well.
*see me being totally deflated. I cannot prove discrimination across the board.
Damn man. So, I walked out and had to re-group.
I had every reason to be leery. I cried all the way home. I was emotionally exhausted, felt let down, and I went there with a very clear goal, and I left there with a whole new goal. All very eye opening, and exhausting.
I am not above learning a lesson or two - but that day was brutal.
At the same time, it was great. I know, I must be bi-polar - how can it be both?
Well, because within 24 hours, I had a whole new approach. I needed that lesson, as painful as it was. But today I am smarter, and know what to look for.
As I settled, I eluded to the fact that my boss WILL act out again - it is just part of his cycle. And next time, I will be more informed - and I won't make the mistakes I made this time.
Mark my word, there will be a next time - and I will WIN.
My mother tried to console me with the whole 'you may have lost the battle, but can still win the war' line of crap. I get her drift, but I so wanted to get them - perhaps I was too blinded by my own goal to see where i had failed.
We still left that law library in tact - I still have my job; which I am still doing well.
I still have to work with all parties involved. Work we will, and we will do so - a little smarter.
Because, now they know that I am not one to back down. I am not one that will give up, nor am I one that will be subject to their old ways. I will call them on it each and every time.
The future should be interesting.
I am glad it is over - I lost 4 lbs just that day, and thought I was going to gnaw Lance's arm off.
You wanna hear the topping of the day.
All parties meet in a common area to shake-hands at 4:30; this is when my mother in her attorney attire gets to meet everyone. She has a hurt thumb. Hurt to the point that you would think you were sticking a million needles in her eyeballs whenever anyone touches it.
So she goes to shake hands with a guy from the other side. She holds out her hand and screeches like a banshee. His eyes get big, he thinks he has hurt her.
I shoot her a look like WHAT THE HELL. She does not miss a beat, she ignores my glares from across the room. She states, 'oh my thumb is out of joint. You did not hurt it. I let the cow suck it out of joint.'
Yes, read again ' she said I LET THE COW SUCK IT OUT OF JOINT.
His eyes get real big, like the crack head standing in front of him really said something about a cow - maybe? She continues ' I had a baby calf that we hand feed, and I would let him suck my thumb.'
By now I am trying to shut her down. FOR REAL. 8 hours of work down the drain within 5 minutes of meeting my mother. The guy departs, just shaking his head - clearly thinking Michelle never stood a chance. Lance calls the Mayor a cocksucker, and her mother lets the cow suck her thumb. ha! ha!
So you tell me - how did it go?
Be honest!

Once home, I was still crying and Pyper brought me an entire toilet paper roll and she wiped my eyes. God luv her. So I could not be more grateful for my family and how they rallied around me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
To be continued - for that I am sure.

Distraction at its best.....

2009-03-11T13:51:00.002-05:00

So tomorrow is my EEOC meeting.

I am trying to stay distracted today - which is not too hard to do, I am swamped at work. However the anxiety and stress of tomorrow looms around me like a lingering fart that just won't go away. The whole thing STINKS.

Tonight I need to go to the hill, in order to support a friend of mine whose uncle died; he was 84 yrs old. This friend of mine is in her 50's and re-arranged her life to take care of her align parents about 5 yrs ago. Her father died not long after she moved in with them, now she cares for her mother and her two uncles who live next door. She works full time as well.
So on an occasion or two I have met her for lunch and she would have he elderly team in tow. This little Italian family, so small in stature, but so big in family value and tradition.
To say that I know this man who passed away would be a stretch, I had lunch with him twice. But when my friend called me yesterday in tears, her voice breaking as she told me her uncle died and arrangements were being made. I let her know I would see her at the viewing tonight, to pay my respects. Respect to her, her mother, and her surviving uncle. I am hoping we can both slip away to a small spot on the hill and just talk. Talk alot about nothing, because I am sure that she too will need a distraction.

I know I needed a distraction, but I am not sure that it needed to be the funeral home. Alias, I will just have to tough it out, and perhaps the tears I cry tonight in her presence will be a release of the stress and fear I have over my meeting tomorrow; and they may comfort my friend as she sheds a few tears for the family member she lost.

I have taken the entire day off work tomorrow. My meeting is EARLY in the morning. I do not expect it to last all day, but I know enough about myself to know that work is not the place I need to be afterwards. I will need to drink and cry - in no particular order. Perhaps I will cry in my drink; because we all know how pleasant that is! My mother and Lance are going with me.....for support. And we all know they will be up for a drink or 4, regardless the time of day. Deep down, I am really glad they are going, but I won't tell Lance that, because we are STILL fighting. *aka - jerk!*

How I wish it was going to be someone else in that room.

Tonight I will pray for strenght and wisdom. I will have to keep reminding myself how blessed I am, and remember why I am doing this - because for real, it would have been easier to just walk away. It would have been easier to just let them get away with the nonsense and stand on the sidelines. It would have been easier, but not me... I clearly prefer the road less traveled.

God Speed. *any good mo-joo you could send my way would be greatly appreciated. I could use all the help I can get!

Did I mention I had dark chocolate espresso beans for lunch - zip, zing, zoweeee. My left eye is twitching and my foot is shaking. Prob not such a good idea, but damn they were good. So excuse me while I go run around the block, like 500 times.

Sharing...birthdays!

2009-03-09T09:59:00.007-05:00

Well, today she turns 3 and the other drama queen turns 50.

I should have known that Pyper would share a birthday with the only other girl that could steal her thunder - BARBIE.

Today our little drama queen turns 3, and she is so full of life these days. She wears her emotions on her sleeve, you can tell if she is happy, sad, mad or just needing attention. She is an attention grabber, without even trying. So, imagine what happens when she really 'turns it on.'

Her smile will brighten any one's day, there are times it stops strangers in their tracks. At the same time, her anger and sadness will produce the most blood curling scream, your ears will want to bleed. Quite is not in her vocabulary, neither is dull.

I have determined that she is nocturnal, she does not require a lot of sleep, for fear that she may miss something. Because god forbid she not be the center of attention, even in her sleep.

Last night around midnight I hear 'sshhh, sshhh. SHUT-UP.' Yes, the child was sleeping and sassing someone in her dreams. I sat up and laughed out loud. I walk over to her bed, crawl next to her, smooth her hair and speak softly 'Pyper it will be okay.... ps - we don't say shut-up.'

She is the most comfortable around people that luv her unconditionally, and in her comfort zone she will entertain you to the fullest. She will sing along to the radio, even if she does know the words - she will just make them up, she has no shame. She will dance with all of the other kids to all kinds of music. Her father and brother have her head-banging in the back seat, while I have her getting a fair dose of pasty cline, elvis, foo-fighters, and Mr. Melloncamp. She luv's it all. She is a princess in the making, she luv's shoes, shinny things and make-up.

When asked what kind of a party does she want, she responds 'a present party.' ha! Of course.....

So, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Ms. Pyper, and barbie. Barbie will have to take a backseat in our house today. Altought everytime she comes on TV, Pyper breaks out in a scream, as her feet run to the TV and smack dab in front of it she stands shouting 'I want THAT, I WANT THAT.'

The other night she asked her father for a barbie cooter, her father turned red and had to leave the room. She follows behind him whining I want a pink barbie cooter, daddy. Let me translate - I want a pink barbie scooter.

And so it is done - a barbie and scooter for your birthday. We luv you, just the way you are.

Her favorite book as of today: Dr.Suess 'Oh the places you will go.' We look forward to watching you grow, and cannot wait to see the places you will go. God bless.

Shop talk....

2009-03-02T16:28:00.004-06:00

I have been gone for a while now - just doing some fly by posting here and there; just to let everyone know that I am still alive.

Alive - if that is what you want to call it.

I am so pissed off at Lance I cannot stand it. I mean the sound of his breath irks the hell out of me these days. And that story is for another day - it is too long to get into today. And as much as I know this man, he never ceases to make me CRAZY and cranky.

Over the weekend we drove to the country to see Grandpa, and spend the weekend with him. Making a few dinners, checking his medication and just spending some time. Well low and behold grandpa had plans. whoa. So we showed up and he was gone, to a bday party which would take most of the day. The boys rode the 4-wheeler while Pyper and I made the 'rounds. We stopped by my mothers tax office to say hi, then moved on to my fathers auto body shop.

This is one of the places that my father is in true form. So there we were in this buchiet building (slightly bitter cold), surrounded by motorcycle parts, paint and 4 metal walls. He works, while I talk. He glances up at a me a few times, as if to remind me that I am rambling or repeating myself. *a habit I cannot help when I am struggling with a situation.

Him and I are discussing my upcoming EEOC meeting. My father is dedicated to helping me out, he is reaching into that network of his and consulting with his version of a 'hot shot' attorney. Now any other time I would be hesitant. Most people my father hangs out are not suitable to date my dog, let alone represent me in a court of law. But if my father does anything right, he protects the women in his life. Money does not run'th over in our lives, nor does it in his, but he would trade a paint job for this mans service - for me, for my protection. *see me glowing with pride.

His work is sought after in the cycle circles that he runs in, and he knows it. He could do this for me and help protect me - or he could do and make some money. Most incidents he would take the money and run as fast as his feet could carry him. But today he was willing to work hard, put his work on display for this so called 'hot shot' attorney in an effort to move this situation forward and it not stall.

Little did he know he would have to endure 2 hours of me taking about the entire situation. Two days later, and looking back, I am sure he was done listening to me after the first 10 minutes - but he entertained me none the less. I talked and pace so much I put Pyper to sleep. All the while he worked on the painted parts in his shop.

The number of incidents and details haunt me to this day, I tried to go over each and everyone of them with him. Why...because I need him to be sure that he believes I am doing the right thing. Because I don't want him to waste his time trying to sell his soul / work to the hot shot attorney without cause. Because I needed him to know - I whole heartily believe in this case; but I am afraid. And if he believes that this attorney will give me good direction, then I have to also believe.

My father is not a pest, is not one who makes phone calls - but he did for me; he called his friend who had direct contact to this attorney guy and pushed the urgent button. very unlike my father. My father pulled the 'friend card' and the basic you own me one card and was able to get some results.

In less than 24 hours I received another level of comfort regarding my EEOC case, from the attorney who is out of town or always unavailable. I was on one phone, and my father was on the other when the call came thru mid Sunday afternoon.

Just Saturday we were having shop talk - me pouring out my heart, concerns and questions. By Sunday 'we' were feeling whole again, and ready to go. Thank you does not seem like enough.

I know he sat thru me talking my head off for close to 2 hours. But just like home, his shop is very comforting to me. It puts me close to him. All we were missing was bob seger playing in the back round, beer and warm weather.

I have watched him from the back round jump through hoops for my brother, sister, niece, aunt and mother. I have said it before, you must pay really close attention to the small things my father does in order to recognize the impact that it will have in your life. He is not out to set you world on fire with big words, long conversation or exaggerated actions - he leaves that to my mother. None the less, he gets things done, always in his own time and his own way. Which is sometimes the best.

Pet(s)....for kids

2009-02-24T11:00:00.007-06:00

Okay, so we broke down Sunday and went to the pet store. Actually, we went to two different pet stores looking for the 'right' pet(s) for the children. Pyper was pretty easy, we figured one Beta and she would be good.

She seemed enamored by the goldfish that once resided at my sisters house in a small glass bowl. By enamored, I mean she could not keep her fingers off of them and loved to look at the 'nemo's' swimming about. So in return we bought her a Dory, which she refers to as 'blue ishy'.

I am surprised her blue ishy made it thru the car ride home. She had that ishy all over the place - up, down, sideways and doing circles in the small take home container - just in an effort to catch a quick glance of him. She was thrilled.

* Can you tell she is excited??? Prob not. That girl shows NO emotion - ever. ha!

Rylan on the other hand was no SO easy to please...he was the reason we went to TWO pet stores. First we wanted a lizard - only until mom found out it ate LIVE crickets. um. YUCK. *listen, we all know that the crickets would be lose in my house w/in 24 hours. That is the last thing I needed.* So then we looked at the turtles, only the cheapest one we could find was $100.00 - um are you kidding me; they are FREE in the summer. I refuse to get a snake, they eat mice (either live or dead). Plus, I am not a snake kid-of-girl ; and with my luck Lance would get a job that makes him travel and I would have to deal with the snake. Which would not happen.

Then we found the cutest little water crabs - I mean for REAL cute. We bought 4 of them.

We get home and start putting the stuff together.

This whole process was pretty easy. I bought a 10 gallon tank 2 yr ago at a yard sale for $5.00 - now we have finally put it to use.

The DePew family is proud owners of one blue ishy and 4 water crabs. They all survived the first 24 hours - yippie!

*However I am saddened to say that one crab was dead this morning. Lance called around 9am to let me know. Which is strange because when 'we' told them all goodbye this morning everyone was alive.

I asked Lance 'how do you know he is dead?'

Lance 'he is upside down in the water.'

Me 'um pretty good indication.'

We will replace the little crab today before Rylan gets home - no need to break his little heart just yet. He is just so darn proud of his new pet(s), let's not burst his bubble just yet.

Update on work;

2009-02-23T19:06:00.004-06:00

Okay kids,
So it is sink or swim time...I have mediation scheduled with the EEOC for early march, early in the morning. I have been informed by the mediator that the Mayor & Attorney for the City I work for will be against me and I will be the lone ROCK STARRR!

Time to grow some balls and get this done. I find it interesting that the one man I named in my complaint (my boss) will not show up.
um....very interesting.

Although I am stumped as to why the Mayor has decided to be there.....that is throwing me for a loop. When all of the complaints were filed, they were filed with the Mayor first, you would 'think' he would stay FAR away from this process. To date, I cannot get an attorney to return my call - very frustrating!! One is out of town, and one had me fill out a questionnaire about a week ago. Still now call back. The one who is out of town told me that once I get a 'right to sue' letter from the EEOC they would gladly represent me.
So here is the predicament........
I don't HAVE to have mediation ; the mediator is not there to advise me, protect me or help me thru the process. He has mentioned to me that at any time I can shut down the mediation and request that an investigation be preformed. The mediator stated most work sites do not want an investigation to take place, they are long and expensive.
So here is my biggest dilemma -what do I really want out of this???
um.....the million dollar question.
I guess today, I don't really know.
I really wanted my employer to do their job, treat all of us fairly - which clearly has not occurred.
What else do I want????
Is it too cheesy to ask for money? I figure I 'could' ask for compensation for all 9 of the other employees who also filed formal complaints against my boss. I mean for real, they submitted written documentation against this man - so why is my work not acting on it???
Clearly, I want to get my entire raise, which was not given to me - although I received a high evaluation. The only comment on my evaluation 'you dress nice'. (swear!).
*It should have stated you dress nice, when I am not looking at your boobs.*

Plus, to date, I have no idea where I failed, so I have no idea how to improve...weird! but true.
And here is the kicker - my boss had 8 or 9 written complaints filed against him in late Oct, and he got his ENTIRE raise. Plus he was 'talked' too, along with another male dept head who was 'talked' too off-site once a female employee complained about his vulgar lang during a senior staff meeting. These two men get a slap on the wrist and their full raise. But not me....and I still am not clear why. My boss has violated SEVERAL (like 10) sections of our personnel manual and is still allowed to show up everyday and manage others. They fired a female employee last April for less. What is wrong with this picture?

Time to put on my big girl pants and show up to the meeting.
Plan to drink heavily and perhaps cry afterwards......show no fear in the meeting.
I just don't want to 'show my hand' per say, during the meeting either....if I tell them what I am really after, then they can prepare for it or protect themselves prior to the investigation.

**********scumbags!

Even if I lose, which is a great possibility - I have to go thru with this. For myself and others.

God speed!

*promise to post later about our newest addition to our family -(NO BABIES - pets!). I have photos and everything.

cheering from the side line.

2009-02-18T16:07:00.002-06:00

Today I had to take Rylan to the ortho, and we expected it to be a pretty easy visit. Of course it was not an easy visit, the doctor decided to change course after looking in the kids mouth.
Rylan has braces and an appliance in the roof of his mouth - the goal is to widen his mouth, push out his gum-line and semi-straighten his teeth. Getting his teeth straight this time around is not the goal, the goal is to prepare his mouth for surgery in the summer.
We expected to have the appliance taken out, which we were excited about. Well, it did come out, but only to be replaced with more brackets and rings. So, here i am once again sitting on the sidelines watching some assistance with her hands on my son and tears streaming down his face. I am holding his hand and feeling each flinch of pain as he grabs me harder.

At this moment my heart breaks a little more. I picture him as my baby in the ENT office being held down by 5 nurses so they can clean / check his ears. He would scream so much that he would break blood vessels in his face - it was awful! I would sit at the top of his head rubbing his hair and speak softly to him in an effort to calm him down, nothing would work until they were done. It all appeared to be so painful, which leads me to believe that yes he was scared, but there was also some level of pain involved and that sucks.

So here we are years later, more doctors added to our list, and the tears are still coming. Only this time he is so big, and trying to be so strong. That made me proud and sad at the same time, he is such a trooper. Once the things were glued on he was distracted by getting to change his colors - we choose orange this time. However my heavy heart does not get distracted that fast, his painful eyes and tears are embedded in my memory for every. Right along with his smile and his soft hands that relax once the pain is over. After everything was said and done, he got out of the chair, swished his mouth out and came over and sat on my lap. Smack dab in the middle of my lap and just needed a hug. I breath a sigh of relief, and hold him a little tighter for that brief moment, just to love him alittle longer.

Next Thursday we are schedule to go to Children's Hospital for outpatient surgery, he is getting is 5th set of ear tubes. I know it is an every day occurrence, lots of kids have them. blah, blah, blah. For our cleft little guys/gals it is a bit of a different story; one for me that is similar to going to the ortho. His ears become more and more difficult to explore and place tubes in due to the fact that the scarr tissue builds up. We get the scarr tissue from having surgery, we cannot go without tubes so we must have the surgery. It is a terrible cycle.
When he wakes up from the surgery he will be in pain, disorientated and desperate to make heads or tails out of the situation. And at that moment I will wish I could trade places with him and take all of his pain away. I will step into the role of 'mom' when really I want to crawl under a rock and cry. My tears will be saved for a safe place out of his site, but they are real non the less. I will once again be his cheerleader from the sidelines. Holding his hand, wiping his tears and praying for the pain to end quickly.
After a few hours and/or days this pain will be a fleeting thought for him, but it will haunt me forever.
This must be what it feels like to love someone other than yourself........this is what it feels like to be a parent.

betrayed...

2009-02-12T21:30:00.007-06:00

betrayed.
I feel betrayed by my own body.
I look at it, and I am not sure it is mine...I mean really who owns these body parts?
flabby knees /saggy boobs / extra 10 plus lbs / wrinkles / gray hair / and back fat.

Dear god, who in the hell invented back fat? Prob the same man that invented the bra....damn that man. It is prob my bra that caused the back fat, I am sure it squished and squeezed my back to the point that it just would not go back in place. I plan to put some voo-doo on that man, I am sure google will give him up.

I want to blow up my scale. I keep getting on it hoping it will magically move.
Instead it speaks to me it says ' oh little grasshoppper, I will move - just in the wrong direction!!'

I am sure if I had a talking scale it would say things like
hey lady get the hell off me - you exceed the limit.
or hey lady would you mind moving your boob off my face so you can see the number
or hey lady, you know if you hold on to the sink - that is cheating'; let go and see the real number.
or my favorite one would be -ha,ha,ha! Why don't you go eat that cake and then come see me -we should talk.

You know that damn scale number gets stuck in my head, it haunts me day in and day out. I have begun to hate my scale. I liked my house much better when I lived without one. I will get on it with my clothes on and then immed shut the door, lock the door, double look the door - stripp naked, make sure I shaved (we all know leg hair weighs like a lb or two) and then try again.

And if one more person tells me that 'muscle weights more than fat' I am going to shove my fat finger in their eyeball. What a load of crap....but here is what really burns my ass.

I have been working out, to gunnar peterson dvd. Using my medicine ball and my weights. I have been walking and not eating alot - so what give? Why the added weight? Damn I could spit fire, it really pisses me off= grrrrr.

And to top it off, because I am not happy unless I torture myself, I ordered a swim suite. the diva voice inside of me is screaming 'oh no you didn't girl!!! not a suite in that white, body.'

So yes, my body has betrayed me...
I use to have nice C boobs, I mean for real they were nice. At one time they were perky. I should have luv'd them then, I should have taken the time to appreciate them.
But NO.....I was too busy. So now, two kids later I have just a small B or a big A -take your pick. I choose the B, and I fill the cup by rolling up my boob and shoving in the padding. Only after I inspect it because it has started sprouting little hairs which creep me out as well. As I stated earlier - whose body is this, because I don't recognize it. And on top of that I don't like it.....

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be a stick. That also grosses me out - I mean Ick.
I want to be healthy, but I also want to eat a cheeseburger with fries and not worry about if my butt will have one more crater on it. I have gotten to the point where food and drink are actually making its way to my mouth and insantly hitting my body. I think I could chew gum and gain weight. I could look at a table next to me and gain weight.
Has anything really worked for anybody out there....
aside from starving yourself?
having your colon cleansed (aka pooping all damn day) - no thanks, that creeps me out too
I mean something simple, easy - like the lazy mans version.

I want someone to email me and say oh yeah Michelle I have just the plan for you
it is the - chocolate, wine, and cheese plan. It is so easy to follow, just show up and eat!!!

You know you have wrinkles when you wake up and look in the mirror and skin under your chin is stuck to your cheek, that crease around your lips won't go away until after your shower - because the water made it plump. Someone tell me how early do you get gray hair?? I don't have alot - but I am seeing more and more. What gives.
I am sure it is god punishing me, because I have been making fun of Lance's gray sprouts. But for real god, that man deserves it - don't be a hater. show me the luv'
ahem. I am too upset to keep this up, I want to EAT and drink my thoughts away.